Controlling parents refuse to let me move out?! Help!

Move out. I’m sorry – but if they’re this dramatic about it, there’s no subtle or sweet way to do it. Move out…tell them where you’re going…and if they show up trying to take you home, call the police.

You are an adult…they have no control over you. Eventually, they should get over it if they want to continue to have a relationship with you. Otherwise, you’ll be living there till you’re forty. With cats.

You’ll just have to do it. Just tell them that you love them, but you are moving out. Tell them when and tell them that you will keep in touch with them. Once you set a date, stick to it. You are legally an adult, they cannot stop you from moving out. If they give you a really hard time about it, you might have to pack your stuff and leave when they aren’t home. It’ll suck, but you can work on the relationship with them once you are out of the house and their control.

You are 21, thus legally entitled to all the privileges and responsibilities involved therein. Move out. You are not resposible for your parents’ reactions, if you want to grow up you have to do it yourself. If it destroys your relationship with your parents, that’s a shame, but they cannot legally “drag you back” or compel you to do what they want.

Edit to add: If they call and yell, HANG UP! and let them know you won’t talk to them if they do that!

If you can afford it, have a job, have a budget and feel you’re responsible enough to handle being on your own – they can’t physically stop you from moving out.

Now they could emotionally blackmail you, cut you off financially or refuse to speak to you ever again, but that may just be the price you pay for your independence.

The only thing stopping you from moving out is you. They are making it hard, that’s true. But you are legally an adult, you have your own income and you have somewhere to go. So go.

You’re trying to get “agreement” and “consensus” when they unreasonably withhold that. Just do what you want to do (that doesn’t involve them), and leave. It’s long past the time for you to look for approval, agreement and permission from your parents if you’re ready to go. The fact that you are still looking for those things makes me sort of side with them in thinking that you’re not really ready.

You’re your own problem, dear.

What if you do move out? What do you think they’re going to do? What can they do? You’re an adult, legally speaking, so you’re free to do whatever the fuck you want, and if they phisically prevent you from moving out it’s technically kidnapping.

You have no real reason why you can’t move out except that you don’t want to piss them off, and that is a problem that doesn’t stem from them, it stems from you. They won’t change if you keep doing what they want you to, people don’t change unless there is cognitive dissonance (between what they think they can do and what they manage to, in this case).

Just pack your shit and move out, if they try to stop you, call the police (don’t bluff, threaten them once and then DO IT) they’ll let you go. And, if they don’t, the police will make them.

Sounds like mom thinks her life would be worthless without you. Go ahead; move out and show them you can do it !!

I just noticed Even with the constant emotional and physical abuse, they’ll do nice things for me and it isn’t always chaotic (emphasis added)

WHAT. THE. HELL. ARE. YOU. WAITING. FOR? FFS! You still take into account their emotions when there is physical abuse in the picture? FUCK THEM. Pack your shit and leave without a glance back or a tip of the hat, they don’t deserve you and you don’t owe them shit, despite what they want you to think.

Why do you need their approval to join the Air Force? You’re of age. Go ahead and join if that is what you want to do. Should be interesting to see them come try to drag you out of there.

It sounds like your parents are just afraid of being by themselves. Have you pointed out there childish behavior? Maybe you could promise to call them that you would come home for dinner or something similar.

Why do you need their approval to join the Air Force? Are they court appointed legal guardians?

I’m not wanting to join the Air Force anymore. I don’t know if people are getting that message. I was using it as a means TO move out because they wouldn’t let me move out on my own OR even with a friend. I’m saying “approval” to the Air Force, because it was the ONLY thing they had agreed on since they said I’d be in the “government’s hands”.

So like I asked you; Are they your court-appointed guardians? I can think of no other reason why their agrement would be necessary.

I get that it is going to be hard for you. There will be drama and hurt feelings and probably some mean tactics on their part. Still, just do it. They will eventually come around – they aren’t going to be mad at you for years and years! You have to break out eventually. Have some friends help you move your essentials some time when your parents are not home, then come by when they are home to calmly explain your reasons. You are an adult – if you want the perks of being an adult (like living on your own) then you have to act like one. I don’t mean that in a mean way. Just that being an adult is hard, but you have to do it.

My parents can be neurotic and will get physical with me if/when I come around, which is why when I try to communicate with them my plans; they’ll get incredibly angry and state the things THEY want me to do (i.e. Air Force) and when I try to assert my plan and remain calm to let them know that it is what I want to do; they get even more angry and it’s just a constant stream of yelling and them stating what THEY want me to do and how I have no choice and when I try to continue to assert my plan on moving out; they’ll get physical because it’s upsetting them even more. That is why I was asking do I just pack up and leave a note to avoid that kind of confrontation.

@Aubs427 – Yes. Leave, leave note. They get to choose whether or not, this time, they will be grown-ups themselves.

When will I know I can see them again without them being angry?

@Aubs427 – they themselves will make that abundantly clear. That is their issue to deal with. I hate to say it, but that’s not your concern right now. Leaving now will help them as much as you – a lot more than you staying.

If they’re not going to change, then it’s best to get out as early as you can anyway.

