How to balance if your SO thinks you kiss the a** of your parent/s?

I know in my case my wife would always take her family’s side of everything and it left me feeling like I was way down on her priority list. When she got deathly ill and it was me that stood by her and became her care giver then things have come into prospective.

This is a tough question. It seems to me that all human relationships start from the same place: each of us as individuals. How we treat ourselves will determine how we treat the close people in our lives.

What are your deepest motives for giving respect to your mother? Is it coming from a place of love or a sense of obligation? I would suggest that the healthiest place is from love.

Why do you give your boyfriend hell? Is it loving teasing or something else? I might think that he deserves the same respect you pay to yourself.

I think he may see something you don’t as you have grown up accustomed to the way you and your mom interact and conduct business. Look at his observations and try to see that he may bee seeing that you don’t is all I’m saying.

Did you tell him this? It seems like a well thought out reasoning process. And the relationships are different. You’ve known her longer, what are your long term plans with this man? Your mom might treat him differently if…..
Do you feel that she gives him hell? Does she interfere in your personal lives?
Not really enough info for my full assessment. Don’t worry about the long read, let us have it!

I see your statement that “my mom is right so often about anything (I’m not)” as a possible red flag. I once thought my mom was right about everything and was one of the most incredible people and mothers on earth. What I didn’t realize is that my mother most likely has NPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Some “demanding” people may not have the full-blown personality disorder, but their selfish tendencies may veer toward that end of the scale. The behavior of emotionally mature people falls somewhere in the middle of a continuum of narcissistic behavior. The more symptoms of NPD that a person exhibits, the closer they are to being a full-blown narcissist. My mother has all 9 of the 9 symptoms.

Even if your mother is not a full-blown narcissist, she should not be allowed to disrespect you. If she tends to be snippy or demanding you may have been brought up programmed to believe that it’s okay for her to mistreat you. Is the reason your mother does “so much” for you as a couple because she’s actually a very controlling person and this is the method she uses for keeping you close and under her control? If so, this is not love, nor is it generosity or a willingness to help. It is self-serving manipulation. Whether or not you are aware of it, it is harmful to allow anyone to mistreat you. Regarding your mother’s “doing so much” for you and your BF as a couple, make sure there are no strings attached.

I don’t think it’s very likely that you’re “not right” about things. It may be that your mother’s behavior and manipulation has created the illusion that SHE is most often right while you are “not right.” If she’s very controlling, it would not serve her interests for you to grow self-confident, trusting that you are or can be “right about things.” Is it possible that she fears you wouldn’t want or need to have her around if you trusted yourself more? Why do you feel that you are “not right” about things while your mother is so often right?

There are lots of great resources online for learning healthy ways of dealing with “snippy and demanding” people. If any of this resonates with you and you recognize your mother as very selfish and controlling, be warned that if/when you decide to stop letting her mistreat you, her behavior is likely to worsen as she feels the loss of control.

It will take some time for her to adjust to the “new you,” if you decide to stop tolerating her mistreatment. If you do raise the bar, a good tactic is to be gentle but firm, politely defining and defending your boundaries. Excuse yourself and leave the room if she launches into “button-pushing” or the kind of provocative behavior guaranteed to make you lose your cool, which would turn the tables, leaving you off balance and unsure of yourself and HER in control again. It’s a classic tool of manipulation. The only defense, and it is a powerful one, is learning how to “detach” or emotionally unplug from the button-pusher when they start in on you. If you remain cool, calm and unaffected by her button-pushing talk, then SHE will be the one thrown off balance by her loss of control. Reward her good behavior and don’t tolerate her disrespect. Over time, learning that you won’t put up with her mistreatment, she may stop it. If not, is this really a person you want to live with?

I hope you work on having a good, healthy relationship with your mother as well as your boyfriend. It would probably be hard for you to watch him being treated like he sees your mother treating you, right? Maybe you would not have become aware of her mistreatment without him bringing it to your attention, since you may have grown accustomed to it.

