How many chances do you give a man that can't seem to stop messing around?

Everyone deserves a second chance. Any more than that? hmmm….

Messing around how? If it’s a person I date and we’ve agreed to a mutually exclusive relationship then if they mess around as in setting up meets with another in order to make out or have sex then let myself hurt to whatever ends by cutting them loose.

If it’s messing around like so many people do now by getting entangled in emotional relationships then I might give another chance if my partner could put their priorities back in line with mine. I’d have to be in a pretty serious relationship to go for that though.

In my experiences and observations, most messing arounders/cheaters aren’t worth the hassle, forgiveness or therapy. They let people down who care about them and love them, consistently.

Depends on the issue and the relationship. Majority of the time, people don’t change unless they really want to change. What happened the first time? What was said before giving a second chance? Has the person said they are going to change? All of that plays a roll in what I would do next.

been married almost 6 years now..hasent been a year or even 6 months that has gone by that he hasnt cheated, or left for 3 months or whatever the hell else…it not fair for my kiddos and I but every time he swears he is going to change..im a softy and stupid

I’d suggest counseling but I doubt he’d go . This is so tough. I’d go for a separation, I’m afraid.

@lacielee I couldn’t stay in a situation like that. Personally, I would tell him that he can pack his things and go and file for divorce. If you want to try to work things out, ask him to go to counseling. If he refuses, you need to do what’s best for you and your children.

Adultery is the only Scripturally-sanctioned cause for divorce. Even so, if you feel like forgiving and seeking counseling, then go ahead and do that.

Two?

6 years of cheating means 6 years of him seeing your surprise, hurt, humiliation, anger, disbelief, denial, faking, frustration and disappointment. He obviously is built of the stuff to dish it and take it, he’s okay putting himself before and also against you.

What is the benefit of keeping with him? He won’t change so what does he gain you and your children? Do you have a wonderful home you couldn’t keep without him? Are you dependent on him for reliable transportation to where your job (if you work) would be in jeopardy without him? Are you children completely oblivious to his behaviors? Do your children respect him and think he’s an outstanding father?

Staying with him will tear you down. You’ll have depressions, weight issues, health issues and all of these will invite further scorn from him. Eventually if you give in and stop expecting from him, he’ll blatantly start to demean, despise and torment you. Your children will pick up on this and it will put ingredients into their mix they don’t deserve, things seen, heard and learned that can damage their futures as adults. You will lose friends and family who will start to think you’re “stupid and hopeless”. Get out if you can, don’t let more years go by settling for what’s left of wishing & hoping. Good doesn’t always get rewarded by good.

No chance for someone like that. You are wasting your time. Send him packing!

42

I think you’re about 4 years past what you should put up with. Talk to a counselor/therapist if you need to, but have some respect for yourself, since he has no respect for you. Change the locks and tell him he doesn’t live there anymore.

If you do go into therapy then go after you’ve split from him. Do it for you and also how you’ll be for your kids. Don’t do it with him and then get your hopes up. In Therapy doesn’t suddenly put a protective coating or sudden hault to any negative behaviors, you’ll end up feeling more betrayed than ever.

Do for yourself from now on even if it means you have to lay some groundwork on the sly and pay him lip service for awhile until you can safely and securely leave or tell him to leave. Now’s the time to ask friends to help. Make plans, get documents and personal affects to a safe place. Don’t threaten him, don’t invite suspicion, just get yourself going.

No second chances, too much of a hassle and you end up wasting time you could be with someone worthwhile

Sorry to say but your man shows very strong character disorderd issues and you ARE putting up with abuse.

I would suggest YOU find the strength and self esteem to terminate this situation.

We teach people how to treat us and you have had an enabling hand in this circumstance.

Making noise is not the same thing as taking action!

Most philanderers and abusers keep pushing the envelope because so far, the other partner has not set a boundary and stuck to it.

He won’t take you seriously until YOU take YOU seriously, and even then..well, I think this ‘relationship’ has run it’s long and ugly course.

Saddle up cowgirl it’s time to ride!

