Refusing to date someone of your own race, is it self loathing, just a preference, and or bias?

Varies from person to person, for instance, I’m not attracted to Koreans all that much because most of them remind me of my Mom.

People reason these things differently. I have a difficult time understanding it.

My mum insists she is attracted to Spanish men and that’s that. A girl I went to high school insisted she had to marry a “white guy with blue eyes” and he had to be at least 6’0” tall. I know some guys who exclusively date Asian women.

I also know many people whose parents (try to) forbid them from dating outside their race. Some of them comply, some don’t. There is a communication and cultural barrier that needs to be addressed in those situations. Some make it work, others don’t.

It could be any one of the things you mentioned… it could be something completely different. I think it differs on an individual basis.

I don’t identify with a race. I don’t see race unless someone shows it to me.

I believe that if a person refuses to date someone of his or her own race there has to be some underlying issue. Rather it is self-loathing or as in Winters’ response a psychological connection that causes the barrier I am not sure. Although I can’t help but wonder why someone wouldn’t want to date a person in the image of the person who has nurtured and raised them. When you purposely eliminate someone based solely on their skin color or nationality being the same as yours there needs so be some self questioning that takes place as essentially you are saying you wouldn’t date yourself. If you are not good enough by your own measure for yourself how can you expect that you should be good enough for someone else.

It seems it would really depend on the person. I know a number of people who have preferences, racially, when it comes to dating and sex, but I have never encountered anyone who simply refused to date person of his or her own race, as a matter of course. So, I guess, I don’t know.

It’s simply a personal decision and no one’s business. Next question.

I think it’s a matter of trying not to conform to expectations. Most couples are same race, and dating someone of a different ethnicity is cool because it’s different.

Or something.

It seems like it is a prejudice of their own race. I can understand a natural attraction to a certain kind of look, but to completely rule out a particular skin color or ethnicity and not see the actual person is a shame.

It just another form of racism; and racism suck, no matter who is doing it.

I got this from some blacks that found out I dated two white women in a row, and therefore concluded that I only date white women. I feel the people that say they will not date their own race are not being truthful and just had some bad experiences. If they found someone of their own race they were supremely compatible with, they would forget about their color. They may be very different from the general populace of their race they have been surrounded with, so they paint their whole race with a generalization brush.

@perspicacious It’s good to discuss these things :)

@mponochie & @Pied_Pfeffer That is what I wonder? I can understand just being attracted to someone else of a different race but and having a preference but to rule out your own race completely has to suggest something more. It really doesn’t make sense to reject people who are like yourself and you parents unless like winters said, the person is trying to avoid any similarity to their own parents.
@Blackberry Your right about them perhaps not being honest with themselves and them generalizing their race.

I think if it is about looks alone, then it is akin to someone who prefers blondes over brunettes or tall men over short. I find I am often very attracted to men with darker skin I’m a white female because I think the pale and pasty look is unattractive. I often date Italian men who, yes, are white, but who are darker than the average white man. However, I also often find myself attracted to black men due in part to the shade of their skin. I attribute this to the fact that there are a number of flaws that are much less visible in darker skin. Also, from a biological standpoint, a pale person is generally a sick person and is therefore not a suitable mate. I have also noticed that people with darker skin seem to have much whiter, healthier teeth even if their teeth are the same shade as mine which is also an indication of physical health. Seriously, darker folks seem to have much nicer smiles at least, to me they do, because I have a tendency to fall in love with smiles.

If, however, someone eschews a member of their own race because they have certain stereotypical expectations of a member of another race think Asian women as sexual exotics then it is racism.

However, if someone simply refuses to date a member of their own race, I have to question that person’s motives. Similarly, if someone refuses to date members of certain race, I think something is wrong.

I believe this is a really complex issue and that one has to examine it from the perspective of each invididual person you have in mind. Whether they’re racist or internally so isn’t something that can undoubtedly be read from their remarks – even if something seems to point in that direction, the real reason may be something else. I often think of the concept of imprinting when people speak of these kinds of ‘preferences’ – a past event/meeting/interaction (positive or negative) with a person of whatever race/ethnicity/religion leads to the person wanting or rejecting the group of people to which the original person they interacted with seemingly belonged to. On the other hand, it can be messages you grew up with from your parents, your peers and whether you have self-esteem enough to not have your relationships be about ‘how it’s seen to others’. Sometimes, in certain subcultures, it’s all about representing that group when dating whomever and this really gets complicated because it just can’t be about individual choice at that point even if the person thinks they’re making a free choice. No one lives in a vacuum but I’ll tell you this: I am leery of anyone rejecting an entire group of people based on a characterstic they think they all share or based on past experiences or whatever: there is no reason to think that each person of that group is like that, obviously.

Who’s seen SAVE THE LAST DANCE about a midwestern girl moving to Chicago and dating a black teen who has to deal with the same question. Nice movie.

I was raised by parents who wanted to believe everyone was the same inside and that our physical bodies shouldn’t determine “who we are” but I was also raised by my grandparents who thought my parents’ ideals were a bunch of empty puffery. My grandmother had a list of men for me to avoid because in her opinion they were mostly, “ignorant, backwards, unreliable, selfish lovers, bad in bed and beat their women”.

That list stuck with me for a long long time and I admit it did affect my attractions. I can look at particular men and find them sexually attractive, even arousing but it’s been a stretch for me to actually date. I’m in my 40’s and feel I’m unlikely to change my initial reactions or attractions. I’m also not sure why one set of ideals set with me over the other.

@Blackberry I don’t see anything to discuss. Of course there are pages of flutherwords typed here but the folks here can’t help themselves.