Is there an instruction manual for dealing with 14 year old boys?

A lot depends on the relationship that you’ve had up until now, and his peers.

I’m sort of guessing that you’re his mother, since I just can’t imagine a father asking this question. Or a girlfriend.

One thing to keep in mind is that he is sort of “an alien” at this time in his life. He’s going through changes in his body, his mind, his friends and his relationship to others (particularly girls, I would think—though that’s not certain) that alienate him even from himself as he has known himself.

Aside from music and television, which hopefully don’t occupy too much of his / your time, what else does he enjoy? Team sports? Solitary sports and other pursuits? Reading? Not all 14-year-old boys are the same.

Like… interacting? Controlling? Disciplining? Need more details.

Handling a 14 year old male is a man’s job. If you are a female, delegate to a coach or some other sort of mentor. If you are a male, take advantage of your size and intimidate. The trick is to scare them when they are little, so they sub-conciously fear you as they get bigger and stronger. Then, when they are about 18, you can reconcile and everything will be cool forever.

@josie :: Is that supposed to be a bad joke or incredibly bad advice?

One of the issues that is specific to teenage boys is aggression because of the extra flow of testosterone that is circulating throughout their bodies. The extra surge of the testosterone hormone can have boys feeling more aggression and some may start acting on that aggression. Let your boys know that it is okay to feel the aggression but it is not okay to act on it. Try to find other ways of dealing with the aggression that will help your boy. You could look at getting them into sports that will give them an outlet for the aggression. Looking for other activities that can help edge out the aggression is a good idea in dealing with these teenage issues. he needs direction right now…... :-/

Fortunately there is and you will find it here

I am right now dealing with my third 14 year old son.
I haven’t got it all figured out yet, but I can reassure you that it does get better. In a couple of years he will be more tolerant of you, and you him. Hopefully, he will be showing at least a decent amount of respect for you. If not, that is where you may want to have some help from someone else to reinforce the point that he must show respect to you. (preferably a man that he respects) Then about half way through college, there is a kind of turn around and they sort of “wake up” and find that mom is someone they really appreciate.

I am right there with you and the only thing I can offer is my 14 yr old son wants respect (which he is very aware he has to earn and keep), he wants responsibility which he gets and is measured and monitored and again has to earn and keep. Two days ago though, he told me what he really wants from me is more of my time which is not easy to do since we both lead very busy lives. So I began to work on that and an interesting thing happened when I gave him that more time….we talked.

@CyanoticWasp He was involved in go-kart racing, but that was taken away when he almost failed school last year. He plays football/baseball with his friends, but he does not belong to an organized club, again because of his grades. He hates to read and only wants to spend time doing fun stuff. We have a problem with curfew, chores the whole nine yards.
Another problem is that I am his step-mom. Granted, he has been my boy since he was just over a year, and he barely has any contact with his bio-mom, but that doesn’t change the fact.

@flutherother funny

@AGN Here’s the secret to the manual. At 14, take the manual out to the lawn. Dose liberally with gasoline. Strike match, throw on manual. Wait seven to ten years. You’re now golden. Honestly, there is no manual. You’ve got to work with them and play off what they give you. Respect them, but set clear limits as to what is acceptable and hope for the best. And give them lots of love, even though they’ll think it’s gross.

I was a hateful teenage boy; I gave my mum hell, and looking back there was very little she could have done to avoid it. Thankfully, she’d done a good enough job beforehand, which ensured that I came out the other side (at 17) a reasonable, rounded person. Good luck.

@AGN Glad you liked it. A sense of humour always helps. He isn’t called Kevin is he?

@flutherother No he isn’t!

The best thing to do is listen to him and spend time with him, doing the things that he enjoys. This time goes by so quickly. And @flutherother is right. A sense of humor does help!

Girls go through puberty and boys go through puberty, all about the same age. remember how you were at age 13 or 14? you knew your body was going through changes and some things just did not compute? same applies to your son. he is more or less in his own world right now.

Just go along with the program with him. as long as he is not on drugs, he will come around again, in a short while. its discovery time for his brain and his body, just like yours use to be.

@AGN okay, so he’s “normally” active. That’s good, because you can work with that.

Part of the trick here is going to be offering carrots instead of showing sticks. For example, when he does well in school, when he does the chores without complaint, when he does something worth a reward, in other words (or is on the cusp of deciding whether to put himself out in some way—or not) then remind him that there is a reward for him, and give him one. Give him a few bucks for go-karting, and a few free hours to do it. Drive him to the football game and let him extend his return time a bit more than usual.

