If your teenage daughter became pregnant and wanted to keep the baby how much would you help her?

They’d both be my own children. So anything I can provide.

If she’s in her teens, she’s gotten most of the lessons I’m going to teach already. I’m not going to turn the most stressful time of her (very young) life into another lesson on how hard the world can be.

If I’ve taught her right, she’ll do everything she can. If not, that’s not the baby’s fault.

Regardless of my legal obligations as her parent/ guardian, I would certainly help her as much as she needed help with and of which I could provide.

I would give her a roof, a bed, daycare, and money for education. Frankly, I would regard it as a blessing, because I doubt if I would otherwise ever become a grandfather. I would not, in any way, try to shame her. Life is too difficult as it is to go around trying to tear apart your relationship with your daughter. I love my daughter and I will not let her go to the dogs for something like that.

I would help her as much as I could. It would be for the benefit of my grandchild.

We were family before the news, we’re family after the news, one more mouth to feed is no big deal, and certainly not a reason to give up life plans.

I would have been thrilled, I love the idea of grandchildren and I’d do anything for my daughter.
(KatawaGrey used to get irritated with me for talking about this :-)..... )

@noelleptc : You’re so blessed. Not only with your little girl, but with your parents. When I deliberately got pregnant at 34 my mother was horrified, and announced that I had done this deliberately to humiliate her…

I love the way everyone is answering this!

In every way imaginable.

As far as I’m concerned, if my teen daughter is under 18 then she is a minor under my care. I wouldn’t encourage her to birth a baby when she can’t even yet support herself. I’d have to be in a position to financially support and aid in the upbringing of the baby myself or else I’d just feel awful about the whole situation. I can’t stand to see children born to difficulty and suffer any.

I don’t expect my answer to be popular but having been born to a teen mother myself, I have really strong feelings about the reality for most of these kinds of births and the family dynamics they play into.

I would do everything I could for her except make the fucker that got her pregnant feel comfortable around me or in my house.

at least until he can prove he deserves it . . . it’ll take awhile . . . a long, long, long while

I would support in every way I possibly could. But I would inwardly be critical of myself that I did not make the birth control lectures a little bit more forceful. And when I say that I am projecting my own feelings because to me it would be a hell of a difficult way to be forced into growing up perhaps long before I might be ready (I mean for me, the mom, not necessarily the baby)

@blondesjon: It takes two to get pregnant though. I’d be upset with both of them for disregarding how they’d affect everyone around them, not giving deep thought to how any children would be provided for if pregnancy happened. The way I look at this is I’ve practiced birth control all my sexually active life and don’t deserve to be expected to pick up after anyone else’s mistakes, even my own child. I’d do my best by my child but I would initially be horribly disappointed.

This is the gamble people take though when they have kids, that the kids will do these type of things in return. My partner and his ex wife were teen parents and when one of his kids recently gave him a pregnancy scare then we were thinking, how could he knowing the circumstances of his own birth?! It was almost an insult to all his parents had gone through for him.

@Neizvestnaya . . . it does take two but one of them is not my baby girl

Of course I would help Lucillelucillelucille Jr and LLLJr.Jr.
I wouldn’t turn away my own daughter…if I had one ;)

The decision whether or not to keep the child would ultimately rest with my daughter, and I would be supportive of her in whatever her decision would be. Some of it would rest on who the young man was, what his situation is, what his parents are like. The expectation would be that he or his family fulfill at the bare minimum the financial obligation that goes along with producing offspring. I’ve known too many young men who have scooted through life as if nothing happened, going away to college, not providing child support because their parents didn’t want “one little thing to wreck their future.” Meanwhile, the young woman’s life is totally derailed from what she thought her future would be. Very often, friends guilt young people into keeping a baby, but scatter to the winds once the baby appears.

I’d help my daughter (if I had one). Family is important to me and I’d admire my daughter for taking responsibility and not taking the easy way out. I’d help her through anything, like a mom should.

I would support her in every way I could while encouraging and helping her to stand on her own and raise that baby. I love @Blondesjon‘s perspective of a father.

I would personally be devastated. I have been very open with my son (and will be almost as open with future children) about how difficult it has been being a single teen parent. My son is now 14 and I am just finishing up with my masters degree. I have had to rely on the generosity of employers and school administrators to give me a chance and have had to struggle and work so hard for everything I have. It is not the life I want for my kids.

That being said, I would raise the child myself if I had to. The baby deserves the best upbringing and my kid deserves training on how to be a parent. The lessons are painfully difficult at a young age, and I would be there through it all.

It brings tears to my eyes right now to think of how disappointed and yet supportive all of my parents have been. Where I fell short, they picked up the slack. My son is the person he is today because of their generosity. I would do the same in an instant.

Our family has been there and it was my granddaughter’s decision to keep the baby. She was only 16, a good child and a smart student. Because she didn’t show until late in her pregnacy she was able to attend school up until time for the birth. She finished school and now goes to college and works. Its has been a struggle for her being so young, but I must admit she takes care of and teaches her child well. All with the support of her family and extend family.

