How do you forgive when the behavior is ongoing?

If you’re really having trouble interacting with this person, then you might have to distance yourself from them a little, if possible. Or, if it’s a relationship that you can’t avoid, get to the source of the problem:

Do you know why they’re lashing out at you?
Is it something about the way they perceive you or your actions, or is it there general disposition?

Is opening a dialogue with this person a possibility? Can you give us a little more context/detail?

He is my ex-husband and opening a dialogue is completely impossible. We will be forced to interact for the next ten years, until the youngest child he donated sperm for hits the age of majority.

How about a mediator? If he is really causing you such distress maybe you can fight for more custody and cite his attitude and behavior as reasons. I see no reason to forgive those who do not change their behaviors. He is allowed to continue his behavior and you suffer. How is that fair?

My initial answer was going to be: anyone who treated me like that wouldn’t be around me period. Because this is your ex, though, you are in a bit tougher position. Is there a friend or family member who can act as in intermediary for you?

You shouldn’t have to endure this. It is not good for your mental health.

I don’t. I don’t believe forgiveness is something I have to do for myself, I think that philosophy doesn’t apply to all. I don’t forgive because my forgiveness is a show of respect for that other person and if they haven’t deserved it, they won’t get it.

Have you ever heard of facing a problem headon? this is the only advice i give you. this type of harrassment is just like cancer. it will eat away at your heart and soul, until you are ready for the funny farm.

Sit down and make a plan of how you are going to approach this problem. if you need a witness, take a trusted friend with you.

Then go for it. i promise you will have the same relief like taking a Tums for heartburn.

You will sleep good. something you probably have been missing.

I swear, we have the same ex. I tried everything: face-to-face, emails, letters,everything but smoke signals. He wouldn’t listen. I had to involve a mediator, only because he was so irrational. Reminding him, gently, that we have a child in common never seemed to be important to him. Then, after mediation, it calmed down and started back up. I realized when he was having a hard time with things, I became hid target. No longer.

When he is completely out of control, it’s back to mediation. There are even stipulations, now, that he is not to be on any of my properties. Any changes that either of us want to make, must be in advance and in writing. I know that, in general, I am more flexible, so over the years I probably got walked on, a lot. Now, I find that consistancy is key, even with him.

Sweet holy moly, I would savor it as a victory. If it is an ex-husband or mate they will lash out because they feel hurt and wronged because of the break up. They can’t move on. If you are doing well after the break up or they believe you are then they will be even more sore about it, because if they are not happy and place the end of the relationship on you they will do all they can to have you not enjoy your new life apart from them. They feel as if you got better than them and they have lost, the only way to try to make the hurt and lost better is to knock you every chance they get. I would do my best to ignore it or down play it to show them even more I am not affected by you. They may not get smart enough to stop but at least you can go forward and say ”He/she is broken but I am not”.

In your specific case, forgiveness isn’t going to cut it. What needs to happen is that you get to a point where his behavior doesn’t bother you anymore. (I know this is easier said than done.)

I definitely recommend some mediation. If that doesn’t do the trick, I would never speak to him face-to-face, or even by phone. I’d stipulate that all communication be conducted via email, or through a third party. It’s much easier to let it roll off your back, that way. (My ex and I resorted to that for a while, until we could speak without wanting to kill each other.) For visitation, you can even arrange to drop off/pick up your children in a neutral location (a mutual friend’s house, say, or the parking lot of your local police station).

@augustlan For visitation, you can even arrange to drop off/pick up your children in a neutral location (a mutual friend’s house, say, or the parking lot of your local police station). Isn’t that hard on the kids (especially the younger ones)? Having to juggle two parents? If mom and dad hate eachother so much they can’t even share the same space I can imagine what the kids are being told by each parent (or over hearing) about the other.

@Hypocrisy_Central I’m sure it is difficult on the children, as many aspects of divorce are. However, if the only time the parents see each other face-to-face is during child exchanges, and he’s harassing her during those times in front of the children, a neutral drop-off spot would be preferable, I’d think.

@augustlan Or her harassing him. ;-)

@Hypocrisy_Central I happen to know that @SuperMouse is the mommy in this case. ;)

I instituted a policy of exchanging the children in neutral locations earlier this year after the first time he let himself into my home without asking or even letting me know he did so (the kids told me what happened). It might be more difficult on the boys but it is definitely easier on them than seeing him parked in the driveway refusing to leave after several requests.

When we were divorcing we negotiated a parenting plan through mediation. At first it worked out pretty well, then things started falling apart. We attempted to re-mediate but the first time ended with him yelling at me to shut up and storming out. He didn’t even bother to show up for the second attempt. After that I gave up, now I am letting my attorney deal with the whole mess.

@augustlan you make an great point about getting to a point where I just don’t let it bother me anymore. That is probably the secret here. Maybe I just need to “fake it till I make it ” and after pretending for a while that it doesn’t bother me if will finally stop bothering me!