Would you begin a relationship with a man who was almost totally destitute?

Being with someone because they’re better than your abusive exes is not a good idea. Other than that, if I truly believed they had ambition for the future, I’d stick by ‘em.

I’m cynical and I’m saying he’s being so nice becuase he needs a crutch, and so she might be his crutch. He has nothing to lose by being nice to her. I am guessing she might want to give him money to help him get through. Who wants to be with someone who goes home and has no food? if you love them you may want to help them, but is that what your friend needs in a relationship? someone she has to carry?

I think it depends on a lot of things. My husband was broke when we got married and I had no job when I ran off with him. We both survived but he has always been a hard worker and over the years we have done well. At the time he was fully employeed with the military.
I remember many times we had to borrow till the next check.
However we were both young. I would wonder why is he only employeed part time if he really needs the cash.
Does he intend to better his situation by living off of her and maybe that is why he is so doting?
I think she needs to find out a little more. But in the end, she is a big girl and if she is ok supporting him than that is her decision.

If there was the possibility that things were going to improve in the future, I would stick with him and see.

I would date a guy like that. Money comes, money goes. He sounds like he cares for your friend a lot… And that is all that should matter. He’s trying and I would admire him for that. Now if he was just a lazy bum, I’d tell him to get out. But he isn’t that way though. (:

Well from what she has told me he was working 2 jobs but then stopped because it was effecting his health. He never got enough sleep he claims. Im a little suspicious only because of these 2 very important pieces of info. she gave me:
1) He married someone who needed a green card and gave him money to do it and
2) He has been waiting for almost 4 yrs. for his company to make him F/T.
I can’t understand why a grown 40 yr. old man would wait for so many yrs. hoping to make F/T when they have given him no indication when this may happen or even IF it will definately happen. She has a good job but she can’t afford to take care of him. She is barely paying her bills! She doesn’t WANT to support him and she is asking my advice on whether she should stick it out.

@jca I too tend to agree with you. I know it sounds bad that we can’t take someone at face value but I know too many men with issues like this and he should have another job if he wants to be with her. At the very least so he can pull his own weight in a relationship and not be a drain on her. If he really cared about her he would want to make being with him as easy as possible.

For me, it would depend on a few things. One thing would be his ambition. It’s one thing to be having a hard time and trying to do something about it and it’s completely another to be having a hard time, but not be doing anything to try to make it better. Another thing would be his expectations from me. If he expected me to start doing more for him (like buying him groceries or helping pay his bills), I’d be concerned about if he was using me and I would be a lot more cautious.

@Seaofclouds he hasn’t asked her for anything but he doesn’t seem like he’s very ambitious. His whole attitude seems to be “lets wait and see what happens” which concerns me as well. He can see that she is doing so much better than him but isnt making an effort to equally bring anything to the table.

@Akua That would bother me too. He may be happy with his situation and not worried about doing better for himself.

Yes, but only because I am totally gay for the poor.

@Blondesjon can you explain what you mean by that, lol.

If you’re young, in college or whatever, and have no money, you know that (hopefully) your situation will change for the better, even if slowly. @Pandora
talks about being young and broke but she says her husband was always a hard worker and he was in the military at the time. This guy that you’re talking about, @Akua, seems like not a hard worker and looking to find an easy way out. If he only works part time, has no money for food or whatever, why does he not get another part time job? You would think he would want to eat. You would think he would want to be able to give the children some more in child support. That may be why he does not want to work more, because he does not want to give it to the children. Who knows. What does seem likely is that if your friend is with this guy, and she wants to travel, go to the movies, to a restaurant, play, concert, whatever, she is either going to have to pay for this guy or not go with the guy at all. What fun is that? I am a big believer in going dutch on occasion, or one partner pays for dinner one day and one pays for dinner another day, or whatever. There’s no reason the girl can’t pay for some things, I’m not saying that. What I’m saying is the girl in this case would have to pay for things all the time or else not go, and there is no bright spot on the horizon. Here’s a guy that says it’s been four years of part time work, no promise of when it would become full time, and in the economy we’re in, who knows. Why a single girl with a decent job would want that as a boyfriend is beyond me. As for the guy, of course he’s nice. This guy would be a fool to be anything other than sweet as pie to a girl that may be the answer out of his hard times.

I would not let a man’s financial situation deter me if I felt like it could be the one. Dude may have hit some hard times. While @jca makes some valid points, I wonder, is the guy making his bills? Is he up to date on child support? Does he have a roof over his head? If the answer these questions is yes then it points to him being a stand up guy who is trying to get his feet back under him. He also still may be recovering from his divorce and may need to take a little time to heal his psyche before throwing himself headlong into a new job/career.

That being said, if she wants to be with a man who will set the world on fire and buy her all that her heart desire a fellow seemingly lacking in ambition may not be her cup of tea.

It depends. My ex had zero cash for a wedding band when we met but he had a new car. hmmm
Poor money management? Yes. He lived in an apt with maggots in the potatoes. But he was almost ready to graduate college and I could tell he was determined to stay in school. So, it all depends. I want to stress here that it is so common for guys who have nothing to be totally nice.
I’d go so far as to predict that the poorer they are the nicer they appear. But as time goes by they aren’t so nice . So then what do you have when their best behavior ends? A sarcastic guy who’s broke. ok so I’m a skeptic

I wouldn’t do it. Sounds like a big mess. One of my exes paid child support and it took half his check. I was little bitter over the situation. He wouldn’t get another job. I paid for most everything. There is so many fish in the sea. You just have to be patient . One fish will come around. that in on his feet, supporting himself, and less baggage. seriously there ARE nice guy out there.

