How do you know if you're really gay?

It’s called being bisexual. Don’t worry, I am too.

What exactly is the question here?

There are no “teams”. Attraction doesn’t have to be limited by gender or sex.

I did a really poor job of crafting this question, I see that now, but hopefully it will get some action.

@iphigeneia
This person has become asexual because their tripping on this issue. They don’t feel gay enough to just be gay and finding a “nice girl” is seemingly out of the question, out of reach. They are very confused at the moment and this dilema is causing them a lot of pain.

Sexual orientation is all about attraction. I doubt your friend is asexual if they remain interested in and desirous of sex. Just because he feels like he doesn’t belong in the gay community doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to men, and being unable to find a girlfriend doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to women. Of course, it may be difficult to stay confident if those feelings of belonging are important to him. I would second @Drewseph‘s idea that he is bisexual. It is far more common than many people think.

Bisexual, that’s odd, is there a lot of misconceptions about bisexuals? Like for instance people assuming that they are promiscuous because they do both. Or that there not really gay. I think my friend is a very unique person, he’s a great guy, he just cant make up his mind about making up his mind, make sense. I see what he is going through at this point in his life and its heartbreaking. He’s isolating, drinking to much to escape, he’s not social with his friends, he’s turning down date’s with people, this is really a tough time for him. He does have a tendency to attract his own kind, and that makes it hard for him to open up and be free. That’s all he needs to do, accept what he is and move on, celebrate it, I dont want to see him die over this. He has been suicidal in the past, from a break up, and I see how this could end badly if he doesnt snap out of it. Thanks for your concern and advice, it’s appreciated.

Bisexual.

I don’t think it is something your friend is going to solve by burying their head in the sand. If this person is not sure who or what or if they are even attracted to any of the sexes, than maybe he or she should seek help by getting a full physical. If there aren’t any physical reasons than they should get a mental check up.
If both are fine, than maybe your pal likes people but doesn’t really care for sex. And is asexual. There are people like that but sometimes, it is physical problem that can be repaired (like low testosterone levels) and other times
It could also simply be that your pal is looking for love and keeps thinking that sex may get them there somehow and now is disappointed because sex partners doesn’t equal or guarantee love partners.
One thing for sure. Sexual preferance is something one has to decide for themselves.
If your friend is very young, they simply may be sexually confused because they really aren’t ready for all the feelings sex can bring with it.
If that is the case than they should wait to mature a bit more before engaging in sex. Especially if the person is a minor.
I had a friend back in high school who would have sex with guys till they dumped her. She said she never enjoyed the sex. When I asked her why did she do it then? She said because it was the only way to get guys to like her.
She always felt let down later because she would realize they never saw her only what she could do for them.

Being attracted to more than one sex or gender does not and ‘undecided sexuality’ make – you don’t need to figure out if you’re ‘really gay’. Nor is there anything wrong with being asexual either and only if being so bothers a person should they seek answers in the very close-minded medical community.

There’s only one way to know if you’re gay or straight: figure out what you like and what you want, sexually and romantically. It’s not an objective fact about yourself like your height or blood type. It’s not about who you can or can’t get, or the social role you want to play, or being a bad catch. It’s just who you want to be with.

Feeling like he doesn’t fit in, being undecided sexually, the drinking and torment… I don’t know. You’re probably right: he needs to accept who is, come to peace with himself, and move on. Maybe he’s bisexual. Maybe he’s asexual. Maybe he’s gay and in denial. Maybe he’s not in the right place in his life right now for a sexual relationship with anyone. Maybe he hasn’t met the right person. Etc. I think the way to help your friend isn’t to figure out what he is, but to help him figure it out on his own by supporting his health and wellbeing: encourage him to drink less, to hang out with you, to go on dates, to seek professional help maybe.

Trying to label ones sexuality is a losing proposition. Why not just BE and to hell with the rest of it. Love is love who cares where you get it from. As long as you get it,

Soo find yourself somebody to love. (from a musical that just popped in my head but I don’t remember which one)

You don’t really need to “be” anything. A label is just a label.

More often than not, I find the term “bisexual” to be psychologically comforting makeup people use to ease their conscience, or to make people believe that they still have a shot at “normality”. I have yet to meet someone face-to-face that not only identifies with the term, but who accurately demonstrates that the term is an adequate description of their sexuality.

I understand all of the “Just be who you are!” and “Love doesn’t need a label” talk, I think it’s well meant and well hearted, but, I find this is just another thing people do to avoid reality – which, I suspect the problem in this particular situation to be.

Based on what you’ve described, it sounds like your friend is gay and in severe denial and uncertainty. I dont know your friend and I think only he knows what his sexuality really is.

On that note, I think it’s an issue of reality and inner demons that he’s having a hard time dealing with. He has all of the evidence right in front of him and he probably already knows everything he needs to know to confront reality but he’s suffering mentally, and therefore unable to make take this step.

I highly, highly recommend therapy for your friend. Not drugs for depression from his family doctor, but good, helpful, skilled psychotherapy from a licensed professional. Especially if he has been suicidal in the past.

I wish you and your friend all the best, regardless of what happens.

@Disc2021 “I have yet to meet someone face-to-face that not only identifies with the term, but who accurately demonstrates that the term is an adequate description of their sexuality.” – are you under the illusion that this is evidence against bisexuality being a ‘real’ sexuality (I put that in quotes because there is no such thing: either they are all equally real or equally unreal)?

I like both genders but I don’t like to call it bi because I’m not open to everyone. If I like someone, I like them, that’s all there is to it. The way you feel doesn’t have to have a name. He should just go with how he feels regardless of what people think or if it has a name or not. People are always trying to catagorize how they, and other people, act and feel. It’s not always nessicary.

He could be queer, which is neither straight, gay, or bisexual.

If he’s a bit crazy and has no prospects, you’d probably do best not to meddle with his personal life. If you need a project, redecorate a room.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I wouldn’t say that – I dont deny it exists by any means. I just think it’s a lot more rare than it often appears. My experiences aren’t evidence against bisexuality; I just think the number of true, solid bisexuals is overstated as a large number of people tend to say “I’m bisexual!” then a year later they decide that they’re exclusively gay or straight and some just adopt the term because they find it an easier pill to swallow.

@Disc2021 I don’t think it matters how long a person identifies as bi or whether any of our sexualities change in the future – someone’s identity is personal and it’s difficult enough as it is saying you’re anything other than straight…there is nothing good about others also thinking that a person is applying a label just because they’re in denial.

Ever think of Bi? I mean I don’t know my sexuality so I’m Bi-curious for right now. But it’s hard to answer since you sort of have to find it out on yourself. Maybe their desperate so they’re aiming for guys and girls. I don’t know, there are sort of a lot of things… But I hope things work out with the issue.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir *Shrug, I have a mind of my own and my mind thinks what my mind thinks. I’m entitled to my own opinion as everyone else is and that’s just how I feel.

In saying what I’ve said, I’m really not trying to make it hard or more difficult for anyone else, I just think accepting reality is what’s best for everyone. I, myself, hid behind the “bisexual” label for a long time, tearing myself apart about it and things never got any better until I accepted reality. I’m not suggesting that what works for me will work for everyone else, I’m just calling it as I see it.

I didn’t even say I knew for sure this guy sounds like he’s gay, I said based on what was described, it sure sounds that way.

@Disc2021 All right.