@wundayatta ..yes it makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much! I was worried that it meant something horrible, but the way you interpret it makes such darn sense. I am in a great deal of transition, I’m a full-time student, at almost 28, starting over (after not being in school for 6 years), and trying for a professional career as an Occupational Therapist. On top of that, I’ve been a waitress since I was 13, and I’ve never had money or any support, I’ve always worked constantly and consistently sometimes up to three jobs at a time. Recently, I’ve become unemployed, and at my boyfriend’s urging, have stayed that way for about a month now in order to focus on school. He has a great new job, and expects to be able to provide for the both of us while I am in school. I thought that I’d be a lot less stressed without a job, but for some reason I almost feel panicked at times. I know I’m working on getting a great job, but my past is very rocky and insecure in my own family life as well as with my boyfriend. We dated for 5 years 3 years ago, and then he broke up with me and completely devastated me because he had a terrible drug addiction. In the time in-between our break-up, I was broken but self-sufficient, and I ended up adding to my “list” of those I had sexual encounters with, in 3 years, quadrupling it from what it was my whole life before the break-up. Now, he isn’t perfect by any means, the Lord knows neither am I, but the wonderful thing is that he did finally decide to come back to me, and that he really is trying to do good by me. The biggest issue I have with him is that he doesn’t support emotions very well… he’s not very nurturing. He shows his love for me in his own ways, by preparing my meals for me, and making sure that I am essentially taken care of. But sometimes I really just wish he would stop and just hold me, as I am a very emotional person. I think this translates into our sexual life as well. There isn’t much sensuality to it. More of a function. He doesn’t like to stop. He is very social by nature and constantly on the move; although as of late, he hangs out only with his family, who all live on the same property as we do. Not that I mind the idea of him having friends, I wish he did…it’s just that most of his friends from the past are involved in drugs and partying, which is something he has been trying to overcome in order to better his life. I am extremely proud of him, and a couple of years ago, I never would have thought we would be together again, living a completely different life. (For the better). I worry about him though because he works 6 days a week, EVERY week, and every after-noon when he gets off at 6 he buys a bottle of liquor and drinks with his family. My parents were alcoholics when I was growing up. They got a divorce when I was 18, which is part of the reason why I quit college in the first place. They are both sober now, my step-dad completely, my mom, just about, due to health concerns. I drink often with him (my boyfriend), but I really don’t like it every single night… I am worried about him drinking so much, but there is nothing I can say or do to stop him. I think I kind of resent him in certain ways, especially due to our past, and lately, as my feelings for him grow stronger and stronger, things that I have tried to forget seem to be popping up to me in my mind a lot more. I’ve always “dealt” with things on my own, ie. never had any kind of therapy what-so-ever. I simply can’t afford it. Even though things are going well for the most part now, these insecurities and fears based on past experiences have really been affecting my attitude(s) and mostly bringing me down. We are more stable together right now than ever before. I don’t want to lose that. I love him more than life itself, and I don’t always know why, but I really do. I feel like I am losing my mind. But perhaps you are right, instead of fearing this transition, perhaps I should embrace it as hard as I can. I’ve been brainstorming of ways to create my own business. I love photography and the idea of making really cool, sort of indie or eccentric crafts..(i say the “idea of” bc I don’t know how to make anything yet), but I’ve gotten a lot of great ideas off of the internet. My whole life has just been me stressing about family issues and about money and I’ve barely had time to really live, or feel happy for any extended amount of time. Lately, with more time on my hands than usual, I’ve been really flooded with the reality of the past 20+ years…and I have a lot of unanswered, and honestly tired questions..,.that I know I should want the answer to, but wonder if I will ever find one, and am just tired of having to think about it. But, thanks to your interpretation, I think I can take this dream as more of a positive than a negative. Sorry this response was so long, and thank you, and everyone else who responded again, very much. And thank you Fluther for re-posting my question, and for being here in the first place for people like me that don’t have very many outlets available. :) ~Jaime
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