Parents: did you let your teens have complete access to their money or were you a gatekeeper?

My parents let me figure it out myself. I don’t think that was the best way because I never got the saving habit until much later.

What kind of account do you think is good for a teen? My daughter keeps cash in her room and spends it. I want her to start saving, but we just haven’t gotten around to getting to a bank with her. It’s a time thing.

I think I would make him save.

I say allow him access to HIS money!

You cannot control his life lessons, and, he worked for that money, he has a right to access it as he sees fit, come what may.

I wouldn’t focus so much on the negatives, I would focus on his generosity and champion him wanting to give gifts.

I always allowed my daughter to spend HER money as she saw fit.

She is now just turned 23 last week and lives with her boyfriend and a room mate this last 2 years.

She has savings and she is also generous. A winning combo!

You must remember that YOUR beliefs about money are YOURS, and you cannot expect others to follow them.

I took 2 years off to go on my personal, spiritual ‘journey’ from 05–07.

Spent about 100k of my savings, traveled some, moved to a new home, redecorated, allowed myself to do whatever I wanted.

Some of my friends were HORRIFIED, most supported me.

The real lesson your son needs to learn is to not allow others opinions to influence him and to NEVER live under the miserable shadow of gaining ‘approval’ from others.

It’s time to let baby bird test his wings.

As long as he is aware that he is making a choice, for better or for worse, I say let him spend away!

He has a bank account that he doesn’t have access to. Well, he sort of has access to it but he needs his father or I to sign off on withdraws.

I would allow him to spend it and learn the lessons he has too. If you keep it from him you will only cause him to feel like he was wronged because he earned the money and it is his. This may cause more harm than allowing him to learn by trial and error. It sounds like you have taught him very well and now you need to trust that you have and allow him his freedom. I have always felt that we teach our children correct principles and then they govern themselves.

If he can’t spend the money he earns, what’s the incentive for him to work? I would be worried about him not learning proper work ethics. Plus, by keeping it from him, you aren’t teaching him how to save, you’re teaching him how you save.

He has already taken half the money he earned and spent it. He wanted to save this money for when he moves out. So do I help him achieve the goals he set for himself a few months ago? These are goals that I know he still holds dear. Or, enable him to give in to what he wants to do in this moment?

Honestly, his father and I are leaning towards holding him to his original goals.

I was raised in a much different manner than my husband. I earned money from the time I was 8. I had a bank account once that I had put a bit of money in. My parents ran into financial and emptied it out. I didn’t have good role models for saving. My husband on the other hand had parents who put money to one side for him and then he had access to it when he turned 19.

You say he is 15 how is he going to move out at this age? Anyway I still think if you control his actions now it may cause more damage than to allow him to learn for himself.

@tranquilsea But if I’m reading you correctly, they emptied it out for them to spend, not you to spend. That’s really different than if they had emptied it for you to spend.

My parents didn’t have me save any of my money. I babysat my ass off so that I could buy what I wanted, and learned to save so that I could buy that nice shirt in a couple weeks rather than that pair of earrings now. If I spent it all at once, I’d pay the price later. Learning to save isn’t just about getting in the habit of putting money in a bank, it’s about finding out how much it sucks when you’ve just pissed away a bunch of money and then really need some.

You can help him achieve his original goal – but then it won’t be him achieving it, it’ll be you achieving his original goal. Maybe next time, you can set up two accounts – one for “saving” and one that he absolutely can’t access until he’s 18. Then he’ll really think through every penny he puts in that account.

By preventing him from making mistakes now, you aren’t making sure that he won’t make those mistakes, only that he’ll make them later when it counts more and is harder to fix. Let him make mistakes now while he still has you as a safety net.

@papayalily This money isn’t in his bank account. He’s spent all the money he wanted in that account. This money is tied in investments via a separate account that he wanted us to set up for him. He had discussions with us that this money was for his goals of moving out and that we would block him if he tried to access it. At the time he wanted that. His plans are excellent ones: he is saving to put a down payment on a condo.

I’ve seen family members piss away money like crazy and every one of them wishes that they had had someone to help them be more disciplined. They went through really hard times because they were not disciplined with their spending.

I am ready to be the bad guy here. Because this is what he wanted when we set this investment up for him.

@tranquilsea Yeah, I’m just not sure this “bad guy” is really “tough love guy” so much as “ineffective parent guy”.
I’m sorry to hear about your family members. But the truth of the matter is that no one can help them be disciplined – it’s something that comes from within. You can help your son create that internal force, but just being an external force of discipline isn’t going to stick.

@papayalily LOL Thanks for calling me an ineffective parent. I am trying to consider both sides of this issue…if that makes me ineffective so be it.

