Can I skip Thanksgiving?

Yes, you can.

well, yes, you shouldn’t go if you are going to ruin everyone else’s holiday. But you need to make sure your family understands you “aren’t feeling well” (that’s true!) so you are skipping the festivities.

and if you can be civil, perhaps it would do you well to go anyway and have contact with your relatives. Can you talk privately to a relative and say you’re having a rough time since last year you were with your Grandmother? Can you tell whichever of your parents were the child of your grandmother? Telling someone your feelings and then getting a hug might do you a world of good.

oh, and Happy Thanksgiving; I am thankful to have learned about fluther and all the people on here.

Talk to your family about feeling bad. Maybe they do too. I don’t think it’s wrong at all to skip it if you want to. Really, It’s just a day.

I think do what you want, but I would not be sure that means you are doing everyone a favor; it depends on your family. If your mom is one to worry that you are alone and sad, she will probably dwell on the fact that you are not there and feel sad that you felt so badly you decided not to come. If your family is the type that is always all together, and people trek across country to be there, there will probably be at least a whisper of how they just cannot believe you are not there with a tinge of superiority and annoyance. If your family is not like that, if they will understand, if they themselves have sat a holiday out here and there, then no problem. My family is the latter, but I know many many families that are the former. But, even if your family is the type to be judgemental or dwell on the fact that you didn’t make it, you can still not give a shit and do what you want.

I think do what you want.

@JLeslie said it better than me but I was succinct?

@JLeslie my mom isn’t much of a worrier, and my family is very tight knit. We do have 2 relatives from out of town, but I was with them today. I’m not really worried about judgment. I just have never considered skipping a holiday before. My husband’s family might be more inclined to tsk-tsk, but, I’m not too concerned about that.

I have to be at 3 different dinners tomorrow all within a 3 hour span, and my husband’s family lives about a 35–40 minute drive from us. It’s stressful trying to jam all of that in every year, even when I’m in the mood. Throwing that in on top of my already lousy mood, I just see myself being intolerable tomorrow, to be completely honest.

I’m kind of hogging the thread but I’m getting old enough to think of myself sometimes. I can’t get out of any of them because of kids and they all come to my house. I hint to my DIL but nothing happens. You need to think of yourself now. Would you be happier home alone? And who makes your travel plans 3 dinners in 3 hours- ridiculous,, what a stressor!!

You definitely can. My husband and I weren’t up for a big family to-do this year, and decided to stay home and have a nice quiet dinner for two. As for your regular Thanksgiving travel routine, I’d rethink that next year, too. Start alternating, for heaven’s sake! Save your sanity, girlie.

I’m sorry for your loss, and hope you’re feeling better soon. <3

@TheOnlyNeffie I had not understood you have multiple obligations. I would not worry for a second if you skip some of them, if not all. I can’t believe you do all of that running around. I have never had to do that for any holiday, and I am glad. Will your husband be supportive? Will he skip all of it with you? My husband’s family is the side that would “talk” also, and his mom would worry we were alone. My parents would be less of a problem, especially my mom would not care for a second, my dad would be dissappointed.

I say skip it if you really want to. It doesn’t sound like anyone will be alone because you don’t show up, it is just one less (or two less if we count your husband) at the table.

@TheOnlyNeffie If i had known you were going three places, I would have answered differently too. and if you had asked two weeks ago, I would have said it is the time for you and your husband to start your own traditions and have dinner at your house, and invite people to spend the day with you.

So don’t go anywhere at all, or maybe to just one house; but not all three.

I’m too selfish to alternate.

I’m not close with my in laws, and the thought of giving up holidays with my family is way too difficult for me. Honestly. Maybe that’s bad to admit, but it’s true. I think it directly relates to having lost so many close relatives in my lifetime, I am a clinger. :\
My husband’s family really looks down if he misses a holiday event at their house, so that also limits our option to alternate years. Usually for Xmas eve we just split up.