FF I so agree. GA

When I met my wife, she was a single mom on welfare.
I wasn’t looking for a woman with a job. I was looking for a someone to share my life with.
I have never made a better choice.

^^^^^^^^^^ wonderful. I think women tend to be a little more honest from the get-go. but how would I know? I’ve never dated one.

Been there, done that. We lived as hippies for a few years, then I got a job, he went to school, and we became Yuppies for awhile.

@SuperMouse said all I would have. Divorce does terrible things to people financially. It looks like he is meeting his bills and child support.

The guy seems to be paying all his bills (albeit struggling) and holding his own. I spoke with my friend again tonight and she says that he had a bad divorce and his ex-wife (according to him) really fucked up his credit and wasted his money. I told her in my opinion that I wouldn’t kick him to the curb just yet because anyone of us can be down on their luck. Give him a few months to see if he makes any attempt to better his life and bring something to the table.

Probably dating and keeping somewhat of a distance to see how it goes. Maybe he needs a crutch, maybe he’ll pull it together. But just in case he turns out to have “issues” she would be better off maintining a distance for a while. If he has bad things to find out, he won’t be able to wear a mask for too long. It will slip and he will reveal himself. If he’s a good guy, that too will show with time.

Oooph! Tough one. I have had personal experience and I really don’t know. Should we be focusing on heart and soul or fianancial stability? Very confusing, he could be seeing her as a future meal ticket or he could be the ONE. I wish someone could really and truly answer that question, I would be interested in finding out too.

I have been thinking about this question the last few days and mulling over how about half the answers for saying go for it, and half the answers were saying don’t do it.

I have been thinking about what someone’s priorities might be when pursuing any relationship that they may hope may end up as being long term. I think that one of the best traits in any person is someone who strives to be the best they can be. To me, someone who does not eat (or so he says) and yet only works part time is not striving to be the best he can be. Eating is one of the most basic needs (check Maslow’s Hierarchy). For someone to be in such dire straits that they cannot eat, and yet they do not try to better their situation by getting another part time job or even two more part time jobs, is inexplicable. Now if the person is saying he does not eat in order to elicit sympathy might be another story. I don’t think I could be with someone who said he is going home to a home without food and not at least want to stop at Mickey D’s and pick him up some items off the dollar menu. This would go for any of my friends. If I had money and they had none, I would probably want to help them out by buying them a little food to get them by. However, If this occurred time after time and they (or he, the boyfriend) were doing nothing to change his situation I would probably tire of it.

Is he not working to keep money from the ex and the children (via child support)? Any way you cut it, this person is not striving to be the best he can be. People work two and three jobs, or one job and one or two part time jobs, to better their situations and get ahead. Some people gave examples of meeting and marrying their spouses who had no money but were hard workers or in the military, or someone else said his wife was a welfare mom. Maybe she was a welfare mom but always had the ambition to go to college or better herself in that way, and was in a temporary situation with young children. That’s not this person who has been four years working part time without promise of change, and cannot eat. This person is not a hard worker if he is just working part time, not eating and waiting four years for something that does not seem like it’s going to happen (the job going to full time). He is just getting by in life. Is that someone I would want to think about having a long term relationship with? Would I expect us to be getting ahead as a couple if this person is laying around while I go off and work and try to better the household? Is that someone I would want my children to look up to as a father? I would tire of that quickly and I would not want my child looking up to someone like that as an example of a dad.

I felt a responsibility to give you guys an update to my original post. She dumped him. Big time! Just like some of you predicted this guy turned out to be a loser. She finally came clean and told me that she felt very under-appreciated by this guy after only a few weeks of dating. He did very little work to keep the relationship going and was so lazy that all he did when he wasn’t working part time was complain about how tired he was. She couldn’t understand why if he only worked PT why he felt the need to take a daily nap in the middle of the afternoon. Then he said that HIS friends critisized her (a few days later behind her back) because she was hesitant to take him all the way to NJ on the train one late night when he got too drunk to find his own way home. She doesn’t even live or know her way around NJ so how the hell would her taking him home do any good? Mind you, ALL his friends at the party had a car and not one offered to even drive them to the train. He started calling less and less over the last 2 weeks and once when she mentioned she was not feeling well, he didn’t call her the next day at all to even check on her well-being. When she asked him why he didn’t call, his response was that he was waiting to see how long it would take her to call him. He expected her to take the bus all the way to NJ 2 or 3 times a week and then not only bring food (because he had none of course) and wine but also cook it when she arrived. Good call to the fluthers that peeped his card. I bet she will tell the next lazy, unambitious but super nice loser that creeps over to her just where to go! I hate men that use and prey on women. For any reason.

I’m glad she was able to find out the truth about how he really is sooner rather than later. I hope she is doing okay.

@Seaofclouds she’s great. Still looking for Mr. Right.

@Akua: Thanks for posting the update!