So what do I do about this girl?

As a parent of daughters, she needs room to grow as a person. You need to let her go, and move on. Maybe she will come back at a later date, maybe not. While she may be the best thing for you, you may not be the best thing for her, and are stunting her development.

A lot of change happens to young people in college, and you should not deny her that. The 5 year age difference is bigger than than you think. The fact that you have been on again/off again shows that you have both really tried to make it work, but it’s not working. And that’s because at her age, she’s changing and growing, and needs to change and grow. You’re already past where she’s just heading.

@BarnacleBill I guess it just didn’t seem like I was really getting in the way of her growth at all. I helped her do all the college things, and we were together but I wasn’t “there” for her to lean on and use as a crutch. The only thing I feel I was solidly keeping her from was dating other guys, and at least a couple of times I didn’t even do a great job of that apparently.

If she met you at 17, she really is too young to settle on you as “the one.” Sometimes it happens that way, but really not. A lot of change happens in your late teens and early 20’s, and more happens around in your late 20’s. After that, things do settle down for a bit.

I’m sorry for your heartbreak. It will take you some time to get over it, and even though it seems like it will never end, you will meet someone else, and life will be good again.

@BarnacleBill She met me on her 18th birthday, and we started “talking” a few months later. I’m not so certain she’s the one, and I’m not looking for marriage or anything right now. I just know that I am immensely happy with her, and when we’re together she seems immensely happy with me. I just wish/want this to be “functional” to be “local” ... to actually have a chance to work. I’ve seen so many couples that dated all through high school and then got married, or people I know who’ve only had serious relationships for their whole life and all through college…. I just don’t see why we can’t even have a chance at a normal relationship. And I don’t know how to read a lot of what she’s said.

It seems so stupid to me.

I haven’t read the previous responses, but I would say cut bait and let it go. Dont force it. my ex told me the same thing she wanted to live the “single” life and get out there. I told her its not all its cracked up to be, but she wouldn’t listen. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink.

But it sounds like to me with her “conflicting” messages, that perhaps shes trying to somewhat string you a long… like some sort of backup plan incase plan A doesn’t pan out, she knows she can run back to you.

If it were me, and its going to burn, I would remove them from my life, block the FB, remove the number from your phone, and focus on moving ahead. I don’t think moving down to where she lives would fix anything, I always found increasing the seriousness of it doesn’t help anything. My ex use to talk about having kids, and that kids would have fixed the relationship; no we would still be separated but now there are kids in the mix.

I guess overall stay strong, and do what feels right. If you want to keep talking to her then try, but you may not like what you hear or see.

But if you are wanting to move on, focus on that. Focus on work, friends, and yourself for a bit. I would just say don’t stay in limbo and pick a path on what you want to do, and what you want to see happen.

@wgallios thanks for the advice…. To me its not really a matter of making it more serious. Its a matter of making it normal and seeing if there really is something there. If it didn’t work out I wouldn’t be bound to stay with her, nor her me. I could move away from there even more easily than I could move there.

It sounds like you and she are a bad match for a number or reasons. The easiest reason to point out is that you guys have been in a long distance relationship for almost the whole time. Long distance relationships are always very exciting, but they are not real. You can’t really know what people are like (the good the bad and the ugly) unless you are around them most of the time (including in mundane situations like doing laundry, divying up the house hold chores, hanging out with her and her friends and her family, deciding whether to leave the toilet seat up or down, figuring out what to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner etc.) Don’t be caught up in the anecdotal evidence that these relationships can work out. They are extremely rare, and it’s just not worth all of the pain.

It sounds like this relationship thrives on drama. Both of you sound like you are not ready to be in a long term comitted relationship. To have a successful long term relationship, you can’t have this on-going up and down, angst driven drama. It all sounds very romantic and exciting, but it doesn’t sound healthy or mature.

I would break it off with her now and give yourself some time to figure out what kind of life you ultimately want for yourself. And while you’re figuring it out, just live your life (and avoid all the big drama)

If you have a job, concentrate on that. If you have other friends, hang out with them and do activities that you love and have been neglecting (camping, sports, artistic pursuits, whatever it might be) and spend enjoyable time with your family.

You should also try doing something that will keep you busy and help somebody else, like volunteering to clean up the waterways around your town, serving food at a homeless shelter, collecting food and blankets from your neighbors to take down to the local animal shelter. Be involved, be busy and have some particular word you say to yourself every time you start thinking/obsessing about this girl. Have a plan of action on what you are going to do instead of thinking about her/calling her/writing her/checking her FB/ etc. Walk around the block, go to the park or the beach. Just do something that doesn’t involve thinking about or dealing with her.