So, even when they are not angry at this moment; my plan is to move out Friday around 2:45 when they’re not home. They get home after 6 PM. Is that a good plan?

Yes. And don’t let them pressure you to come back. You have every right to make these decisions on your own. You can’t control their response, but your can control your own.

I agree with @perg

Speak of the devil, I’m on the phone with my mother telling her “I’m not going into the Air Force; I’m going to move out and go through with my plans. I’m an adult.” But, she keeps saying that is not a plan; and she’s very angry now because she doesn’t want me to move. She says “moving out to a friend’s house is not responsible and stating that if I have no plan and I’m just cutting out the air force.”

Plain and simple; she doesn’t want me to make that decision.

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. You are grown. Think about what you want your next 5 years to be like? It has been said if you spend the next 90 days doing what you did the last 90 days all you will get is what you always had. If that is what you really wanted, then fine. If that is not what you wanted and you want more, then that is not so good. They can’t force you to go into the military or stay there at home, you are a legal adult.

You will piss some people off, because you can make all of the people happy all of the time but you can sure piss off many people most of the time. You also have to take into considerations how solid the relationship is with the b/f, dating someone and living with them is a whole different playing field with all different rules. Are you both game enough to play that contact sport? If it goes sour with the b/f what plan do you have then? You have to make sure you are not going from the fry pan to the skillet.

Perhaps you should find another female, someone who you will have just a working relationship with not attached to any romance, then you can keep business straight.

Get a PO box and when you mail anything to your parents you use that address. When you feel they have calmed down enough you can extend the olive branch by inviting them out to lunch to explain and show them how well you are doing. There is no easy and painless fix to this, but when the fat hits the skillet what do you want 3 years from now?. When you know that you try what you can to make that reality comes true.

In fact, she doesn’t want me making any decisions. For example, she doesn’t like a friend of mine who moved out 3 years ago, but on good terms with her mom… and now she’s saying, “You cannot hang out with her.” Dictating who I hang out with, where I go, and what I do; sometimes they would let me do certain things like go out with a friend, but they still control when I come home and even where I go.

For some unknow reason, i have this feeling that you are not really serious about moving out. you have not put up much of defense for yourself. after all, you do not need their permission to go into the adult world. i know they are just looking after you and your safety, but they have to realize that all children have to leave the nest, sooner or later.

If you were serious about moving out, you would have been gone way before now.

I’ve got my plan down.

So, you need to move out. I know that it will be hard. My parents are both very abusive, and it takes a lot of courage to stand up to them. But it’s your decision. If they don’t like it, tough shit for them. If they threaten you with cutting off money, tell them that’s their decision to make, and you’ll be very disappointed and it will hurt you deeply, both emotionally and in terms of making ends meet, but you understand that they have to do what they feel they have to do. If they threaten you with physical violence, you call the cops. If they guilt you and tell you that you have an obligation to stay and make you afraid of what will happen if you leave, tell yourself that you have nothing to be guilty about, and you have no obligations, and they’re simply projecting their fears if you move onto you. A lot of these threats might be bluffs, and if you call them on it you might find they weren’t going to carry through. Or you might have to live with what they do. You need to figure out what you’re willing to do in order to move out and what they can threaten you with that will work. If they threaten to take away a car they paid for and is in their name, are you willing to give that up?

I don’t have the car right now because it’s being fixed anyway. Getting to work wasn’t an issue because it’s literally like a 5 minute walking distances from his place. And, I don’t ask anything from them. And, I do appreciate the things they want to provide for me, but at the end of the day, they can’t provide for me for the rest of their lives. When was this providing for me going to end? When I’m 40 years old? They’re set in their own ways. Or at least my mom is. My dad is a little more understanding to what I want and what would make me happy, but at the end of the day; if I tell my dad “I’m moving out because it’ll make me happy and I know I can be successful on my own; regardless of what you feel or think”... That’s when he’ll get aggressive or defensive and start yelling in all crazy ways.

I stand by my original diagnosis. The only problem was you didn’t want to piss them off. I think you’re past that now, which is really good. Just move out, it’s the only way they’ll grow up.

Think positively, you’re one of the few people that can actually claim they’re more mature than their parents.

Thanks Thammuz. The one thing that’s difficult is when they’re trying to throw bargaining chips at me like “We’ll give you a later curfew if you stay”. They’re throwing all kinds of things at me to get me to stay home. But, I told my sister that I stand by my decision in moving out because I need to do this for myself. EVEN IF, it means the death of me. After this experience of just dealing with making the decision of moving out, I’ve come to realize I’m being suffocated by my parents. And, I need to move out, so that I can miss them and WANT to be around them.

Your family is very inconsistent. I fail to understand how they are so worried about you moving out to live on your own, but not at all worried about you going into the Air Force. You would be in the government’s hands, but you could also get called into combat, which is much more dangerous than living on your own and working in a civilian job.

Since you are feeling that drive for independence, you should work towards moving out. I see no reasonf or you to stay, unless you are still financially dependent on them. If you have a job and can pay your expenses, then I think your plan to move out is a good one. The only other thing you need to worry about is this: is the car in your name? I ask this because you do not want to be accused of theft if you take the car and go.