Here’s a way to get some instant perspective and confidence. Go see a divorce attorney for a consultation, alone. Research your rights and options if the worst case scenarios happen. Make plans as to what steps you’d take for you and your children. Think about the people in your life right now and note who are friends, who are merely acqaintances, who are people you feel confident in and supported by. Research rents, car financing, school assitance for returning mothers, whatever tools you think you could use if you went forward without this man.

Your wasting your time if he doesn’t stop messing around. Move on and find someone else.

I know it’s a cliche, but: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

He’s not behaving well, but at this point neither are you. You know he’s not going to change. Take responsibility for your life. Get out of there. This shit isn’t good for you and it’s not good for your kids either.

I agree with others. 6 years of this is far too much to put up with, or even want to work past, in my opinion. If you can’t get out for you, get out for your kids. I don’t know how old they are, but kids are far more aware of what goes on than people give them credit for.

Six years turned into 25 in my case. He always pleaded that it was his fault, nothing regarding me…I was the perfect wife. Perfect wife? More like a fool who thought, if I could only love him enough…silly me. I wasted the very best years of my life on a man who couldn’t care any less. Everything was always about him. What he thought, said, believed…he set the preferences for our lives. Then, he fulfilled someone else’s preference file.

But, when it gets down to it…it was my choice.

If a guy (the one I’m married to) ever cheats on me. We are done.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Are you making him get STD checked on a weekly basis?

Don’t have to. He wouldn’t dare cheat on me.

@Neizvestnaya

Very good advice, yes…check out your local womens center also if you feel financially trapped and therefore emotionally and physically trapped. Womens centers often offer free legal help and counseling.

@desertr0se

Never say never..until you have experienced the reality of a cheating spouse you really cannot say anything with conviction.

I have never known anyone that left in the aftermath of cheating that did not go through several more years of hell trying to determine if the relationship could be salvaged and getting through the anger that another has made a life altering choice for you and inspite of you!

It is very painful stuff and takes time to process.

@lacielee

Just to clarify if my response sounded too harsh, not my intention, BUT…6 times is waaay beyond forgiveness. I wish you the best, been there…and I am 8 years free and very happy!

YOU CAN DO IT!

@Coloma, Yes I can and I have experienced this. I left a marriage when I found my spouse was cheating and never looked back. Was not painful at all and I am not sorry for leaving him. I was remarried within 2 years and still am happily married. My husband knows what would happen if he cheats on me. We’ve been happily married for 14 years now.

@desertr0se

Good for you! :-)

Only two chances. After that, you are giving him free reign and he knows it.

Wow; he could have a child by one of the other women ! So you have to split up and right before the holidays really hurts a lot. Life can be really difficult.

For me only one time. For anyone else I would tell them: no one can tell you how you feel or how you need to live your life. Like anything in life, when you get tired of it or it no longer fulfills your needs…toss it.

@AmWiser

Yep, one strike you’re out!

Told my ex when he said ’ but everyone deserves a second chance!’

My response..’ That’s true, it just won’t be with me!’ hahaha

@desertr0se
When you say “My husband knows what
would happen if he cheats on me.”

That, to me, sounds as if he’s not doing it
because he doesn’t want to…but, because
he fears you, not loves you.

What am I missing here?

Giving a cheater a second chance is like letting your child fail two tests. Theres always circumstances that can explain the action, but left unchecked, they will continue to go down the “dumb” path. Maybe you breaking up with him will make him a better person for his next. But I don’t see any logical reason for you to stress yourself NOW because of PAST feelings. Letting go is hard, but so is staying in a abusive relationship, and that’s what this is. When someone cheats on you, it’s like saying “your good enough to be used for something, but not everything.”. Being treated like an object is probably the lowest form of disrespect there is to any mammal. Look at some of these TV shows on dogs and cats and watch how they act when a new pet is brought into the house, they try hard for the old love they had, then they become reclusive because they realize that they were left alone for the new pet, and the new pet is now the alpha. That’s what happens to the cheated, they know they’re abandoned, even though their partner is still there, letting them waste away into a sad shell of their former selves.