Honestly, I would be disappointed; however, I wouldn’t turn my back on her. We’re raising our children to understand that you don’t abandon family. You may not always like their decisions or actions; but that doesn’t mean you turn your back on them.

I can see a few (read weeks) of sleepless nights worrying if things will be okay and how are things going to turn out for them, but still, she would have my unconditional support.

I will say that I won’t be a doormat. During the week, I absolutely will be there to help so she can finish school, but I won’t be babysitting all weekend so she can run around with friends. She will have to accept responsibility.

I think being a teen and pregnant, she would face enough shame and humiliation on her own, I wouldn’t dream of adding to it. It’s life. It would be another hurdle. We would work through it, just like we do now. One step at a time.

I would definitely help her to finish school and do all I could to help her reach her family and education goals. I would have an open dialogue with her at all times as Everyone in the equation will be involved and I would expect her to work for her goals and to understand that I and others in our family have some goals and time restrictions and we would like to keep moving forward too. Family matters and the children…both mother and baby.. are still in the nest at this time. I am not talking about a free ride. She did, by having a baby, increase her responsibilities and she must met them as much as she is able. She has just thrown her teenhood away for adulthood,so that includes her helping, not just receiving. Having a baby while so young is not wise and it would be disappointing, I love my kids and hope this would not happen but if it did We would all remain loving the daughter and loving the baby.

Would it be okay to abandon her if she wasn’t a good student or gave you trouble?

@KatawaGrey I love that you turned it around, still the answer is no. At least for me. It wouldn’t be ok…not at all. Family is family.

Great answers. I don’t have any children, but recently during a conversation with a friend this came up. I believe I would fully support my daughter if she decided to have the baby. I honestly would lean towards aborting the baby, but it is her choice and I would support her. If she chose to have the baby I would be very against her giving it up for adoption. I would not be angry she became pregnant, although I would probably wonder what I might have done better for her to avoid this circumstance and also simply concerned that life will be tougher for my daughter, and she might miss out on some experiences. I would help her financially, and as the grandma help her care for the baby so she could finish out high school and pursue her goals. I am stunned when I hear a parent is extremely surprised, very angry, or feels the need to punish the child somehow and make it worse, or cast them out.

@KatawaGrey I just wanted to set the tone that this was not just one more “irresponsible thing” she had done. I believe any teen can get pregnant by accident, even ones who have always been responsible. Just by being a teen mistakes happen. Not that I am saying a baby is a mistake, but getting pregnant would be unplanned at that age, well hopefully.

@JLeslie I am curious why you would lean towards abortion yet be very against adoption. If that was what she wanted I know that was not the question would you be supportive?

@cupcake I just think I would never sleep again wondering how the child is, what she is doing, etc. Even open adoption would not be enough for me. If it was what she really wanted I might consider adopting the baby if she would consider it, if it was practical for me (if I had a baby tomorrow, I would be in my late 50’s when my daughter was a teen). In the end I would support my daughter no matter what, but I can’t imagine a child of mine giving away her baby. But, of course we cannot always control what our children do. I am in awe of women who do it, don’t get me wrong, I do not negatively judge people who put their babies up for adoption, I think it is an incredible thing. I am only talking about how it would affect me.

@JLeslie I respect that. I think, for me, that I would have the same reaction to abortion.

I planned on having an abortion when I was pregnant at 16. My parents convinced me not to. I met a family to adopt him. I decided in my 7th month of pregnancy to keep him.

In my heart, and this is difficult for me to explain, I completely relate emotionally to abortion and adoption as though I had experienced them myself. I am occasionally brought to tears thinking about where my son would be if he was raised by another family, or what emptiness I would feel if I had an abortion. But just about every day of my life from pregnancy to now has been difficult. There is no easy answer.

@cupcake if my husband and I were in the same financial situationwe are today, or better, we would have the money to help her. I think if it isn’t a monumental financial burden it makes things much easier, but you can correct me if I am wrong, as I said I don’t have children, and I was not a teen mom obviously, so I do not speak from personal experience. Not that it would be me taking care of everything, but as long as my daughter was focused and committed to creating a future for herself and her baby, she would not have to struggle financially while pursuing her education.

I know someone whose friend’s daughter had a baby and gave it up in an open adoption, and she goes to see the baby on weekends quite often. Her family is middle class, so they can afford to help, and I just don’t understand if she is going to see the baby that often why she did not keep it? But she was raised with the idea if you get pregnant abortion is not an option and teens should give up their babies, conditioned I would say, so I guess it is accepatble to her. No judgements from me, just saying I never really grew up thinking I would ever give up a baby. The first time I heard of such a thing was in 10th grade when a girl in my high school became pregnant. It was never mentioned in my family, but birth control and abortion were.

