Would you feel safe with a person whose personality was quite aggressive if you knew they had killed someone?

Have you ever wondered why ex-convicts stay terminally unemployed? its the reason you have just described in your question above. no one wants to work with an ex-convict. they are not trusted and other emplyees would work in fear of their lives and their families. i think this pretty well covers your question.

Sorry, but thats life.

The fact that they had killed someone would make me extremely nervous in the first place and then if they acted aggressive, I would stay away from them. I would not be their friend. I don’t want drama or turmoil in my life if I can help it, and in this case, I could help it. Also, all you have is his version of each and every story he tells. Maybe the wife calling the police was a very different version than you heard. Why do you want this in your life?

A lot of what you relate as his experiences appears to be based solely on what he’s told you (especially the stuff about beating up kids). Do you know he’s not lying?

Either way, this guy sounds like a million types of trouble.

A while back you asked the question about “investments”, e.g. investing in education, houses, people. So now I will ask you. Is this a worthwhile investment? Why are you risking your family life and making your wife uncomfortable for someone like this?
Please spend your “blood and treasure” helping yourself rather than a black hole.
We all will still love you.

I think it would depend on a number of factors. The circumstances of the killing, for example. Was it pre-meditated or spur of the moment? Does this man have a history of mental illness? was he in the military and did he kill those people while in the throes of a flashback? Does he feel remorse?

For the most part, if I found out an aggressive person I did not know very well was a killer, then I would be very wary around them. I would be even more wary around a very calm person who was a killer.

What are the paybacks to you for extending friendship to him? Is that a reciprocal relationship for you and if so HOW? There is an old saying, “Water seeks it’s own level.” So which way is the stream flowing here? Are you associating with him because you have a savior complex or a people as project thing going on or because you wish on some level that you were more like the cartoon aggressor? He seems to take great pleasure in his behavior past and present and it doesn’t sound as if he plans on doing anything differently. If that is so than this means your association places YOU at some level of assumed risk.
We ARE associated by the company we keep and we can call in some pretty harsh life lessons when we refuse to recognize the inherant dangers in some associations.

I work at an Alternative High School. We always have a handful of students like the man you just described….male youth who believe they are entitled to invite violence to their doorstep and use that as an excuse to be violent in return. They place themselves willingly in situations so that THEY can commit violence against others and have an excuse to do so. What you describe further are parents who allow violence to be perpectuated outside the legal system on their children…A CRIME of 1st Degree Assault last time I checked. And if it’s perpetuated on minors….I believe it becomes a felony charge for ALL the adults involved.
So THAT is the person you are calling your “friend”.

No, I wouldn’t befriend him. And no I would be justifying his exploits to myself by convincing myself that he had valid reasons because you have presumably looked into his soul.

It wouldn’t be his history of having killed someone that worries me, as much as his continued current violent behaviour.

^^^^^^^^^^^ I’m with you!! shudder

I think I could be friends with a guy like that. It depends on certain circumstances though. That’s probably what the guy needs anyway. I would never feel safe around him but it wouldn’t be personal. I don’t feel safe with anyone and I’m constantly on my toes aware of possible danger. My opinion about him depends on what kind of killer he is. If he killed a helpless person or killed a random person or a Child my opinion of him would be hatred. If he killed someone to protect another person or killed someone out of self defense I wouldn’t think he’s that bad. His aggressiveness I wouldn’t care about. And I would never trust him or anyone. What it would take for me to become my friend is him simply wanting to be my friend.

What you all say has merit. He is bipolar—that’s how I met him.

He was in Africa—the Congo—during the time of all the mass killings. He said he was working on a business deal—and I have no idea what else would bring someone there at that time. They were driving through the jungle to inspect a mine or something when they were stopped by these teen soldiers who wanted their jeep. They were ordered out and tied up and raped. It was clear they were going to be killed.

He had an opportunity to grab a gun from one of the soldiers, and, believing he would die anyway, he took his chance and, I presume, those were the people he killed.

In a way, it was war. He was a civilian in a war zone. An American Capitalist Pig, at that.

Yes, he’s been abused. Yes he thinks he’s shit—or he did. No, he still does, but I think he’s in denial about that. He seeks out danger, yes. Part of him doesn’t think he deserves to live. It’s a form of slow suicide.

But that’s all camoflage, which no one would ever know. He’s protecting a very injured and soft heart. All he wants, like most of the rest of us, is to be loved. But, like many of us, he doesn’t know how to trust, and that makes intimacy hard. Plus he picks all the wrong women.

His aggressiveness is verbal aggressiveness and doesn’t call people names, at least, not directly. He doesn’t insult them, at least, not directly. He makes people feel stupid. He thinks faster than most people—at least, with words. He can’t foresee the consequences of his actions very well—not till long after the fact. He knows he is seeking danger, but it’s as if he is blind to the risks he takes. Or he wants to die.

He is so much fun to talk to. It’s especially nice when he does let down his barriers. He’s a writer—been a reporter for years. But now he can’t keep himself together. I buy him drinks and food every other week or so.

When he asked to stay over, I went round and round in my head—all these things I’ve told you and more, trying to decide if his story is true, because everyone is right. I only have his say-so. I’ve decided it is true because there are too many details that you can’t make up. When he was arrested, he said there were 12 cops in the room. Who would make that up? It sounds too ridiculous.

His son is badly debilitated and has been in the hospital almost every day for the last 14 years of his life. I met one of the doctors last night. Their stories match. If he’s fooling me, then he’s the greatest actor in the world, and for what? My company? Give me a break.

