How would you handle a friend passing away?
Less than 24 hours ago a close friend of the last 18yrs died. It was expected by him and I. I never expressed it because I did not want him to lose hope, but he expressed it to me because he spent the greater part of the last 11 months going down hill and a few times he was literally circling the drain, couple that with the throat cancer that was inoperable, the diabetes, and the failing kidneys I think he pretty much knew he was not getting out of this year. The past year our friendship was not smooth sailing, which he admitted was because he was scared and frustrated his body was abandoning him and that he was on the way out and worried he hadn’t atoned for the dirt he has done all his life.
The last time he was in the hospital I visited very often, this last time I didn’t because there was nothing that could be done and I knew he had no more rabbits to pull from the hat. After having seen my mother waste away from cancer I really didn’t want to do it again. Now he has passed before I could get up the moxie to put myself through that and I wonder if he figured I just abandoned him? Maybe I should have visited even if it would have been a hollow visit with me not having much to say or certainly not much good to think of saying? If you feel you won’t make the situation better is it better to just keep yourself out of it?
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I’m not sure I can contribute much to this, but Lionel Shriver wrote an article in The Guardian about this very subject. You’re not alone.
I am sorry about your friend.
I went through the same thing with my dad. I was too young to understand then what I know now. Its not about the quality of time together or about how miserable you may feel or hopeless, or anger that they may be giving up. It is about loving them to the end to be there to say good bye. And them knowing that you fought through your pain to hold their hand through their pain and your ok with them letting go when they are ready.
I would flip out… and wallow for a time… then I would donate my time and money to a charity that might be able to help other peoples friends in the same circumstance.
Just be there…nothing needs to be said!
Sorry about your friend @Hypocrisy_Central ! I recently went through the same thing.
Even if you had pulled through and visited him one last time there would be more what if’s about you and him that you would find to beat yourself up about. You were there for your friend for over 18 years and you are simply grieving and that IMO is quite OK! Sorry for your loss.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Don’t beat yourself up; just feel the sadness.
I’m sorry for your loss. Channel your pain into being supportive of his family, and letting them know what his friendship meant to you.
Agree with @Cruiser and @BarnacleBill, but mainly just want to say that to admit your feelings is a brave thing to do. The friendship you have had was changed by the illness, but if you can see that it lives on in kinder memories from earlier times, you are bound to feel better. Being with someone who is behaving unpleasantly, because of their illness, is not a duty. Better to pay your respects to their memory, be with other friends or family members with whom you can share a laugh or a weep at the sadness of finally saying goodbye.
It is very soon after your friend’s passing, perhaps even before the funeral? These days are strange and quiet (unless you are involved in the planning) and lots of feelings bubble around. Have a break from thinking about it. He is gone and the argument is over. Your friendship had strength for all the years before, take a deep breath, keep breathing and sob if you need to.
Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, find some people you love, who love you to share time with and enjoy your own life. The only way to honour our dead really, is to live our own lives fully and honestly. Your bravery suggests that you can do that.
Good luck
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