What's a good joke?

Why is 6 scared of 7? because 7 8 9.

Also, here is a quote from my fave comedian: “no one knows whats next, but everyone does it” – George Carlin

What’s the difference between Saddam’s WMD’s and Bigfoot?

Bigfoot has been spotted.

Question: “How many old drag queens does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

Old drag queen: “Oh no! We like the light just the way it is!”

clean What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

Hot, cross bunnies.

less clean What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $1.98 and deer nuts are under a buck.

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a pirate walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “is this some kind of joke”

Question: What’s Irish and sits on your front porch?
Answer: Paddy O’Furniture!

An Irish guy walks out of a bar…

@Winters Hah!

(better said aloud)
Passenger: Does this bus go to Deluth?
Driver: No, this bus goes “beep beep”.

What do you do when the elephant has three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Knock Knock (now you say who’s there)
—who’s there?
control freak (now you say control freak who)
—control freak who?
No, no, no. Try it again. Knock Knock…

What do you call a cow with no legs?

ground beef!

What do you call a cow with two legs?

lean milk!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Whats the difference between a Cowboy and a canoe?
A canoe tips

What’s a jews favorite wine??
“You never take me to Miami.”

A turtle walks slooooowwwwly into a police station.

Turtle says, “I want to file a report I was mugged by a snail.”

Desk sergeant says, “Describe the perpetrator.”

Turtle says, “That is difficult. It all happened so fast…”

@Blueroses and @truecomedian have my favorites.

So far.

My first marriage.

How many psychiatists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but it takes a long time and the lightbulb has to want to change.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Thirteen. One to change the bulb and twelve to form a support group.

How many Irish does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room spins.

Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We choose not to make a statement of either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb however, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way,long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.

How many Thought Police does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There never was a light bulb…
How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
Two, one to do it and one to say “Huh ! My four-year old could’ve done that!”

How many software people does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a hardware issue.

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

How many Vulcans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One: Any more would be illogical. or;
Two but it is an illogical waste of effort to construct a light bulb for such a purpose.

How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?
Light bulbs are irrelevant. Darkness is irrelevant, changing them is futile. or;
One, but the whole collective enjoys the experience. or;
They don’t change the light bulb, they assimilate it . . .

Here’s a few from the February version of this question
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says make me one with everything. (from Zen, of course)

Mat74UK found this one funny: A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. “A couple of inches.” replied the Irishman.

So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

“That’s odd” thought the Irishman. “The water only goes halfway up on them ducks.”

and Grumpyfish gave up this one: Duck walks into a bar, looks up at the bartender and says “Got any grapes?”

Grumpy Bartender says “We don’t serve your kind, and I don’t have any grapes, get out of here!” And the duck leaves.

Duck walks in the next day says “Got any grapes?”

Bartender, more frustrated says “No, I don’t have any grapes. If I see you again I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!” Duck ruffles feathers and walks out.

Duck wanders in the next day, a little nervous says “Hey Barkeep, got any nails?” Bartender says “Uh, no…” Duck replies “Got any grapes?”

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A “walk.”

One day, little Timmy was looking out his bedroom window, looking out over the neighborhood wondering what he’s going to do with his life when suddenly Mrs. Thompson’s house across the street bursts into flames.

As little Timmy stares on in horror, two fire trucks come up with their sirens wailing. The firefighters pour out of the fire trucks working to put out the fire and to rescue any survivors.

To little Timmy’s amazement, the firefighters are able to rescue Mrs. Thompson and her little pet dog and put out the fire in almost no time, suddenly little Timmy realizes what he wants to do with his life, when he grows up, he’s going to be a firefighter!

Ecstatic with this realization, little Timmy runs to the kitchen where his mother is reading the newspaper, overflowing with joy, little Timmy says, “Mommy, Mommy! I know what I want to do with my life, when I grow up, I’m gonna be a fireman!”

Little Timmy’s mother lets out a sigh, folds the newspaper back up, sets it down, looks at little Timmy and says, “Timmy, you’re not going to grow up, you have AIDS.”

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and nice home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand, does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read… it say:
Polish Remover

Two muffins are baking in the oven, one muffin turns to the other and says “boy is it hot in here!” The other muffins screams “AHH a talking muffin!”

A rabbit is running through the woods and comes across a racoon about to smoke some pot. The rabbit runs up to the racoon and says “Don’t do that! come run through the woods with me. I’ts much more fun!” OK the racoon thought I’ll give it a shot and ran with the rabbit.

As they where running they came upon a deer who was about to snort some coke. The rabbit runs up to the deer and says “Don’t do that! come run through the woods with me. I’ts much more fun!” OK the deer thought and followed the racoon and rabbit.

As they where running they came upon a lion who was tying off. The rabbit runs up to the lion and just as he’s about to speak the lion punches him in the face and sends him flying across the forest. “what did you do that for?” said the racoon.

He replied “Every time that fucking rabbit takes ecstasy he wants everybody to run through the woods with him.”

What’s Brown and sticky all over?

A stick.

Doctors say you can avoid the flu with plenty of exercise, fresh fruits and veggies, plenty of fresh air, stress elimination and plenty of rest. Doctors also swab you with alcohol before they give you a shot. Know why? Because alcohol kills germs.

So… I take the doctors’ approach to staying healthy:
I walk to the bar (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona (fruit)
I put celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
I sit out on the patio while I drink (fresh air)
I tell silly jokes and laugh (stress elimination)
Then I pass out (rest)

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up, the flu can’t get you!
Better a shot in a glass than a shot in the ass!

Where does the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.

This joke doesn’t really work written down, but I’m going to tell it anyway!

I went to the zoo the other day. They only had one animal. It was a Shih Tzu.

Here’s another intended to be told out loud:

A hooker approaches a 90-year-old guy and says, “Hey old man, would you like some super sex?” He thinks for a minute and says, “OK, I’ll take the soup.”

Chaos breaks out in the the courtroom, and the judge raps his gavel and calls out, “ORDER IN THE COURT!”
“Now Mickey Mouse, let me get this straight. You want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she is mentally insane?”, the judge asks.
“Nooo”, replies Mickey Mouse. “I want a divorce because she’s f*cking Goofy!”

Teacher: “Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?”
Student: ” Smo-king”, Drin-king and F**-king”

@poisonedantidote Loll… good one! seven ate nine! can’t believe that joke and George’s got NO lurves…what is the world coming too!

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. Their lack of faith due to God forsaking mankind has driven them to alcoholism.

Here’s a joke with a clearly discernible history, and it will be 30 years old this month:

What kind of wood doesn’t float? Natalie.

@Brian1946 ouch

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/literally.png