If you’re not too ham-handed at this, he’s going to feel better about doing things, finishing jobs, following rules he otherwise might rather ignore, etc. because he’s going to be getting the reward and because it will help to preserve peace between the two of you. Eventually, you don’t even need to offer the overt rewards so often, as he grows up “normally” and creates the good feelings for himself.

But the old saying applies: You’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Try to get him tuned into looking forward to rewards rather than trying to avoid punishment. It’s a difference of night and day.

If you share enjoyment of music and tv shows, maximize that time. Watching The Simpsons with my boys every Sunday night got us through a lot. Also, do more listening than talking and don’t react immediately to anything you find appalling or provocative. Give it time to settle. Don’t sweat the small stuff; the blue hair, the same shirt worn every day, the Rasta cap. I had all that and my eldest is now the holder of the most prestigious post-doc fellowship IBM awards. (And a wonderful father to boot.) It does get better!

Geesh honey, you want me to fly up there and beat him with a wet noodle? Seriously though, my brother was a total cheesedick from the age of 13 to the age of…. he’s currently 37. Okay but really, I do remember how awful he was until he got older. He really was a wild child and a total ass. We just kind of had to ride it out.

I work with teenage boys all day long; boys who are emotionally disturbed, who have drug or alcohol addictions, sell drugs, have mental health disorders, and learning disabilities. I think I get along well with most all of them and they get along well with me for the most part. People kind of snicker when I give them my secret to success and tell them that I used to watch alot of Cesar Milan, “Training people and rehabbing dogs.” In my humble opinion this is exactly what I do all day long…day in and day out. Your question isn’t very specific so I don’t know eactly what advisement to give you. I don’t try to be “friends” with students although many would refer to me that way.
I am a confident, mentor, and guide. In the words of Cesar Milan, I am a calm, assertive, firm pack leader and they all know it. I give them respect and I get it in return as a result. I will sometimes stoop to unorthodox and clearly irreverent means of doing so. The environment I work in is pretty hard core. I kind of laughed a bit @josie ‘s answer. I’m for all basic purposes an old lady. I break up fights or physically prevent them on a regular basis. I’m trained to do so. I use my voice always in ways that sometimes surprises even me and I don’t need to look for a man to step in and take over or get the job done….although they are welcome when present.
Relating is a matter of observing, noticing, asking questions and listening very carefully to the answers without trying to fix it, or comment favorably or negatively. It’s about acknowledging who someone believes themself to be and honoring them for whatever measure of goodness you can mirror back to them. Relating is a matter of knowing when to share a piece of who you are so that light is shined on the path that some else is traveling on. It doesn’t matter if the person is a 14yro boy or a 55 yro man….or a woman of either age.

Thoroughly enjoyed your answer @Joybird thanks for sharing!

@Joybird Me too!

He is your best manual. Maybe I’ll change my tune when my sons are 14 but I think you and him are the best people to work this out and, remember, he won’t remember what you said or did but he will remember how you made him feel. Offer him a solid shoulder, a solid front but demand respect in return. I think I will always be a principled parent, one who expects a lot of my children but one who tries to relate to every aspect of their life and one that attempts to speak with them completely directly and honestly.

What my Daughter-In-Law did was to send two of them to their grandmother (me) and threaten to send the other one (which worked, because he didn’t want to move here). I seem to have a knack with teens.

When I became a foster care provider, I wanted babies, but they sent me teens because I never had any problems with them. I don’t know what the secret was, but I suspect it has to do with spending time with them, allowing them to choose the activities, but keeping busy and a high level of supervision.

When we do work, which nobody likes, we do it together. No one has to clean your room we all go in and clean all the rooms. One wanted privacy enough to keep his room clean just so no one would have to go in and help.

I taught them how to cook, they help with meal planning and grocery shopping. Each gets a list of their share of the shopping. We set aside a part of the house just for the video games, and later the computers. They have very strict rules about putting their dishes in the bus box, and the penalty is not allowed in the game/computer room for a specific length of time.

When I had foster kids, we had a vegetable garden and they all seemed to enjoy working out there. Now we have a pool in the back yard, and of course, that is very attractive. Walking the dog is a privilege to be earned. There are lots of small stuff like that.

When they complain I usually agree with them, because I think they have a right to complain. I home school, so there isn’t a “grade” issue, simply getting the tasks completed.
There is no such thing as getting a bad grade, the only goal of schooling is to learn the material.

OH my teenagers…vile creatures. Boys are icky, girls are stupid. Been through so many…...

I have found someone else with exactly the same problem!
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1108121076.html

There are moments there, monkey girl, where he needs you. But they will be well disguised so try not to miss them….