Unless you have a specific job that you want and you would be taking in her city, don’t even consider moving there. Break up with her now, gently with no drama and just explain to her that you two are not a good match and that you plan to spend some time figuring things out for yourself, and maybe in 6 months or a year you can check in with each other (not get back together).

If you are having an especially difficult time trying to not obsess about her, you should consider getting a few sessions with a GOOD therapist. Talk to your doctor (or your school’s health department if you’re in school) to get a reccomendation. It seems like you’ve been suffering for a long time (which indicates that she is not the perfect girl for you). Sometimes you need to get a little bit of help, but in the long run you’ll be much better off. Please take care of yourself : )

Let it go. You two have been off and on over physical distance. You now are in a position where basically you’re competing with men who are right there where she is to offer friendship and/or romance but consistently. You can’t compete and you have nothing new to offer.

You say yourself you’re not sure if she’s the one or if you want a serious future with her. Most women are hoping to meet someone who gives them visions that “a future” is possible, she may be thinking you’ve had your chance for a few years now and so it’s clearly not you.

Don’t beat yourself up for not feeling more about her, a person doesn’t have to have something wrong with them to not be a good fit for you. Don’t be actively selfish to hold her back from the opportunity of more with someone else. Feel miserable, find distractions and you too might find someone who gives you those “I believe in life with you” notions.

@Neizvestnaya You have missed the part where she’s 19…. The thought of marriage terrifies her more than I. And its not to say I don’t see that as a possibility… Its just a nice pairing that there’s no pressure of that anytime soon.

@tedd: oops. My guess is she’s wanting to see other guys then.

What you’re really asking is her to commit to a non-commital relationship. It sounds like she doesn’t want to make that commitment. Having you move there is a commitment on her part, because you’re making a big change to be near her. It makes her responsible for your happiness and well-being.

@BarnacleBill Which is essentially what she said… But its really not the case. I would have to move there yes, but thats not really that hard for me. I WANT to move out of this town and find a new job to further my career… I’ve been looking for a few months now in fact. I’m crawling in my skin to leave this place and just move on. And if 2 or 3 months down the road it didn’t work with her, I could just as easily move again. Everything I own would fit in one U-Haul, and cocky as it may sound, I can find a job in any number of cities.

Its less me making a big change to be near her… more of me taking advantage of being at a point of change to be nearer to her. I mean, why the hell would I move to like Dallas or something if I can just as easily move to where she is?

Your reality and her reality are not the same reality. She is telling you that she doesn’t see you as part of her daily life, and doesn’t want to feel responsible for you. You have more emotionally invested in this relationship than she does; it sounds like your distance relationship with her plays a bigger part in your life than your real life relationships, and with her, that’s not the same.

Her reality needs to be going to school, and doing age specific things. At 25, you’ve moved past all that and are in a different place. You should not deny her the chance to develop in her own way, at her own pace, on her own path.

None of which helps your depression, I know. You sound like you are floundering, and I am sorry for you, because I have been there. It is not an easy place to be.

@BarnacleBill I guess I just don’t see how being with me inhibits her developing. To be honest, I don’t even see us in that different of a place.

Well, your day is work, her day is class. You’re old enough to go to bars to socialize, she’s not. Her nights need to be spent studying and writing papers, you have free time.

@BarnacleBill You must be older if you think she’s never been to a bar or out socializing. And I go to work sure, but how is it really any different from class? Having just graduated college the only difference I’ve found is I can’t go home and nap between classes anymore. She is busy with studying only because she chooses too study a ton (very smart girl), we had very similar majors and I had probably more free time in college than I do now.

sigh….. i give the f*ck up…. I just want to go to bed and not wake up at this point.

No, I know exactly what college students do. I have a 24 year old daughter that got her master’s degree last year, and a 21 year old who’s a sophomore. I can tell you that the developmental difference between the two of them is huge, even though the younger one is quite mature in some ways.

My oldest had a boyfriend for a number of years that was five years older than her, and even though they met while in undergrad, there were some very marked differences in development.

