@CaptainHarley How do you know people can do more than they thought? How can you be so confident that this generalization is true? Sure, some people have surprised themselves, but to make the leap from some people to say that all people are capable of more than they thought—that’s an awfully big assumption.
Generally, to tell people they are capable of more than they thought can be even worse than useless. For people who try hard to quit, and fail, and they know everyone else could quite because they are all capable of doing more than they thought, means that you are not just an ordinary drunk; you are a failure as a person because you can’t quit just by deciding to. Makes you drink twice as much, actually.
Tough love may work with a few people, but I think its effectiveness is vastly overrated. What most successful stop drinking programs do is they help the person take the pressure off themselves. AA even says that the first step is to admit your are powerless. I.e., you can’t stop yourself. It’s not in you.
But that’s ok. No one else can stop themselves either. So give up. Stop trying to stop. Just live and start living as you want to live. Take it a day at a time. You’re not quiting. You’re just not drinking today. You can handle that. Just today. We know you can’t quit. We know you have no self control. That’s ok. No one else does either. Just today, though, we’ll do something else other than drinking.
People who are failures require acceptance and understanding. They do not need to be told that if they just tried harder, and if they just developed a little bit or morality, they’d be able to quit. That just judges them and labels them as complete fuck-ups.
People can perform quite fine when the pressure is off. But taking the pressure off is almost impossible in a moralistic and judgmental society such as the one we live in. And another funny thing. If you let the pressure off, people relax and hey! Guess what? They don’t need a drink to help them relax—at least not today.
So many people have no clue what kind of pain their fellow humans are in. At least, I don’t think they would say “you can do more than you thought” if you had any idea what kind of pain requires lots of drugs to make tolerable. People don’t become addicted just for fun. They become addicted because it’s the only thing they know that can give them enough sight of absence of pain in order to be willing to live for another day.
What people in pain need is forgiveness. They need to know they are ok as they are, and they can stop trying to perform—trying to look normal. When you give up, you can start to be yourself without hating yourself. Then you can begin to deal with all the crap that turned you into a failure. Which is only an idea, but such a powerful idea.
Failure is a hell of a place to be. It may be hard, but some, maybe even many of the most accomplished people believe themselves to be failures. Us less accomplished people can’t even begin to compare to someone who can actually do something good, so we must be even more of a failure than they are. Ah fuck. What’s the point? I’ll get me a gun and blow my head off.