I used to cook Thanksgiving dinner – not at my house, but at my grandmother’s house. She was not well enough to cook or to go out, so I started cooking there. I loved it. I guess Thanksgiving is just the holiday that really reminds me of her, and the timing of her passing was just particularly hard on me.

Thanks for your input everyone – I have a feeling I really will just curl up on my couch with my dog and watch movies. That sounds nice.

This is when I am really happy that my husband is Mexican raised Catholic, and I am American and Jewish.

@TheOnlyNeffie Take care of yourself. The grownups will be okay.

Thanks.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Wow, how did you wind up with 3 different dinner commitments in one day?

My wife and I are just going out to have turkey dinner at Stuart Anderson’s Steak House, which I guess you don’t have in YO.

@Brian1946 we have two obligations for every holiday. Somehow this year got split into three.
Never heard of Stuart Anderson’s, so, nope. :)

@TheOnlyNeffie My ex-husband and I both have divorced parents, some of whom have remarried. It made holidays a bitch, let me tell you. Finally, we did just what @zenvelo suggested – we said, “we’re staying put, and anyone who wants to can join us”. This was especially true once we had children. We said they’d have Christmas in their own house, thankyouverymuch. ;)

Auggie, I’m soooo ready. I’m tired of running back and forth already, it takes so much of the joy out of it.

No kidding. At first we did what you do, then we alternated (and you wouldn’t believe how much bitching was done by whatever families weren’t our hosts for a holiday). So silly, really.

My mother always tells me the same thing. How, after they had us kids they refused to do the running, and insisted on having the holidays at home.

Are children a prerequisite to hosting meals? lol.

I say no. But, they do make a handy excuse! Seriously, though, traveling hither and yon with kids in tow is a huge pain in the ass. It makes everyone cranky!

Too much running around ruins the holiday. You have to keep track of too much. The time, the food the feelings…ugh!
—Saying this, bent over with one hand on a cane in a quivering voice – Girlie, back when I was your age we had to go to 2 divorced in laws on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Christmas eve for one Christmas day for the other. Also two of the step sisters had that “if she goes I’m not going” thing. It ruined the holiday. Eventually things change.
Now we have it here and it’s nice. The only stress is cleaning house, the turkey being ready on time and the rolls.
I hereby give you permission to stay home or maybe visit one place. Do you need a note?

Oh, @TheOnlyNeffie, I do feel for you. After my Dad passed a few years ago I just chucked the regular stuff and now have it at my house with Katawagrey and some friends, I am infinitely happier for it. I wish you guys could come here and veg with a laid back group of convivial friends. Hope you feel better soon.

The excuse of “feeling under the weather” covers a lot of ground without too much explanation or detail needed.

You can explain your mood to your family and the reason for it. It is only a year and your grief is natural.

What you don’t want to do is ruin Thanksgiving forever. So, in future years, think about other Thanksgivings that included your grandmother.

@marinelife, the only problem I can see with explaining feelings to family collectively is that someone will either try to talk you out of it, or one-up you on moods to guilt you into feeling bad about not being there. Far better to create the impression that you’re feeling the onset of “something” and are sparing the family’s health.

You sure can! I know I am :)

@BarnacleBill Even if she doesn’t talk about it to her family, she should tak about the loss and grief she is feeling to someone.

Since you really can’t avoid the holiday, focus on how you were blessed with your Grandmother. She sounds like she was very special to you. Engage others in memories of her.

Think of how Thanksgiving was meaningful to your Grandma….Holidays and the traditions that come with, are meant to be passed down, shared and remembered. Use her as a compass to guide you through the holidays. IMO holidays are more about memories of people we share these special days with than our own personal wishes and desires. Holidays come but once a year and IMO should be a celebration of not only our own life but those who touched ours as well!

That’s very true. And talking to certain family members who would understand would be in order, but not on the day when someone is expected you to arrive at the dinner table and participate whatever the family Turkey Day traditions are. Having to explain yourself to family doesn’t always turn out like the Waltons. There is always those who take affront to others having emotions, or will try to say that Neffie will feel much better if she’s with family (because that would make them feel better), and won’t understand that she won’t.