Would you pick love over friendship?

It depends upon the situation. I was dating a guy who said that my best friend was a bad influence on me. His reasoning was ridiculous. It wasn’t the only reason, but it was in the top 5 for why I broke off the relationship.

My SO didn’t care for a friend, but understood that I liked the guy. He gave me space to be friends with him without giving an ultimatium. Occasionally, he’d join us (and suffer in silence). I’d do the same for him.

I think that, in most cases, if it’s necessary to make a choice, there’s something wrong either with your friendship or your relationship.

That has happened ,but I was never asked to make a choice.I doubt that I would either.

It seems like an unnecessary dilemma. Why should you have to choose? See your friend on your own time.

If my love didn’t like the friend, and other people didn’t like the friend, I would evaluate the friendship and try to see what others saw that I didn’t see.

On the other hand, if the love didn’t like the friend, but we had been friends for a long time, I would probably re-evaluate the love interest for signs of being controlling, and I would look long and hard at his/her relationship with his/her friends. Being controlled by another person is not healthy.

I would arrange to see my friend without my lover being present.

Been there done that. I dumped the friends unfortunatly. Now he’s gone and so are they :(

For the most part – I love my friends. I don’t want anyone around me that would demand I choose them over another for any reason other than the most severe.

If your love is your wife or husband, their wishes come first, after a lengthly discussion of the situation and why the request was being made.

The person I loved.

It depends on the situation. I had one male friend that my husband (before we were married) voiced a concern over. He was okay with us being friends at first, but then something happened and things changed. The friend tried to interfere with out relationship, and that was the last straw for my husband. He didn’t demand that I stopped being friends with him, just stated that he wanted me to make it clear to my friend that what he did was unacceptable. I talked to my friend and over time we drifted apart some, but we still talk on occasion. That was my choice though because I didn’t like him interfering with my relationship.

From experience I’ll say yes and only because the “friend” in question was a mess. With any loves though, they have always gotten on well with my friends becoming their friends or at least congenial acquaintances. I’ve got great friends, I’m lucky.

It would depend on how long I had known my love. If it was a recent relationship, then I would choose my long term friend.
If I had only recently met my friend, then I would choose my love.

I feel that if someone loves you and you have a friend they wouldn’t try to come in between that unless that friend had specifically done something wrong to them. But if my friend did do something wrong to my S/O…goodbye friend.

Usually someone that places mandates on the friends one keeps has control issues.

If said ‘friend’ is a bad influence and is asking you to do harmful or stupid and inappropriate things that might effect your primary relationship then this merits attention.

But if it’s based on petty B.S. then I’d look at the controlling factor.

I would maintain a relationship with my friend that my love didn’t know about. Cutting your lover/spouse off from a friend is a selfish thing to do. It is usually done because the love is threatened by the friend, for some reason. But love always comes first, in my book.

@wundayatta

But isn’t that deceptive behavior?

I don’t believe that ‘love’ ever embraces deception of any kind, large or small.

Secrets destroy intimacy.

Then you are setting yourself up for all sorts of lies.

One cannot really claim to love someone if they employ a ’ what they don’t know can’t hurt them’ attitude. Just sayin’. ;-)

@Coloma Indeed you are right in that secrets do have the potential to destroy intimacy. It’s a problem. Although, it all depends on what intimacy is. People have many definitions of intimacy, if I am to believe what people have written here. Many people believe it’s perfectly decent to have relationships where the partners have secrets from each other. There are therapists who believe that some secrets should never be told to significant others.

Personally, I feel like having secrets does destroy your ability to talk about everything (obviously, you can’t talk about the secret). However, just because there are things you can’t talk to your spouse about doesn’t mean you can’t have true intimacy with them.

The sex addict people believe you have to come clean about everything. I can see their point. On one level, you want to be able to talk about everything to the person you care about most, and if you can’t do that, what’s the point? However, people have many relationships, and it is not necessary, and perhaps not even desirable to get all things from one person. Most individuals don’t even have the talent necessary to do that.

Perhaps it depends on how many things that secret is involved with. If it gets too large, then it really does threaten any meaning in the relationship. It becomes more of a business relationship, which is something a huge portion of couples put up with, sadly enough. If the secret is very specific, then it doesn’t have as much impact. It might not really make a difference as far as intimacy is concerned.

It’s a complex issue—one worth of it’s own question. I’ve tried to ask it before, but it always seems like there’s more to unearth, if only you can figure out how to get at it.

Secrets destroy intimacy, I know too much about that and agree! They may not ruin a thing at the outset but little by little, the excitement and faith about someone will wane as each secret is revealed and they almost always come to the surface more like a pimple.

I my husband didn’t like someone I considered a friend, that person would be out of my life. This has never happened, and is very unlikely to happen.

@wundayatta

I agree, no one person can possibly ever meet all the needs of another.
I would make my own decisions about a friendship taking into account a partners perspective but I wouldn’t lie about meeting that friend for lunch and conceal that.

Sneakiness is a horrible trait to have.

I do think total honesty is a must have in all relationship, short of throwing a suprise party. ;-)

This honestly sounds like a 6th grade conversation.

Nobody used the term “booger breath,” so how can this sound like a 6th grade conversation?

Thanks guys for the advice. I have a friend that is younger and likes to party. ( 24 years old) My husband doesn’t drink really . So he doesn’t like me hanging out with this person. Even though I only go out like once a month with this person, if that. She will pop in occasionally. I find it difficult to have a friendship with this person because he doesn’t like her.

@Frenchfry: I was once the bad influence friend to a gal I know and her husband. We all had a great time hanging out together but if she and I went somewhere then we drank way too much, never got into any shenanigans but I’m sure her husband didn’t like wondering, imagining, etc. I was put to the back burner for awhile, I understood just as I understand now when my partner has unsavory acquaintances who call on him to “party”.

They both fade in time,so it would be hard to pick one or the other.