@JLeslie: In our family then giving up babies for adoption wasn’t given much weight, the thought being you couldn’t guarantee how the child would be raised and no flesh and blood is worth the gamble of neglect. Abortion wasn’t talked about as an “easy way out”, it was talked about as being a realistic and reasonable alternative to raising a child in possible poverty, with not enough people for emotional support. Birth Control was the expected addition to becoming sexually active unless already married and planning to make a raise a child.

If abortion had been legal then my mother would have had one and not had to spend any time longer than necessary married to a man who was bad news. I was an unwanted pregnancy. My mother and my mother’s entire family hated my father and my father’s family. My father’s family had so many that I was basically insignifigant. My grandparents ended raising me so my mom could “finish growing up” and basically find a new responsible and good man to marry. I wasn’t neglected in any way but I always knew when people looked at me then they were looking at a “mistake”. I can’t imagine choosing to subject my own flesh and blood to that and so personally, I didn’t.

I’ve never understood the mentality of “one more isn’t too much” or “there’s always a way” and families who step up to bat without blinking an eye to take over parenting responsibilities and I commend you all for being so unselfish. It’s strange for me to know (I’ve done it) I can become an instant parent to other people’s kids but I never felt I have enough to offer to be a start-to-finish parent to one of my own. This is just one more thing I think is great about tapping fluther.

@Neizvestnaya I don’t think people look at the child as a mistake, they might feel the mother made a mistake, meaning she became pregnant, there is a huge difference. Recently, I have heard a lot of Republicans saying how awful it is to call a baby a mistake. This totally pisses me off, because I don’t know anyone saying that. It is twisting words. The days of the branding of a child as a bastard, I hate to even write that word, are long long gone. No one blames the child.

@JLeslie: Trust me, a lot of people still do look at kids like that and think it’s sad what the parents have done, what were they thinking, how’s the kid going to make out, poor put upon grandparents, poor unknowing baby, stupid selfish parents. They feel sorry for the kids and who wants pity overshadowing love and compassion?

@noelleptc I don’t doubt that happened, that is not what I am talking about, I am talking about how they view the child. You are talking about how they judged you.

@noelleptc That is different to me too. Worried how a child will turn out, is different than looking down on the child, or not even giving it a chance. I don’t judge either person. Like I have said anyone can get pregnant by accident, and it certainly is not the child’s fault. Also, marital status would not matter to me, it has more to do with how old the parents are I think, their ability to care for the baby, maturity, etc.

@noelleptc :)

It would all depend on the whole situation and how she is dealing with it. If she thinks having a child is something akin to having a puppy that she can pass on to my care than she would be sadly mistaken. I would see to it she has what she needs for the child and that she continue school and finish high school, but after school and weekends, she will be a mom full time to that child. I did not make the child and so I don’t see why my freedom should be impacted by her poor choices. I waited to have my children when I was a grown woman, living out of my family home and already married.
Her choice to be an unwed parent. Its not an accident like she slipped on a bannana peel because she didn’t expect it to be on the floor.
You don’t go oops, my drawers dropped, my legs split open and a P——fell in. Most teens are fully aware that it only takes one time to get pregnant. Schools every where have some form of sex ed for kids as young as 12 years of age.
I made it perfectly clear to both of my children that before they ever engage in any sex that they wait till they are both self sufficent because I may help with the cost but the proper care of the child will fall upon them as parents.
The talk must’ve worked. They are both self sufficient grown adults and I am still not a grandmother. :D

I have a very good friend who got pregnant at 19. She’s 22 now and she looks about 17 now, let alone 3 years ago. People would give her such dirty looks. However, she had the best response to those who showed disapproval. She would say in an exaggerated voice “Did you want to get me an abortion?” That usually shut people up pretty well.

@JLeslie: I understand that you were just putting some parameters on your question, but I think a lot of people have the idea that a “good girl” who gets pregnant is much more forgivable and deserves more help than a “troublemaker” who “had it coming.” The way I see it, if someone has a baby unintentionally, whatever kind of person she is, the baby shouldn’t be treated badly because of his/her mother’s “mistake.” Treating the mother badly will have adverse effects on the child.

Actually, the friend I mentioned above and I have discussed at great length adoption and abortion. We both agree I feel that as a mother herself, she is much more qualified to discuss than I that adoption would not be an option for us. If you carry a baby to term, it would be awful and painful to give it up. An abortion may also be awful and painful, but there is quite a difference in the emotional and life impact of a baby that is never born, and a baby that one gives up.

To answer the question, my mother and I have discussed this at great length. She said that if I ever got pregnant unintentionally, she would encourage me to have the baby and have a large hand in raising it with me.

Yeah, I have the best mom.

@KatawaGrey I think you make a good point that a good girl might be more forgiveable to some people. That was not exactly in my thought process when I set those parameters, but in a sense it ties in.

Been there, done that.

Wife and I raised two grandchildren.

What else can i say?

I can only give @Pandora one lurve for being so concise and non offensive.

@Neizvestnaya :D, I try.