Are you a wife or a mother first?

No…

Good question. While the kids are young and dependent on you for food, water, and shelter, I would assume mother/father. Then, when the kids are older, wife/husband.

Mother. Full time. He comes and goes as he pleases… I feel a small, vestige relationship with him…... but not even a ‘part time’....... and I resent having to ‘parent’ him when he’s home.

Depends on the situation. If my husband was doing something that was detrimental to the kids, I’d be a mother first. If my kids were being disrespectful to my husband, I’d be a wife first.

I’m the daddy :¬)

I’ve always been a mother first (which might explain why this is my 3rd marriage). Now I’m a wife first but still there for my children.

This is an interesting question. There are actually three roles at play: individual, wife, mother. Likewise for men: individual, husband, father. If a woman is married to a man who puts himself first, then sees himself as a husband second, and a father third, it could be more likely that the woman sees herself as a mother first, individual second, and wife third.

I wonder if the secret to being happily married is to match your spouse in roles?

Neither – I am myself first, then a partner and a mother simultaneously…losing my spouse would be just as devastating as losing my kids.

I believe I’m a wife first, but that does not mean that I would choose my husband over my son. The reason I say wife first is because ideally, the relationship with my son will change over time as he gains his independence and moves on to have his own life and relationships. I would expect the relationship he has with his wife to come before the relationship he has with me because the husband/wife relationship is the primary relationship in my opinion. The relationship with my husband will continue as we grow together, ideally continuing to get better every day.

Right now, my son needs me more than my husband does majority of the time, but there have been times when my husband has needed me more (like after his knee surgery). It’s really a case by case basis. There will come a time when my son won’t need me as much (it’s already happened on some levels). I would be devastated if I lost either one, though they would affect me differently.

Mother first, wife second, although that does change as the kids grow up and are more independent.

Thanks for your responses. Here’s an interview with Ayelet Waldman, the writer who caused the uproar. I guess she actually caused it 5 years ago, but revisited the issue in a new book this past year.

Right now, mother. I am sure that will change as my daughter grows less and less dependent on me. I refuse to end up as a helicopter parent or pesky mother-in-law.

That being said, it doesn’t mean I always choose my daughter first. My husband and I are a parenting partnership and we work together. We make decisions based on what is best for our family and we back each other up.

I’d say I’m a mother first. After the kids are grown up and out of the house, then it’s time for daddy!

The ladies call me Grandpa.

@Seaofclouds again, my answer! My ex-husband answered the who would you save question at a party. He said he would save me before our children in a shipwreck. I was astounded.

I keep coming back to this question and find it very intriguing. I believe I am me first, then wife and mother. Clearly, I know how to prioritize what I need to be and take that role seriously and immediately. However, I’m not totally sold on the belief that I can only be one role at a time.

I will say the case of danger, it is my duty to protect my children first, before my husband; yet, I must secure myself or I’m no good for any of them.

This may not be the popular answer, but it is honest.