NSFW: Why is it so much easier for me to orgasm when I masturbate than it is when I have sex with my boyfriend?

First, it’s definitely not uncommon for women to orgasm easier through clitoral stimulation than through intercourse. I find that if I try to have both forms of stimulation at the same time, and with a partner present, it’s almost like there’s too much going on at once. My solution has been to have one, followed by the other, focusing solely on orgasm either before or after intercourse. You do have to be completely comfortable with your partner, though. And yourself, of course.

Ah yes. I’m in a similar spot – it’s frustrating. As @augustlan said, the problem may be too much stimulation. I find it hard to get a good rhythm if there is penetration. Besides, during masturbation, it’s easier to get the best angle, isn’t it?

So, you’re not crazy. Or maybe I am too?

It doesn’t hurt to express these worries to your partner, either. It’d benefit both of you to find a solution, as it will save you both time and energy.

I think this actually depends on why and how you masturbate. If you masturbate “just to get the job done” whether you know it or not, you have probably developed a method subconsciously that is efficient enough to get you off quickly without a lot of fuss. Basically, your body has gotten so used to your masturbation routine that you get off without a hitch. When you have actual sex, the experience is different and your body gets confused, you get nervous or distracted or whatever, and it takes longer.

I say this because I went through a similar situation. I’m at the point now where I’m literally a minute man when I masturbate. When I was with my last girlfriend, who happened to be my first sex partner, I would go for 1 hour+ which was pretty frustrating for me. It’s because it was a totally different sensation, and I blame it on my body and mind being confused, and it seems like you may be having the same problem.

@augustlan is also correct. If you aren’t able to conquer this on your own, you may want to at least talk to your partner, or better yet, a doctor to see if you can figure out the real root of the issue. Trust me… you aren’t alone.

Maybe you orgasm better because your thoughts are more radical than you and your boyfriend are in the bed. Maybe you think of positions, and certain things that he hasn’t done yet. Or maybe due to you feeling more comfortable masturbating alone than with other people around, you’ve grown more used to that, than actual sex. I don’t think its a problem. Just something you have to adapt to more.

I should clarify: When I orgasm during sex it’s because I’m also stimulating myself manually. And, at the same time, I can only get comfortable enough to do so when we’re in boring old missionary position. I feel like if I tried to orgasm in any other position it would take a millenium.

The thing is, I never really minded not being able to orgasm during sex. An orgasm after is just as good…sort of. The feeling of an orgasm PLUS a penis is another level. I like it. I think it’s unrealistic ideas people have of sex that cause the problems. At least I think it is for me.

I have expressed these issues to my boyfriend….it’s just that neither of us really know what to do about them. He’s really patient and will go as long as it takes for me to orgasm, but honestly after a few minutes of the same thing “wait, stop for a minute. ok. now go slow” it’s like WHAT IS THE POINT. IT’S LIKE WORK. i should just do it afterwords, i don’t know why i feel guilty about not being able to during.

you’ve all been super helpful thus far. thank you.

@biggianthead, I think it’s unrealistic ideas people have of sex that cause the problems. At least I think it is for me.

There’s your problem. A shrink might be necessary to help you address that. Or not. It’s up to you.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard i don’t think one is necessary because i have identified the problem, i think anyhow, and am going to make a conscious effort to do what i am comfortable with. and if that is not orgasming during sex than that is fine with me, at least i won’t have to stress out anymore. no one should have to stress out over orgasms!

@biggianthead Try taking care of yourself before sex, with him just holding you, or putting his hand (or finger) somewhere helpful, but you doing the main job. Then, just as you climax, have him penetrate you. It’s kind of fantastic.

You need to be more like a guy, just get yours and go have a beer and a shower. No seriously though, you may just not be compatible, physically your bodies just don’t mesh and become one so you can both cum together. You need to have him shave his balls. Also, if you got yourself a Rabbit, just be like a 1950’s housewife and get yourself off on your own time.

First off, you’re not crazy.

Many women have trouble with orgasms, but the fact that you do masturbate and can orgasm on your own is a good sign.

Now you say you get distracted, do you mean, self-conscious? Also, focusing on climaxing can be an issue. Maybe try having sex and trying not to think about or worry about having an orgasm.

Don’t worry about how long it takes, at all… even if he’s going down on you. It’s ok. It isn’t your responsibility to orgasm, nor is it solely his.

