Is it a bad idea to speak to someone who you ended on a bad note with?

I think it’s always worthwhile to try to reconnect with someone if you have positive feelings for them as long as you don’t anticipate that it will be too painful for one or the other of the parties.

Why not try to talk to her? What is the worst that could happen? She could ignore you or tell you to piss off. But what if she is willing to talk? You will never know if you don’t try.

Yeah I guess I should at least give it a shot.. although I’m not really sure what I ought to say and perhaps that means that I really shouldn’t say anything at all.

How about emailing and saying something like Hi, was thinking of you. Hope all is well with you. If she doesn’t want to reconnect, she will ignore you. If she does, she will answer.

Alright… I guess that nothing too horrible can happen. I guess I just feel like a bit of a douche bag but that message seems harmless enough. I’ll give it a shot…

be prepared to honestly answer what is different now, and own your responsibility in however it ended before. She’ll ask sooner or later, most likely pretty early on.

Let us know if you do it and how it goes. Good luck.

You mean what is different about our ability to possibly become friends since it went to shit the first time? I suppose you’re right about that.. I was kind of hoping I wouldn’t really have to go there.

@sgt pop mctart I was kind of hoping I wouldn’t really have to go there. You are such a guy.

But I’m not a guy. I mean, I understand why I should explain myself. Anyone would want to avoid making the same “mistake” twice. It’s just that I’ve already done all the explaining I could do in the past. I wasn’t mentally ready to be in a relationship with anyone and she took that rather personally.

It suppose it depends on the specific circumstances. I had a relationship that ended on a bad note with a friend of mine from high school. Some of the tension had been building for a while and some of the things that cause the tension were her fault but the bottom line was that I was the one that did the petty, mean, shithead thing that finally ended the relationship for good, and on a bad note. We didn’t speak for about ten years and I always really felt bad about the way things ended. I was reading obituaries in our local paper one day and saw that her sister had died. I called her father and offered my condolences to him and got my friends number and called her and told her in California and told her that I had always felt bad about the way things had ended, apologized in some detail to her in a way that made her understand that I knew what a shit head I had been and how badly I had behaved and offered her my condolences on the death of her sister and we talked for a bit. She seemed to appreciate that I apologized and appreciated the condolence call and I felt a lot better knowing that I had taken care of something that had been weighing on my mind for a decade. We never talked again but I think it was important to both of us to put an end to that chapter.

@lillycoyote That’s a pretty incredible story. I’m glad to hear that things went positively for you. I guess after all of that time so much would have happened in both of your lives that it would be kind of ridiculous if neither of you had gotten over things at least a little bit.

I think that a lot of people who were in bad relationships like that (maybe not abusive relationships or anything that dramatic) would like for things to just be okay even if they were mutually okay at the time of the break up or the end of the chapter or whatever you want to call it.

I just hope that I’m not stirring up any memories or thoughts that are extremely unfavorable by messaging her.

Please do not send her a text or e-mail. It would be best if you could talk to her in person, and if not, on the phone. Leave e-mail as a last resort, and make sure it is clear as to how you were feeling then and how you are feeling now. Whatever you do, do not txt. Please.

@Pied_Pfeffer: Why do you say that? And with such fervor might I add, because that’s really why I’m asking.

@Sgt_Pop_McTart I really don’t know the specifics of your situation and even if I did I don’t think I could tell you exactly what to do. There are no absolutes in these kind of things. It’s not like chemistry where if you do A, B and C using the right proportions and in right order you always get a certain result and if you do A, B and F the whole thing usually blows up. I just decided to do what I did and it worked out. I wish I had a better answer. I just wanted to let you know you that sometimes you can heal an old wound.

It’s becoming rather difficult to focus on this since I can hear my brother singing Bohemian Rhapsody in the background, but I do appreciate the responses.

It’s difficult for me to get a feel for how things will work out as well, as she is a couple of years younger than I am and we youngsters can change so drastically in such a short period of time.

I think that, like lillycoyote, I just want to sort of apologize somehow for what seems to have been one the biggest miscommunications I have ever had with someone. I don’t want to make it all about me, but I pretty much am.

I just hate how it lingers over my head like a black spot or something.

Yes, unless they approach you. Then it is ok

@YARNLADY I’m not sure what you’re referring to.

If you think that you could have a good relationship now and you want to test the waters, it would be best to talk to her and re-open the communication that you (might have) had in the past. She is more likely to respond if she can tell you verbally how she felt about the situation. It may sting at first, and there is always the possibility that is not ready to let it go, but at least you will know that you have given it your best shot and where you stand. Look at @lillycoyote‘s response, for example.

If you are only looking to get this feeling off of your chest by explaining what the situation was in the past, then by all means, an e-mail or letter will work. Just keep in mind that it may go directly to the bin, or if read, may be misinterpreted.

@Pied_Pfeffer Dammit… you’re so incredibly right about that.

Use text or email only with someone on whom you are on good terms, and therefore solid ground. Something this iffy needs to be handled face to face if possible, by phone if face to face not possible. You need all your senses, or as many as possible, to be front and center.

Wellllllllll it looks like I got my answer since I kind of already sent my message over an e-mail and it wasn’t a very good response haha

@Sgt_Pop_McTart Some things are better said from a distance, in a letter (handwritten and sent snail mail I might add as it’s personal, shows a degree of sincerity and carries a certain amount of gravitas in the age of e-mail and text messaging) so that you can say what you need to say clearly and without getting flustered, sidetracked or leaving important things unsaid. But in person or on the phone you get a better sense of whether the person is receptive to your approach. What they say, the tone of their voice, the subtle clues as to whether your headed in the right direction or whether you’re just making things worse. If the worst happens, you can just say “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up old wound or cause you any more pain. I’m sorry.” And then you end the call. An email is a concrete thing, that if it does cause the person additional pain, well they will either delete and be done with your or it will be there in front her face for as long as she has it there in front of her face.

you seem resistant to owing up to what was wrong then, that you have already told her you weren’t ready. But my point is to tell her why you are different now, what has changed?

@Oops! Too late. Just saw your response. Oh, well. You got your answer, I guess. Like I said, it’s not chemistry, it might not have worked no matter how you went about. Time to let it go, I think. She’s not receptive, time to leave her alone. Otherwise, it’s start to look like this thing is really about you wanting to make yourself feel better and to take a weight off of your own conscience rather than you wanting to do the right thing, to right any wrong that you might have done your friend.

@zenvelo I just feel like she over-reacted so hugely to what happened between us. Even the message that she just responded to me with seems so ridiculously dramatic and over-the-top as if I killed her dog or some shit.

Oh well… if she’s still that incredibly bitter, and now I know that there’s apparently nothing I could ever do or say to change her feelings towards me, then I’m just going to have to accept the fact that I really screwed things up.

@Sgt_Pop_McTart My comments seem to be one step behind you. She may be overreacting, her bitterness may not be entirely justified, maybe it is, maybe you exhibited a degree of jerkdom that is hard to forgive, but she’s apparently not open to the possibility of any kind of reconciliation or apology on your part. There’s not a whole lot you can do about that.

Yeah I’m just not going to worry about it.

It should be approached delicately, like approaching a boss for a raise: you should both be in a very good mood.