@RealEyesRealizeRealLies Why are we two of the few who see it this way? I’ve never been in jail (that I know of), and, while I have driven drunk (back before MADD was even thought of and no one thought anything of work-sponsored drunkenness), I never was caught. Young men do things that they wouldn’t do while older. They get in trouble more. They have poorer judgment.
If you shame him for what he’s done, he’ll only hide it more. Believe me. I know a lot about shame and hiding things. If I didn’t feel all this shame, I probably wouldn’t be on fluther, the only place I feel safe talking about a lot of it. But the first time I talked about being unfaithful, I was expecting to be totally torn up and buried for it, because that’s the way most people who do such things seem to get treated around here. I still don’t know why I wasn’t. Maybe it’s easier to condemn people in absentia than it is to their faces.
We do not know this young man’s story. We do not know why he was drinking when he had the accident, or whatever it was. In my case, I was drinking because I was at “bar night,” a nearly mandatory event each week, that was designed to promote team building. I was responsible for the car. I knew I wasn’t in good shape and I asked my boss if someone else could drive and was told not to worry about it. This was in NYC, with the traffic they have there.
I had about six people in the car. At one point, driving through the Village, I found myself in the wrong lane with a cop in a car next to me. The road had turned from one-way to two-way without me noticing. I was scared to death he’d have me take a sobriety test, but he just told me to get in the right lane and be more careful.
Once, I was speeding down the roadway at 90 mph because I wanted to see how fast my car could go. It was night, and the road was always deserted, so I didn’t feel there would be a problem. Of course, just as I crested a blind hill, there was a state police car heading the other way. I saw him turn around, and I went careening around a bunch of roads and corners until I spun out facing back the way I came, with my engine stalled.
I frantically tried to restart the car. Just before the cop came, I got it started and back into my lane driving up the hill past him. I saw him hesitate and keep on going. I was totally shaking with the adrenaline rush. Now, I drive like an old man. My kids yell at me to go faster.
I bet almost every guy here could tell a few stories like that, or more than a few such stories. About more dangerous activities, too. I’ll bet a significant number of the women have stories to tell, too.
We grow. We change. We stop taking such risks. We might even become more introspective.
There’s a story behind every event, and we don’t know the story here. It may be a sign of character issues and it may not. He may have learned a lesson and he may not have. He is clearly ashamed, and the more shamed he is, the more he will hide his past, and the more likely it becomes that some future woman will suffer much more because of what he has hidden.
Shame is a terrible thing. It isn’t a very good way of reforming people. It tends to push things underground rather than reforming people. It is the first thing that 12-step groups try to teach: you have no control over your addiction. Right or wrong, it clearly follows a philosophy that shame is an important part of the problem.
It is far too soon to be talking about those dreaded “red flags” that everyone is so fond of waving. Take note. Pay attention. But this is a real person, and as I keep on saying, we don’t know his story.