It seems that your fears or worries about this, is making it a problem. You’ll figure this out. Don’t over think this. I’m pretty sure this is very common. Focus on enjoying yourself, try not to work towards an end goal, and also try @augustlan & others advice.

Work on being comfortable. Don’t worry about how long you take or if you do at all. You don’t owe it to your boyfriend to orgasm, maybe you owe it to yourself but don’t be too disappointed ok?

Feel free to control the pace girl, it’s totally ok. And don’t feel guilty. This is your pleasure we are talking about ok?

Seriously, I should have a theme song by now, considering how many times i stick my nose in other people’s sex lives…

Ok, first point: When you masturbate, do you stimulate only the clitoris or both the clitoris and inside?
Two: How long have you been with your boyfriend? Was he a virgin when he met you? Were you a virgin when you met him? Was your upbringing strict when it comes to sex (i’m assuming not since you’ve no problem with masturbation, but it’s better to be sure)?
Three: What positions have you tried? (there are several positions that increase clitoral stimulation, and even just shifting a few cms in one direction, or holding you in some particular way, can make a hell of a difference).

Advice I can give right off the bat: part of the problem is that you focus on having an orgasm. It’s as if I told you not to think of the elephant, you’d think of it constantly. You’re trying to force yourself, which takes you away from the action itself. Enjoy sex, regardless of orgasming, enjoy the intimacy and the sensations that he makes you (and you make him) feel and you’ll find it’s much easier to relax and maybe even orgasm. Performance anxiety and sex don’t mix, at all.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard & No shrinks necessary! Seriously! Unrealistic ideas are very very “normal.”

@biggianthead You’ll be fine. Just don’t stress. :)

@Thammuz i wasn’t a virgin and neither was he. we’ve been together a little over a year. we have sex in a lot of different positions, but when it comes to me having an orgasm, i can only have it in missionary because my body is the most relaxed. i feel like i could never have one on top, a. because i cant really touch down there as well and b. if i’m not fairly still it’ll never happen.

you’re right, it’s the thinking about it that is the problem, i just have been trying to quit thinking about the end goal for 6 months now and i’m finding it way easier said than done.

@everephebe, Unrealistic ideas are very very “normal.”

True, but they can often be frustrating, or even damaging.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard

True but paying some quack $100 an hour to tell you that is just as damaging. Besides Fluther is FREE! :)

@biggianthead just don’t moby dick this orgasm hunt. Remember sex is supposed to be fun not work at an end result. Unlike (most) men you (as a woman) can orgasm anytime, anywhere without any physical stimulation, it’s all in your mind! Don’t over think.

@biggianthead never say never, my GF thought the same thing about being on top, now she orgasms about two times before I do when she goes on top. Also: you can relax in any position, it’s just a matter of finding how.

Also remember that if you’ve already had other experiences you can learn from them. try to remember if this issue has always been there with your current boyfriend but not with others, or if it was there with the previous one(s) too, or if it wasn’t present with your current one up to a certain point, etc. Extablishing a causal agent generally helps understanding and takling the problem.

You haven’t answered my question about masturbation, which is important because your internal sensibility can be “trained”, so to speak, at least to some extent, making it easier to get pleasure from penetration.

Keep your mind focused??? Sex isn’t chess. Relax.

Quite simply, you know exactly what you want and what turns you on, and masturbation fulfills those fantasies and desires “first-hand” (pardon the pun).

@biggianthead “I don’t know why i feel guilty about not being able to during.”

Men generally want their partners to orgasm, so you are probably feeling guilty at being unable to allow your boyfriend the pleasure (and ego-boost) of ‘giving’ you an orgasm.

G-Spot stimulation can help a woman have vaginal orgasms. Get your BF to have a go…

Masturbation is a closed feedback loop. You can make immediate corrections when you need to. Sex with another person requires high levels of awareness and some sure-fire method of monitoring feedback in order to reach orgasm. I recommend the arm-squeeze, among other things… grip your partner’s arm or shoulder and increase the pressure of your squeeze as you approach orgasm. It takes a bit of practice, but both parties soon become proficient since the rewards are so great. : )

you are thinking about it too much and entering a negative cycle even before you have sex you have an expectation of this happening then when it does it backs up your anxiety leading to more anxiety. Its a vicious cycle you need to break.

Instead of feeling like you have to just let what happens happen and enjoy it for taking longer. be careful what you tell your partner if you put pressure on him it wont help.

try something different with him

Probably because he doesn’t know what the primary purpose if his tongue is for (no, swallowing food is NOT the primary purpose :-p