wow..
Thank you for all your support and kind words everyone!
@hawaii_jake you’re right, knowing is the first step, and I’ve known for a while now this is what I am, but still to take the necessary steps to remedy it.
@skfinkel Yes, there are. And in fact I do correspond with a couple of transgender girls who’ve helped me put my thoughts in perspective, but no one in real life I’m afraid. And ultimatelly that’s where the battle must be fought. That’s why I keep turning to the Internet to find an outlet.
@lillycoyote “Human cicada” that’s just great! :)
Funny, I also say I go into hibernation, but usually spoke of a bear to illustrate the point.
You are very right about it getting easier and easier to spend time alone, that’s how I feel, my world is perfect in my room and anything outside is potential hazzard.
I have been thinking of therapy for a while now, but haven’t been able to afford it, some of the few people I still see know I’m dealing with some sort of inner problem, but I still talk to no one in real life about this, and I think it’s getting to the point where I need to slowly bring this outside of my mind into the real world.
@wundayatta No. No. Yes, no.
I explain:
The first time I disappeared completely (I already had disappeard partially before that) I did go into a deep depressive state. Worthlessness, thoughts of suicide, everything! I sought help then, thankfully someone on the other side of the line had the reassuring voice and understanding to make me feel there was hope, that I was not a freak, and I was not alone.
I never thought that “no one” cares about me, or rather, who they think is me. I’m still to find out if they care for the real me.
I don’t find it difficult to get out of the house (anymore), but by myself, and I keep to myself. I’ve been this way for a year now.
I can get out of bed without major problems now (but after 12pm).
@marinelife I will checkout that book!
@Otto_King You know I have my very own @Otti_King friend in real life. He drags me out of the house constantly and I accept just so I don’t have to explain anything further about this to him. But I feel so drained after it that I feel as if I need a couple of days to recover before the next “socialization” time. I appreciate his effort, he wants to be a good friend, but unless I’m ready to explain why is it so hard for me to go out I doubt I’ll be making the first move anytime soon.
@airowDee Thank you, that is sound advise. It’s still not easy to do, but I guess it would give me the time I need to sort myself out.
@downtide It has taken me a while to understand this pattern of alternate identities/alter egos and fantasy. It seemed like a normal thing for me to do, but that’s until I started to look for the reason I feel so compelled to lie to myself (and others) about me. Thank you for reaching out to me!
@weeveeship I am introverted and I know that’s normal and ok. But I think the level to which I’ve taken this can be called isolation now. I’m isolated because I’m not ready to face the truth in the real world. Fear is definitelly the root, but I’m still working through the issues.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir Groups can be intimidating, I wouldn’t mind a counselor at this point… I’ve confided in one real life friend, but I think she went in denial—I don’t blame her. But a real life link seems like what I need to do now.
—
I didn’t reply that text message yet. I don’t think I will. I just hope one day when I’ve found harmony within me I can explain why I walked away from so many people’s life and hope they understand.
For now, to me, it is a lot more comforting to be alone, and confide with strangers who care. Just the thought of resuming life as I left it brings me close to panic and I don’t think I want to face that just yet…
Again, thank you for all your meaningful input!