How would you initiate conversation is situations where it's hard for you to do?
I don’t know how many times I’ve advised someone that, to solve the problem they are having, they should start by trying to communicate with their SO. Probably hundreds. Sometimes I take the next step and suggest counseling, as well. I know that can work to open up communication.
In my case, the issue was sex, and I was afraid my wife would leave me if I told her what I wanted. Or I would leave her if she didn’t make some accommodation. We took it up with a counselor, and that was very helpful, and I don’t know if we could have done it without that kind of help.
So in a situation where the help of a third party is not an option, how do you get over your fears in order to open up? What can we tell people that is realistic and helpful? “Just do it,” doesn’t work. It just makes people feel bad when they can’t do it. People could be afraid of anger or violence or emotional violence. How can they cope with these things if they don’t have any help, and their partner is resisting?
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I start with body language, which usually manifests as a funny lil’ dance (sometimes mistaken for a siezure), which causes her to ask, What was that all about? And we’ll take it from there.
If that doesn’t work, then praise, compliments, and reimforcement usually get me where I want to be.
Opening communication is not instantaneous. Lost trust takes time to reform. Maybe you should start with less controversial/heated topics. Show your partner that you are willing to compromise and that you are not going to drag their feelings through the mud at some other time about something else (so no teasing, or worse, about the topics later). After you establish a routine for talking about sensitive topics and develop trust (again, i assume you had some earlier in the relationship) approach this most sensitive topic. Good luck.
perhaps when you need to talk, you could start by writing down your thoughts to yourself…and when you want to initiate a conversation, you can own it by saying you need to share some feelings.
answering this is helping me, I do not do this well,
Maybe you could find some related subjects to your issue?And show them to your wife,ask her how she thinks about them?
I think it is very difficult to apply a couple phrases to everybody in general. It depends on the person and the situation.
Trust is a huge factor. If you are trying to get someone to open up ..or trying to bring yourself to open up.. body language, environment and tone are important. Again, this is situational (ex: you don’t want to tell someone to bring up the issue of physical abuse to their physically abusive partner ..that would be dangerous).
For me, I have found writing out what I want to share really helps. Sometimes I’ve even read that material, out loud, to the person I’m wanting to talk with. I’ve also given my written material to the person to read themselves. I’m not great at verbal communication ..so I’ve used this method alot.
I tell myself, and others, if it is someone you trust ..then you must trust that they will not high tail it out the door. They deserve a chance to hear what you need to say ..and to respectfully respond. Most times, that person will be glad you told them ..even if it’s difficult at first.
It also helps to write out the pros and cons of bringing something out in the open. The worst and best possible outcomes. And to evaluate them afterward.
I hope some of that helps ..For now, it’s all I can think up on 3 hours of sleep lol.
It took me over 12 years to find the courage to tell my SO about being transsexual. In the absence of professional counselling or support, I finally did it because of the support of two very special friends.
My partner is not good at listening so I wrote it all out and gave it to him to read.
When in doubt: start disregarding risks ;)
They would have to eventually “just do it” or lose out.I am all for being straightforward.One must get over their fears or live with the consequences of being too afraid to say anything.It’s that simple.
As for fear of physical violence,not saying anything could be just self-preservation.
i want to title your avatar “Spit it out or else!”
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