I decided his story held together. When he got to my house, I told him about what my wife thought, and he wanted to leave immediately. He was a homeless broken man just then. I had never heard such weakness in his voice. I suspect he’d just been raped at the jail, but I didn’t ask. Some things I don’t want to know.

He spent the night and was the perfect middle class, pull off your sheets and fold your towels kind of guest. You couldn’t even tell he’d been there. He was so grateful for this favor. I figured that even if he had wanted to steal something or whatever, he wouldn’t do it because he didn’t want to break my trust.

Anyway, that’s why I’ve made the choices I have. I believe I understand him. But I think others can’t understand him, even if they knew what I know. I think that women, in particular, get very nervous about the idea of a killer being around, even if they know the circumstances, because it’s too much to take. But I don’t know that, and that’s why I asked the question.

He is also a mysogynist and a bit homophobic. Ok, more than a bit. But damn! If you’ve been raped? That really fucks up people’s heads. As if he needed more of that. He doesn’t tell people these things. It’s not that he wants pity or help or anything (except when he really needed it). He tells me, and I tell him the stuff that happens to me, and that’s something I don’t have from any other guy I know.

The prejudices, I can deal with. I can call him on them. I can explain what he’s doing. But knowing where I’ve been because he’s been in the same kind of place? That’s not easy to find.

I’m not going to change him. I’m not even going to try. I give him my opinions and he takes them as he chooses. I do the same. His busting on me doesn’t bother me a bit. It’s funny. Last night I was telling him how much stupider than him I am (not believing it, it’s just something I do to get him to shut up sometimes), and he took me seriously and started trying to tell me how smart I was. He’s sweet, really. It’s just that his surface is very scary, like a porcupine.

It’s all a good story. But is it a good investment? Only you can answer.

Here’s what I think. The fact that he killed someone in self defense after he’d been violently brutalized and it was apparent that he was going to die isn’t so bad. I would compare that to a soldier who’d had to kill during combat or a cop who had to kill in the line of duty.

It sounds as if you understand him and that’s what’s important. I cannot judge, never having met him myself, but I do not think he would hurt your children unless there were nasty, extenuating circumstances. I think it would be a good idea not to leave him alone with them longer than it takes to go to the bathroom or grab another beer until you’ve gotten to know him much better. I’d also hold off on telling them about this man’s past until they’ve gotten to know him a little better.

He sounds like he needs a friend and even if you don’t try and change him, having someone who will listen to him and judge him based on how he acts and what he says and not on his past will have an impact on him.

Between the sperm and egg donor thread and this one, I’m finding it very difficult to maintain any kind of animosity towards you. You really are a wonderful person. :)

A few years ago I took a job in a small construction Co. where almost all the workers were in prison at some point(s) in their lives. Most of them still postured like they were still inside. They all seemed dumb or maybe ignorant a better word. I was pretty nervous while employed there. They were all drug users to boot. I’m not sure if any of them killed before but they sure talked the talk. I got tired of “the life” and got the hell out of there at the earliest possible time.

If I were you, I would not give this man any personal info or contact info about you and your wife and I would try to find another group meeting to attend if you can. He may or may not have killed someone, but he sounds like a nut and since you said he’s agressive, that is not likely to lessen, but is highly likely to escalate at some point. Protect yourselves. Do the police know that the guy has, in a sense, confessed to a murder that has gone un-prosecuted? Maybe you could tip them off anonymously. Yikes!

@Kardamom Verbally aggressive. I’ve never actually seen him touch anyone.

The person or persons he killed were in Africa over two decades ago. There’s no verifying it ever happened. He could be blowing smoke. In fact, I thought he was at first. Gradually, though, I became more credulous. Of course, I can never be absolutely sure. There are no witnesses. But knowing his personality, I believe it could have happened.

He has a son, whom he loves very much. His son has been disabled from birth. The only reason he supports his “soon-to-be-ex-wife” (who is a least five years in that category, and it is only after this most recent event that he has seriously instituted divorce proceedings) is because he doesn’t want his son to suffer. Except now she has gone too far, by getting him thrown in jail on imaginary charges (which the DA agrees are imaginary). So he is rerouting his money so it doesn’t go to her directly.

He’s in a huge bind. His wife is a hateful creature, and yet she has custody of their child. He provides living space and money for other expenses for them, leaving himself homeless. She repays him with these wacky charges (apparently she is beautiful and innocent and can convince people at first by batting her eyes—it is only later they figure out she’s a nut, but by then he’s had his teeth knocked out).

If he withholds his money, his son is hurt, and he can’t do that. Yet if he doesn’t withhold his money, his wife makes his life miserable.

I think I’m a pretty skeptical person and I believe his story. Maybe he’s making this stuff up and he wants to seem dangerous, but he is so vulnerable, which you can tell on the few times he lets his guard down.

Anyway, I think it is interesting that people are almost universally mistrustful of him, especially knowing only what information I provided at the beginning (which is all I knew at first). It seems to me that men are just as leery of him as women, though, and I wasn’t quite expecting that. I really appreciate your feedback about this.

It is a bit of a surprise to me. I wonder if you find it scary that I think he is one of the few people who understands me. Aside from my therapist and one or two other people—and they are all women. He’s the only guy I know who doesn’t judge me and who has been where I have been—depression-wise. I’ve never sought out, nor been in the danger he has been in. But I understand the psychology that could lead someone to do that.

Whether this person is all talk or not, I’d not gamble having them around me or anyone else I cared about. There are too many better dispositioned people out there to mingle with.