@tedd That’s part of the problem. You don’t see it how your being with her inhibits her (and you), or you just don’t want to see it. It seems like you want us all to give you a reason to stay with this girl or to continue with this relationship. Ultimately you will decide to stay or leave, but most of us have taken in the facts that you have given us and it is pretty clear to us that this is not a good, happy or healthy relationship for either one of you. If it was you wouldn’t be questioning it in the first place. Relationships are hard work, but that doesn’t mean that there should also be this hideous and constant sense of pain and helplessness. What I mean by hard work is that both parties have to know what they want, they should have a similar ideals about how a relationship works and they should have some common ground on what it takes to get there and then they should be respectful towards each other and not have to constantly question each other and second guess every move the other person makes.

Why do you have to pick the exteme of giving up and not waking up? Why not tell her that you two are not a good match and move on? Otherwise you’ll be asking all of these same questions about your relationship a year from now, and 5 years from now and so on. You deserve better than to be stuck on this kind of treadmill. You need to figure out what is best for you and for her even if it means giving each other up and finding something new and better.

You’ve probably heard the old saying that it doesn’t help to keep doing the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. You and this girl gave it your best shots, it didn’t work out and now it’s time for you to try something different, something positive. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, start living your life and doing the things that interest you. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Hopefully happy, successfull and active.

@Kardamom There was never a hideous and constant sense of pain and helplessness, until the day we broke up. Thats exactly the problem… I think we are a good match.

You think you are a good match, but she doesn’t think the same thing. Not everything you run to wants you.

Ha… she’s already done something with a guy she knew there for a while. So basically I was just replaced.

Two years down the drain, because she got a crush on some jackass. Wonderful. I hate my life… I’m gonna go take a bunch of nyquil and try to just not wake up.

I’m really sorry that things did not work out, and that you got hurt. Sometimes finding the right person is really hard to do—far harder than you’re led to believe when you’re very young.

For 95% of people, long distance relationships are no more real than Santa. The only way long distance works is if it starts out with two people being in the same place, there is commitment on both parties, and there is a fixed date and plan for the distance to end. Otherwise, it’s not a real relationship. A real relationship involves being able to do nothing together, to spend time hanging out, doing things with each person’s friends, eating meals together, you deciding that you really don’t like her red shoes, and her telling you that your favorite sweatshirt is beginning to look ratty, and that you might want to think about getting a haircut. Calling you to come over at 2:00 am because there’s a mouse in her kitchen… People who are separated by the military or by grad school, and who are in a committed relationship to begin with, stand a better chance of surviving distance because they agree beforehand to make compromises to make it work.

On the upside, you didn’t go through the hassle of moving to be near her, only to find this out when you got there. The healing can begin a whole lot faster, and you can work though the heartache. It will end eventually.

@BarnacleBill Well see there’s a worse problem…. It looks like I may get the job I wanted in her city. Now what do I do when a dream job, or at least the job that gets me doing what I want to be doing…. is located about 2 miles from where she lives?

Well, you have four choices – 1) you can turn down the job and look elsewhere, 2) you can take the job and forget you ever heard of her, increasing the chance of reinventing yourself and meeting a woman that you make laugh who sees something in you worth reproducing, 3) you can take the job, become a psycho stalker, risk her getting a restraining order against you, and scare off every eligible woman within 50 miles of you, or 4) you can become a cloistered monk, giving up all contact with the outside world.

My daughter’s ex-boyfriend lived four blocks from our house, and in two years, I never accidentally ran into him. Deliberately ran into him, but never accidentally…

well i wouldn’t become a stalker thats not who i am…But how do I just go there and remember memories from there… and know she’s right there… Its like… things are finally going right in my life, I’m looking at a job in the city of the girl i love… its liek a dream scenario…. then she dumps me and i get the job…. like fate is saying “HA… now move there jack ass”

I shoulda saved some “choice” pictures of her and put them on the internet…. lol… j/k

Perhaps think of it differently. You just dodged a bullet. She’s not as perfect as you think. It’s the distance that created “the ideal.” If she had been in the same town as you the whole time, you would have broken up months ago.

Always be the gentleman. No new girlfriend will want a boyfriend who trashes the old girlfriend in public.

@BarnacleBill You may be right, it may have never worked out had we been together…. But at least I’d know that. Now I’m left wondering if things would’ve been different had we just been local.

Go get a six-pack of beer and watch the movie “Sliding Doors”. Chick flick, but oddly appropriate.

@BarnacleBill I’ve never drank in my life… Though I’m strongly considering it.

for now i’m just gonna take a crap load of nyquil…. and force myself to sleep… and hope i dream of good memories instead of the sadness i have now

Sleep well. I hope you have good dreams.