What the hell happened/ what do I do?

I’m sorry for your loss. That should have been first on my response. Take a deep breath and think it through. You can’t change the situation, so help each other get their stuff together and deal with it.
If you want to vent pm me.

Sorry for your loss. I think that sometimes people forget that others might be curious to know what really happened, but that gets all wrapped up in shock and grief and it doesn’t occur to us to do the most basic things.
Can you, or someone else close in your family, call someone that would know what happened.. and just ask? If it is family and you are all on good terms, I don’t see why you can’t just call someone and say “we’re all so shocked by this news, what happened?”
I’m assuming you won’t be attending the funeral, since you’re not local?
Also, is part of the problem that they seemed to wait until the very last minute to even contact you about the loss? I would address that, gently.. but at least ask why. Even if there was bad blood, there is really no reason to not promptly inform family and friends of a loved ones passing.

@noelleptc well it sounds like an unfortunate situation all around. Mental illness is something that far too many people want to ignore in a loved one, rather than to do something to help.

Is the son the only family in that region that would have known about the passing before you heard?

Yes, nothing you can do until the timing is right to find out more of the details.

Of course it is sad and shocking but all you and your family can do is take it one moment at a time as the initial chaos subsides. The best to you and yours. :-)

I’m so sorry to hear the sad news. There seems to be a handful of relatives in the area. So is there a level-headed relative close by them all that you can call to ask?

I’m picking up – rightly or wrongly – that you think their may have been some foul play?

sounds very very upsetting and tragic. :(

Oh – that is very odd then. Ia m so sorry this has happened. What a shock. (Maybe someone can call the funeral home to find out what the cause of death was.)

I’m very sorry to hear about your loss.

I don’t know how to explain your relative’s behaviour, but I would like to share a similar story in the hope that it might offer you a little bit of comfort.

My maternal grandparents passed away 10 years ago. Gramps had Alzheimer’s and Nanny was his caregiver; as far as we knew, she was healthy. They lived about an hour’s drive from my hometown, and my mom would go there once a week to help out around the house, take them shopping, to appointments, etc. They also talked on the phone every few days.
One day, about 3 or 4 days after my mom had made her weekly visit, she got a phone call from Gramps. He seemed very confused and said he didn’t know where Lillian (Nanny) was. My mom quickly realized that he hadn’t taken his meds that day, and possibly not for a couple of days. She hopped in the car and drove there as fast as she could.
When she arrived, she found the kitchen a mess, with spilled food on the counter and the old-fashioned coffee percolator smashed on the stove. After looking around the house, she found her mom conscious but unable to move on the spare bedroom floor, in a place where Gramps wouldn’t have seen her if he had just peeked in the door.
It turned out that Nanny had had a stroke two or three days before, and Gramps had been trying to take care of himself but forgot to take his meds and therefore was just confused and didn’t know what to do. They were both hospitalized; Gramps was put in the same room mostly because my mom couldn’t stay and take care of him 24/7, having responsibilities at home.
To make a very long story a little less long, they were in hospital for about 3 weeks. Nanny got better, Gramps got better. Nanny got pneumonia, Gramps got pneumonia. She improved, he improved. Eventually, Nanny passed away early on a Saturday morning. We planned the visitation at the funeral home for Sunday evening. My dad went to visit Gramps in the hospital on Sunday afternoon, and in a moment of lucidity (he had been in and out of it this whole time), Gramps asked my dad, “Is Lillian gone?” When my dad said yes, Gramps said, matter-of-factly, “Well, I can’t live without her.”
Later that evening we got a call from the hospital while we were at the visitation. Gramps had passed away, almost exactly 36 hours after Nanny; about 6 hours after he discovered that the love of his life was gone.

I’m not one to believe in the supernatural or anything like that, but sometimes there’s more going on that what we can see. Love knows no bounds. I’m convinced that Nanny was calling to him, and that he was just running a little late, as usual.

I apologize for the long post, and for it being slightly off-topic. I just wanted to share.
I do hope that everything works out for your family; my thoughts are with you.

This is terrible and you have my condolences. Not that they’ll get it, necessarily, but the son really does owe an explanation and apology to the rest of the family. As your aunt rightly noted, that was her brother, not just his dad. I hope he does the right thing.

How sad. My condolences. You may be able to google for details by the names and the town in which they lived. Local paper might have a bit of info if you know the name of it. It’s very difficult to have a family tragedy like this and not be able to be a close support to the immediate family members.

So sorry for your loss and I hope you find peace quickly during this most difficult time.

I am sorry for your loss and hope you find out what you need as soon as possible x hugs x

It’s difficult to explain the spiral spin downward that takes place when a loved one, not to mention two, die(s) suddenly. Some people crumple and have no ability to think rationally. A co-worker found out several years later that her father had passed away, and while a relative was aware of it, didn’t want to burden her with the fact because they had an estranged relationship.

All that can be done at this point is to step up to the plate and comfort your mom. It’s weird being on the flip side of the comforting zone, but welcome to another step into adulthood. You are a strong woman and can pull it off.

@noelleptc For a minor fee, you can contact the Bureau of Vital Statistics in the state where they live and request death certificates if you have any reason to doubt the accuracy of what your cousin is sharing with your family.

hope everything turns out ok for you, stay strong

How old’s your cousin? Dealing with the death of two parents, with all that commotion, and perhaps guilt of not doing more to help his parents out can cause people to shut down.

@noelleptc, I am so sorry for two deaths of loved ones! I will pray for you (if you’d let me) and wish you well. More hugs

I’m so sorry that this devastating situation for your family has become worse because of your cousin’s disconnectedness from his family. It sounds like he was not close to anyone in his own family, which is unfortunate. Perhaps there were circumstances in his childhood that no one in the family has knowledge about?

There’s something more going on here. Apparently, your cousin has lied as well as having neglected to tell your family about his parents’ passing… I wonder whether he has some kind of mental issue.

As @Pied_Pfeffer said, there’s no telling how these things will affect some people. A (sort of) similar situation happened with my dad’s sister when my paternal grandmother was in hospital during her last weeks. I hope your family is able to pull through this.

I am sorry to hear about your loss, not having a good understanding of what is going on can only make it harder. Based on the limited information you have given I wouldn’t be surprised if your cousin has developed some “unique” personality traits that leave him having a hard time relating to the world and with people.