[Fiction question] Can you help me think of a really bitchy remark? It has to be an insult disguised as a compliment.

“Wow, this is really nice for maid’s quarters!”

You will have a lot of fun redecorating this!

You’ve got such a beautiful house (pause) for a (whatever they are).

It’s a lot nicer on the inside.
At least you don’t have much to clean.
or…
It’s so cozy for this neighborhood.

Vintage 90s is so cutting edge!

Wow, what a really nice place. You could start a whole new art movement and call it noveau cheap. Or maybe Faux pas n’est chic. No wait , I know! How ‘bout beer barrell bourgeoise?

You fill this all up on your budget?

Subtlety, guys, subtlety. It has to sound like a compliment. Like the time my mother-in-law sized up my $110 professional color and cut and said, “You hair looks really nice. Did you do that yourself?”

Looks good…... Have you thought about speaking to an interior designer?

<name a> stepped in and surveyed the room, her distaste thinly disguised behind her “I am being such a good friend” smile. She could feel the utter ordinariness of her surroundings tugging at the corners of her mouth, trying to betray her true feelings. Taking a deep breath, she cranked her grin up a few more kilowatts and exclaimed, “Oh <name b>! This place is so . . . cute!”

It was only the tiniest of pauses but <name b> felt every bit of what was lurking in that unspoken space begin to nibble it’s way into her good mood. She had a feeling it might make itself at home there for awhile.

“Aw, how quaint! ...I can leave my shoes on, right?”

“This must have been beautiful when it was first built.”

“Wow, this isn’t at all what I imagined it’d look like!”

Wow, it’s all so…retro. Is this real vinyl?

nice place, the credit interest must be driving you crazy.

Ooo, nice. You’re really brave to combine these colors like this.
(I almost expect to see an oompa loompa run through here!)
I would have never thought to combine brown plaid furniture with..is that avacado? green carpet.

Such a nice room. I can really see what you were trying to do.

Nice furniture. Kmart, right?

Holy Cow! I love the Goodwill too!!

How adorable! I just love how it looks like someone actually lives here.

Oh, you didn’t have to try to clean up for me!

This is beautiful. May I see the rest?

Wow, your house looks really… comfortable. My mom never lets our house get this lived-in look.

What’s that smell? Did you step in something? I smelled it outside, but it’s worse in here. Oh, yeah, this looks… um… nice.

These colors are really striking. I’m not surprised that you chose them; the drapes look like your prom dress.

“Oh wow, [something about the room] usually looks so awful but you’ve made it… kind of interesting.”

Or, she lets the insult fly unintentionally and then regroups: “Oh my god, is that really one of those recliner couches from Target? [giggles, then the light goes on] Uh – but it looks so much better when it’s with matching furniture.”

I love how… humble your home is, it fits you perfectly.

You watch Candace Olson’s design show, don’t you? You almost manage to duplicate her style!

Nice, nice, it works. Kind of a cross between Addams Family and A Clockwork Orange. And I love Kinkaid and rococo wall sconces. Absoultely anything from Home Interiors gets my vote.

I hadn’t seen the part about it being memorable. Here’s something from real life that might help.

In my junior year of high school I was invited with 50 or so other high school juniors thinking of applying to a particular technical / engineering college to attend a one-week summer session where we could get a feel for the school, the curriculum and campus. We lived in dorm rooms for the week and ate in the school cafeteria.

Being young and away from home for the first time with little adult supervision all day (part of the freedom that they wanted us to get used to) one day at lunch we had a very small insignificant, really food fight. My one act of participation in the food fight (you have my word on this) was to remove a single tomato slice from my hamburger and fling it like a frisbee at a kid who saw it coming and ducked. The whole insurrection stopped almost immediately, but I noticed that my tomato slice had hit one of the drapes to one of the cafeteria windows… and stuck there.

It was almost un-noticeable because of the vivid colors and garish floral pattern of the drapes. But since I had tossed the thing and had seen it land, I could see it plain enough. I said nothing to anyone. The week passed, and we all went home.

A year and some months later I attended the college as an incoming freshman. The now blackened and withered tomato slice—the very one that I had thrown across the room more than a year earlier—was now almost a part of the drapery, stuck as tight as grim death (a really apt simile, if you could have seen that petrified tomato slice—and those really horrid drapes). The tomato lasted as long as I did at the college, three full years.

All that by way of setting up:

Wow! I remember that stain in your rug!

“It’s nice how you don’t care what other people think of your home. I wish I didn’t either.”

We’re gonna get to read this, right? :)

“It’s a unique color, cute even.”

