What should my friend do about her ill father getting neglected by his money-hungry wife?
Asked by
jca (
36062
)
November 5th, 2010
I have a friend who has a father that lives in another state (about a 3 hour ride). The father has dementia, diabetes and a host of other physical problems. He is married and owns a condo. He is growing increasingly frail and demented. His wife had moved out and gotten her own apartment, after it was found that she had stolen from him. My friend (the daughter) was going to have him move in with her but when the wife found out she decided to take him back. She admitted she was having trouble financially on her own, but the father loved her and missed her. He moved into her apartment, and he now rents out his condo to the wife’s granddaughter.
He recently entered the hospital, due to a fall. The wife called my friend and informed her, which was very nice of her to do, as she and my friend have not been talking. It was discovered that he has not been receiving his insulin shots, and he is in poor physical health. The doctors said he had not been receiving his insulin shots for months. The wife is supposed to administer the shots and whatever his medical needs are at home. The wife is also the power of attorney.
My friend is upset that her father has been getting neglected by the wife. The wife has no interest in keeping the husband alive, as she is due to inherit his money, condo, etc. if he passes away. The wife has been buying him alcohol and probably not making him follow a diabetic diet, because she never has in the past (she always cooked the richest, most fattening foods). My friend cannot afford to take him to live with her, as she cannot afford it without some money, and the wife has power of attorney. Furthermore, my friend has an apartment with many steps, and the father could not handle the steps.
if she makes too much of a fuss, or calls the authorities, the wife may not keep her informed in the future as to the father’s health condition. He could die and the wife may not even call her if she wanted to be spiteful. She hates to see her father neglected, but her hands are tied.
what would you do if you were in my friend’s situation?
Observing members:
0
Composing members:
0
8 Answers
If that were happening to my parent, I would be calling adult protective services. He needs to be able to get the care he needs. Could she look into getting him a home health nurse or even going into assisted living if she doesn’t want to call adult protective services?
Adult protective services should be involved. There are laws against this sort of thing for a reason.
I can understand your friend’s hesitation, as fearing loss of contact with an aged loved one can be terrifying. However, assuring that her father receives the proper care he needs is absolutely essential.
At least if APS is involved, he may be transferred to a facility where he can be cared for, and where his daughter can receive regular updates from his caregivers and medical professionals on his state, while resting assured that he is being cared for. If finances allow, they may even arrange for a caregiver (or caregivers) to come to the home. Either way, she would have a new, open, neutral line of communication with her father that excludes the wife. The number one issue should be his well being, though.
Her hands are not tied. She needs to contact an attorney right away.
She needs to contact the agency in the state where he lives that handles elder abuse.
Is the father a veteran? If so then Veteran’s Affairs will have liaisons to assess his current state of dementia, suggest in home assistance and also types of full care homes. The daughter can keep in contact with him through others instead of the neglecting wife.
What others have said is also true, there are hotlines and agencies to deal with elder abuse.
the father is a Vet. I advised her to contact the VA Hospital, and see what services they have. She feels her hands are tied because the wife has power of attorney, so she has the ultimate say what happens with the father and with the finances. I think if APS got involved the wife will downplay the problems in order to keep him home and slowly kill him (it seems).
@jca the wife has clearly neglected to properly administer the medication he needs. Whether or not she really is just a vindictive something or another, or if she just doesn’t know any better, she does not appear to be capable of providing sufficient care. Diabetes, of course, requires management. You state that he has dementia, but do not specify which type, which means I will speculate that he may have a degenerative form.. which means that he will be even more difficult to care for in the near future than he is at this point.
POA or not, if the wife is unable to provide adequate care to the point of negligence (which is what this sounds like), a total stranger could come into the picture and do something about it. Definitely talk to the VA. I still suggest APS if the VA isn’t especially helpful (sorry to say it, but sometimes it just works out that way.) In any event, no one is reported to a protective services agency and doesn’t play down what is going on in the household. The agents are well aware that is likely to happen, that is why they investigate on a case by case basis.
I do understand your friend’s hesitation, as it is more than just a legal and factual situation, of course. This is her father, and emotions are tied up in the circumstances. However, not managing his diabetes, not administering his insulin, and (although it depends on his current state of mind) allowing a person suffering from dementia to make decisions like drinking alcohol and eating fatty foods while on a restricted diet are all questionable behaviors.
Wow what a horrible story. I am so sorry for your friends suffering. With that being please follow what they said above, those answers are spot on and deserve lurve so here goes.
@jca: Her hands are not tied just because she’s not the spouse. If she can get just one visit to the VA with him then a case will be opened and can be followed up with. The VA is a pain sometimes (we went through this w/ my Grandpa) but if she can get on the paperwork as kin and better yet, emergency contact then she can get a grip where she feels she has none.
I’ll also say this much, from an outsider’s view, people with dementia and their caregivers often look frazzled becasue they are. It only takes a few hours of a dementia sufferer alone to make a home look like it’s been hit by a tornado and what they can do to themselves, ugh. I wish your friend the best of luck, she will need it and all the care she can enlist.
Answer this question 
Composing members:
0