I believe that we _should_honor our mothers, treating them with love and respect. I also believe that we deserve the same from them and from ALL of our loved ones.

Did your boyfriend move in with you and your mom, or did your mom move in with you and your boyfriend?

My “do so much for you as a couple” I’m assuming you mean she contributes to your – and your boyfriend’s – financial stability.

If your boyfriend moved in with you and your mom, he either needs to find a way for both of you to live elsewhere on your own, or marry you.

At all: bf means “I give him hell” if there’s something to argue but not in general and no, my mom doesn’t give him any grief. My mom doesn’t disrespect me either, bf just notes I kind of jump-to when she’s around. We all moved into a house together, as equals until next year when she moves back to her homestate. I tell him I don’t kiss her ass and that I want to avoid as much drama with her as possible because her little quirks aren’t a big deal to me in exchange for the care she gives us with the house and our pets, she spoils us pretty rotten.

Since I don’t see mom living with us as a permanent family fixture beyond next year and because my bf and I are planning to marry then I tend to let things go like when mom bitches about me leaving a dirty microwave versus me bitching at him and not letting it slide that he may have neglected washing our bedding (exp) before I get home from work if he got home first. They’re little gripes and I never gave it much weight because how well can anyone mesh with a parent under the same roof, right? What I didn’t think about was my bf started to see me as kowtowing or a mama’s girl.

I love the stuff you jellies throw at me I can read, associate, apply and check out!

@Neizvestnaya, from your posts on Fluther, I would not have categorized you as kowtowing or a mama’s girl. You know how your mother raised you, and your mother knows how she raised you, and if you’re not measuring up to her standards, you probably know it before she even says a word. Because you live in the same house, you still have the mother-daughter thing going on. When you have your own place, and she becomes a guest in your home, then you have the right to keep house however you and your SO please. In the current situation, it’s easier to do what you both know you should be doing because it keeps the peace. If your boyfriend’s mother raised him the same way (and some young men are) he would not have an issue with what’s going on, recognize it for what it is, anticipate the issues and circumvent them. It sounds like you have differences in upbringing?

This situation sounds fraught with danger. It does not sound like a healthy living relationship.

On the surface, the answer is easy: You should not treat your live-in bf the same as your mother. It would be weird if you did.

On the other hand, why is your guy making comparisons at all?

Does he have a point? Only you would know.

Have you explained your thinking vis a vis your treatment of your mom?

You need to get on the same page with your bf fast or I predict trouble in the relationship in future.

@marienlife: bf thinks I’m a pushover when it comes to my mom. He sees this house as it will be in the future, his and mine with me running it for the most part. He sees some of the stresses I try to push aside as my mom takes over the kitchen, the yard, stuff I don’t feel is threatening but maybe he’s just trying to make sure.

I take the time to argue with him because I don’t see hashing things out as negative, I see it as us learning each other so some things can be avoided, some things taken for what they are and not stuff read into them and other things compromised on. Never did I think he’d see me as being trod on. An underlying thing I’m guessing at is he’s wanting to be the man of the house and my very dominant mom sees him as another of her children.

My belief is that time has proven (generally speaking) that family is the only constant, if you believe you have a good family it probably applies.

Treat your mother however you want, b/c no matter what, she should always be number one, over anyone!

@Neizvestnaya, I’m happy to learn that your mother doesn’t mistreat you! You sound wise, avoiding drama by overlooking minor quirks…

Yeah, what BarnacleBill said!

It depends on who you are the most beholden to. I would say your Mom trumps your bf at this stage. You and your bf could change and grow into a more stable relationship, given time.

I guess if he had birthed you, changed your diapers, took care of you when you were sick, helped with homework, drove you to things you needed, helped clothe you while growing, etc.. Then he might be entitled to an opinion of you kissing your mothers ass. Until then I’d tell him to basically (and excuse my language) get fucked.