So is this the loaner furniture until your stuff gets here from shipping?

Your mom is really unafraid to take risks, isn’t she? Like that furniture, for example. That’s risky.

” I love how the mismatched furniture makes this house feel more homely”.

“Your dad did a good job of decorating your house. Really durable, big furniture. Does his color-blindness cause many problems?”

Mmmmm. What smells good? It reminds me of those fishsticks I used to get in the cafeteria in elementary school. All the other kids used to complain about them and said they smelled too fishy, but I loved them.

Those drapes are like so pretty. My grandma used to make all of her own clothes and she had this dress when I was really little that looked almost exactly like that. So I guess they’re kind of retro? Or does retro only apply to the 50’s? ‘Cause my grandma made that dress in the 70’s but I don’t know if they consider that retro or not, or just kind of like, you know, old fashioned.

You are so lucky! Is that a ficus or a philadendron? I always get those two things mixed up. My mom would never let me bring anything with dirt into the house. I guess you never had that problem ‘cause you’ve got all these neat plants. It’s like an indoor farm.

You guys are something. [Memo to self: Never invite these people over.] I got some ideas here that could keep me supplied for a while. Thanks!

So—does this work or not? Please tell me. (This is derived from two or three of your suggestions.)

She paused dramatically upon entering, surveyed the living room and what she could see of the dining room, kitchen, and hall, and let out a whoosh of air as though she had just survived a tense moment. “Wow, I really admire folks who are brave enough to let their personality show like this.”

@Jeruba: As a friend of mine once said, “You got torched so bad I can see your bones!”

@judochop nice place, the credit interest must be driving you crazy. That intrigues me.

@Jeruba Yes. It works for me.

Like wow, this like totally feels like my Dad’s shed. Awesome!

“I can see that you guys tried really hard to make something of this place.”

I’m having way too much fun in this thread. I may be revisiting for awhile.

“Oh my God! I saw one of those couches in an S&H Green Stamps catalog once! I’ve never actually seen one, though.”

@Jeruba it sounds a bit grown-up, but the sentiment works. I don’t think a snarky princess would use the words “folks” or “brave enough”. I wonder if the snark would be more clear if the interaction was more observational on the mother’s part? For example, mom is doing some sort of task when the teens walk in and her child is chatting on while mom notices princess’s reaction (maybe consider a reaction that reflects how ’princessy’ the princess is.):

“While my child went on and on about xyz princess looked like she had just received plastic Payless Penny Loafers for Christmas instead of Jimmy Choos. As my daughter pauses to take a breath princess uses her two pinchy fingers to pick up and drop my embroidered throw pillow stating ‘look at all this personality.’” or whatever phrase you pick.

The thing about a princess is that she isn’t trying to be snarky, she is simply so self-absorbed bitchy happens, think mean girls.

@liminal, thanks for your close examination and report, and especially the point about not trying to be bitchy. I’ll have to think about that. Changing the words might be more than I’m up to, unless you give me a hand. I was never like that, my friends were never like that, my sons’ girlfriends were not like that, and I don’t know any such girls at all or how they talk. I don’t even watch any television, where I imagine they must be portrayed from time to time.

One thing I should have made clear is that the house, furniture, and decor of the woman’s home are not tacky at all, but very nice, decent quality, tasteful, attractive. No vinyl. No Goodwill. No putrid smells. It’s just that Miss Princess is above it all and would put it down no matter what, unless she was plainly outclassed, in which case she would have been (I think) full of gushing admiration.

But the incident has to be very small and short. The princess is not a significant character. Rather, I am trying to establish just enough of a history to show how my main character is feeling when the chance falls in her lap to take secret revenge on the mother of this girl, who was guilty of similar affronts of her own back at that time.

Oh, well it’s simple, then. Just a very simple and flat, “Oh, this is… nice.” The trick would be capturing the tone of voice, the raised eyebrow and the pause that all work together to indicate that it surely is not ‘nice’ in her eyes, but she’s trying very hard to be ‘nice’ herself (and knows that she’s coming up short).

She entered and distractedly gave the interior a single dismissive glance that encompassed the living room and sections of the dining room, the kitchen, and the connecting hallway. In no more time than it took to say it, she shook her head slightly and rendered her verdict with an evident lack of conviction, “Oh, this is… um… nice. Yeah.” Then with no more thought than she would have for a bus stop, she…

It helps if there has been some buildup by one of the other characters to orient her ahead of time to how nice the place really is, at least in that other character’s eyes.

Wow, an upholstered toilet cool.