I strongly believe in second chances. That’s all they get. I wish everyone believed in second chances.

As many as you like.

@Moegitto Wish I could give you more lurve.

@Moegitto: much lurve.
That’s what happens to the cheated, they know they’re abandoned, even though their partner is still there, letting them waste away into a sad shell of their former selves.

This is how so many emotional online relationships begin and then lead to the cheated becoming a cheater too. Seen it.

@free_fallin Me too

He’s got a problem. If he doesn’t get some therapy and get into a support group to help him stop this behavior, he will do it forever.

It’s up to you. Do you need him to stop in order to stay in the relationship? So far that hasn’t been the case. You are telling him you need him more than you are upset with him. So, if you are unwilling to leave, you have to put up with it.

Otherwise you can tell him to get help and to stop, or you will leave, Or you could just leave. It’s a harsh world. If there’s any way you can leave, you should do it.

He also still needs help even if you do leave. Some people call what he’s doing a sex addiction. It’s compulsive behavior and he has no idea how to stop. He doesn’t understand why he’s doing it, only that something drives him to do it. He has to work on that. Not just for you, but for himself. Inside he is deeply unhappy and something is deeply wrong. He is lying to himself, not just to you. If he doesn’t fix that, he’ll be miserable the rest of his life and no amount of fucking is going to help him.

none

I’d either live with it or leave cause people that are that into it don’t change. In the marriage I am in now I would have to live with it. hasn’t happened though

I’d be utterly shocked if my SO had an extramarital affair and even more so if I cheated on him.

missA, We have an understanding. I don’t cheat on him and he doesn’t cheat on me. We love each other and we like it that way. I told him at the beginning, cheating is unacceptable and he agrees. What are you missing? A good man, I assume.

@desertr0se

That sounds a lot different from what you posted earlier. And, I suppose you’re right about the good man. But, I’m happy for you.

To paraphrase an old saying:

If they screw you once shame on them. If they screw you twice, shame on you. If they screw you more than that then you’re just being dumb.

Honestly though, I think everyone deserves a second chance. But hypocritically speaking, I don’t know if I would be able to forgive infadelity in a commited relationship even once.

@Self_Consuming_Cannibal: I also believe everyone deserves a 2nd chance but as @Coloma wrote, I believe they can get that chance with someone else they haven’t already hurt or embittered.

My motto for my second leg of life is, let them learn and live on. I want someone for me who’s already knows how not to be an idiot.

@Neizvestnaya That’s a good point. And as far as I’m concerned they would have to get that chance with someone else, because I don’t think I’m gracious enough to forgive infedelity.

@Self_Consuming_Cannibal: Once upon a time I was so full of myself that I thought I could be forgiving but all the putting on a good face couldn’t ease me any. Since then I try to be upfront with people and tell them I’m not good at forgiveness for all my well intent, you’d think they’d get the big picture and choose not to f**k up but nope.

Better to walk alone than in the company of fools. ;-)

A life alone wanting someone, is better than a life with someone while feeling alone.

@Moegitto I don’t think that’s true for everyone.

@wundayatta Everyone faces their own truth, some people have the mental fortitude to face it head on, and some have to find a way around it. I’ve been described as a person with no ability to see the grey area in life, so I only see things in black or white. If someone is happy living in an uncertain situation, then I give my blessings, I just think life is too short (even if you live to be 122 years old) to be wasting in a negative situation.

@Moegitto I see. I guess I find that most situations have advantages and disadvantages. Feeling alone within a relationship is not the only important criteria for leaving. Also, it is not something that has to be permanent.

You see an advantage in cutting your losses before they get worse. I see an advantage in sticking with the losses because I know it is possible; maybe even likely that things will become much better. It’s a tough call sometimes. That’s for sure.

Thus lies mans first folly, independent thinking. It’s impossible for one person to understand another, we can only learn to live with it. I choose not to, but then again the world hates me so my views are misconstrued.

@Moegitto
I am part of the world…and, I don’t hate you.
I don’t ‘hate’ anyone.