So many parenting choices are shots in the dark. You make the best decisions you can and, yes, those decisions are not always effective given all the variables. But many of them are.

@tranquilsea Sorry, I just wasn’t sure how to say that nicer while still making my point. I’m not trying to say you’re a bad parent. On the other hand, when you ask what to do, you are asking if one choice will make you an ineffective/bad/whatever parent. But it’s just one issue, so it’s not like it defines your entire parental role (assuming you aren’t just entering your son’s life, and other than that time you took him to Dairy Queen, this actually is the only thing you’ve done as his parent…)

@papayalily I understand and I didn’t take it badly.

Honestly, as a parental unit I come down on giving him wholesale access to his cash more than my hubby does. I knew we would come to this point when those investments were set up for him.

I’ve already managed to get him to reconsider spending $800 on Christmas presents. He’s brought that total down to $400. This is on top of spending $600 on souvenirs for his friends on our trip.

He is a spending maniac right now.

@tranquilsea

If you set up the account with an understanding that you would keep that for him until it was time for him to move out then I would hold your ground and keep him to his word. I didn’t understand that you and him had made the decission earlier to keep that money apart and that you were supposed to keep him out of it. He can learn also that when he agrees to something that is his word and he should keep his word.

@Summum I am having a hard time with this one. He did earn that money and it is his. But I know what he really wants to do with it. Moving out in a responsible way is his goal. At 15 he lacks the ability to see more than a week into his future. He has crystal clear times when he plans very well hence the investment.

Will he be upset if we hold him to his original agreement? Yes. But he would probably be more upset to blow this money and put himself years behind his goal.

When I spent too much on friends, it wasn’t actually a money thing so much as an unhealthy relationship thing – I put too much stock into each relationship and had very hot/cold relationships. So I wanted to spend like we were celebrating a 20th anniversary, because I felt that way. So maybe make sure that it’s about money and not something else?

@papayalily I agree with you and I’ve tried to talk to him about this. He has mentioned several times that gift giving gives makes him feel great. I think that is wonderful that he is a thoughtful giving guy.

But there is giving and then there is giving. He is giving right now.

When I try to explain exactly how most adults I know treat gift giving and friends he pooh poohs me and calls me stingy. I know that it has nothing to do with stingy.

I feel like he is setting himself up as a target. The guy with a lot of cash who is more than willing to hand it out.

@tranquilsea

Yes I know your thoughts because I have been there. I think you may want to look at the lessons learned (1 to keep him to his word, (2 Let him blow his money and then he doesn’t reach his goals. Which would be the greater worth to him as a young man. IMO it would be that when he gives his word then he should stick to it. I have no problem with him spending his money but he made an agreement and therefore the investments.

If you force him to save, he is not learning to save and the consequences of spending his savings. If you allow him to spend the money he has in savings, he will realize that if he wants to have x amount of money saved by a certain date, he may have to put more in savings than he has in the past to make up for spending the extra money. That is an important lesson to learn. Learning how to replace your savings after you spent it is good.

I say let him spend it and then nicely point out that now he is behind in making his goal and that he’ll have to put extra in savings later. As far as what he deems appropriate to give his friends for Christmas, why does it bother you that he wants to spend money on his friends? Just because you may not spend that amount on your friends doesn’t mean it is right or wrong for him to do so. He should do what he feels comfortable with.

He’s 15, he’s not going to be moving out next week. He will have time to earn more money and put more in savings.

My lovely eldest daughter helped us live when she was first working when we were so broke.

When this happened to me, as it has several times, I let the child choose; “Do you want me to help you meet your goals and keep the money? or “Do you want to back down about savings and spend it all?”

Then make sure you do not pick up the slack. “Sorry, enjoy the memory of whatever you spent it on.”

Wow, $600 on gifts for friends was when you should have put your foot down.

Your son really doesn’t understand money. I would suggest that he work between now and Christmas to buy gifts for his friends. It’s likely that few or none of the people he spent the $600 on are going to buy him a gift. My daughter did something similar, and was crushed when no one gave her a gift back. The second year, it was easier because we reminded her of the previous year.

If the money is in investments, the lesson is that you don’t cash in investments for something trivial. For day-to-day purchases, you earn more money. You don’t touch capital, or you will always be broke.

@BarnacleBill I did put my foot down. He did a great job playing his father and I through that time. He never asked either of us together for more money. One and then the other. When I realized just how much he had spent I was frustrated.

I had a long talk with him yesterday and he understands why I am concerned. He says his problem now is that he told all his friends that he was buying them presents. I advised him to think of more creative ways to give gifts to his friends without breaking the bank.

I also talked to him about never touching your investments…besides for real emergencies.