I understand that you do not want to damage your relationship with your family. But in reality, they are choosing to be hurt by this situation. It is normal for a young adult to move away from home in this country. You may not believe this now, but they will probably get over it and want to be a part of your life again. Just make sure that you don’t let them continue to control you from afar, and don’t invite them to your new home until you know for certain that they have accepted your decision to move out.

@john65pennington Sadly, some parents don’t want to accept that their adult children will move out. Maybe they failed to nurture their hobbies and interests outside parenting, and so they are not ready to move on from the parenting role. As you said, perhaps the OP could’ve built a stronger case for herself, but if she has been tightly controlled by her parents, then she is probably not accustomed to making decisions and asserting herself. It is better for her to do it now than never at all.

No, the car isn’t under my name. I wouldn’t be able to take the car even if it was sitting in the garage right now because I would not dare of taking/stealing something that isn’t mine. I’m not even taking my computer because it was an expensive item and even if I wanted to pay them for it; they’d still get upset for me having taken the computer (we have two). I’ll have a computer at my new place anyway, so I’m not worried about the material items.

It sounds like you’re afraid to take responsibility for your own life. As long as you live at home, it’s convenient for everything that doesn’t go right. They only do what they do because you give them permission to do it.

Move out. Pack your things and go. It would be better if you were moving out on your own, not to live with a boyfriend.

You want your parents to like what you’re doing and give you permission to do it. That isn’t ever going to happen.

@Aubs427 All in all, the bargaining chips are really meaningless, they all depend on you giving two shits about what they want you to do. Frankly i would find it an insult to my intelligence to be offered a later curfew as a substitute to not having a curfew at all. It’s like saying “if you stay, we’ll kick you in the ass instead of kicking you in the balls” when leaving means they’ll not be able to kick you at all. It can be a pathetic course of action but it surely isn’t an effective countermeasure.

It seems they’re starting to realize they have no way to actually control you anymore so they’re trying throwing everything at you hoping something sticks, stay the course and eventually they’ll run out of ideas.

You have them by the balls, just move out and they’ll have to face the fact they can’t order you to want to be with them. I really think there’s a chance the thing will blow over faster than we might expect.

Also, if you felt really ballsy, you could even do it while they’re home! Just have your BF come pick you up in a car. Pick up your suitcase, go to the door and just say “I’m moving out, bye!” then calmly get on the car and go. I don’t think they’d react on the spot and that’s a hell of an exit!

How did it go?

I’ve moved out. But, my parents think I’m doing it for trial.

Good for you!

It is sometimes still hard because they still expect me to see them almost every week… I got some space, but they still expect things from me.

Congratulations on moving out. I think it’s normal for them to still have expectations of you, but you guys will have to talk about those expectations and decide which ones will happen and which ones won’t. Now is the time to start working on the type of relationship you want to have with them. Good luck.

It will be hard. It will continue to be hard. However, best…decision…ever.

You are 21. Unless you absolutely need your parents financial support…why are you asking? Simply move. You seem to be a considerate person so do let them know you are going when you do decide to move out. But, take your life back.

I am sure that you have already made your decision, but to further justify your feelings. I am also 21 years old. I recently graduated with a bachelor’s degree, and to top it off, I did it in 3.5 years straight out of high school. I have a teaching license, but I am waiting on a teaching position. So, I am living in my parents’ house until I can get a teaching job and financially stable. I am currently substitute teaching, by the way. My parents are being very hateful about me trying to make my own decisions. I know the old saying, “if you live in my house, you live by my rules”. I respect their home, but I feel that I should be able to make my own life decisions. I am always scolded or yelled at when I mention that I am going somewhere. I have mentioned trying to find a teaching job outside of my home town, and they blow up when I speak of this. I need my own beginning. I have a boyfriend back where I went school, and they are disgusted when I go visit him. BTW, I have an apartment that I have to finish out a lease on in my college town. But, back to your situation. I have been told by friends that they are extremely overbearing and overprotective, but I have been trying to cope with the situation, since I cannot afford to move out right, now. Please, if you have the means to do so, move out on your own, even if it is with a boyfriend. You need to be at peace with yourself. That is my next step. I know it gets so stressful being in that situation. I hope things have worked out for you. Maybe we can keep in touch with such a similar situation.

I’m going through this now except I’m a 23 year old mother of 2 children. I work n pay my way here but my parents controlling behavior has thrown me into an emotional roller coaster. They say where I can and can not go what I can and cannot do. Mind you it’s places like taking the kids out to eat or the park or even to spend some time with my bf. If my parents can’t benefit from what I’m going out to do than I’m not allowed my mom is a pot head hermit who only leaves the house to food shop (with me n my children’s food stamps) j.s and to buy cigarettes which she’ll usually send someone to do. She’s very angry and violent they refuse to let me move out my father isn’t any better I mentioned getting out on my own a few months ago and he pulled out a pistol and threatened to blow his head off someone please I need advice I love them but I can’t be here any longer!!!