How should I handle my mother's bitchy responses to my attempts at conversation?

You could always tell her that if she continues to talk to you in that way,you will leave.Then do it. ;)

Ask her a different type of question.

Mom, have I said something to offend you? What? Why? Are you angry at me for something?

Mom, what’s a topic that you and I could have a pleasant conversation about?

Mom, since you didn’t like my last question, what would you like to talk about?

Mom, would you like me to stop talking and go in the other room?

Agree with @lucillelucillelucille and @gailcalled. Both are excellent answers. You teach people how to treat you. Before you have another family get together, make sure everyone involved knows what’s going on, and that you might leave (so there won’t be any reason for gossip and more nonsense).

There’s an interesting thing that I’ve observed in some “rude” people.. they seem rude until you rude them back… with a smirk in your voice. Some people (I’m one of em) are a bit deadpan about their humor. They don’t mean to cast you off with a reply like: “How would I know?”

One approach you could try is meeting her on her level.

Mom: “I don’t know. I don’t monitor her activities.”
You: “Well you better start I’m trying to have an affair with that boy. He’s the only reason I haven’t poisoned your clothes by now. Start paying attention.”

not the best humor, but you get the idea. try it first!

I don’t get why you even continued the conversation beyond I don’t know. I don’t monitor her activities. Why are you judging her ‘tone’? To say bitchy is your own value judgment. Lighten up.

@YARNLADY : I was trying to describe her tone of voice (I assume you were referring to me saying “cold tone of voice.” Perhaps a better description would be “measured?” I am trying to think of a better description. Cold is not a good description?

Bitchy is another word that yes, I think her comments were bitchy, as they were not very receptive or welcoming to my simple attempt at conversation. If you can think of a better description I would welcome the suggestion.

@jca How old is your mom? My mom was rude to me today on at least three different occasions, but I think my mom is starting to suffer dementia.

@jca When you make judgmental, negative comments about the conversation, it makes it sound like the problem is in your court, not hers. – As I said why even counter with your comment after she told you I don’t know?

@YARNLADY : I felt the additional “I don’t monitor her activities.” was an unnecessarily harsh way to word “I don’t know.” I think “I don’t monitor her activities” is negative, as well. My last two sentences to her explained that to her.

@chyna : she’s 68. After she had dinner and some wine she mellowed out.

@YARNLADY : it does not sound like the OP was in the wrong. It sounds like the mom was being a tad on the rude side, and I would say the mom’s comments were negative and not encouraging the OP to want to continue any attempt at chatting. It sounds like “icy” would be another descriptive word to describe the mother’s tone.

I guess she’s just in a bad mood. When others are in a bad mood, I think the best thing to do is try not to let it affect you, but instead, keep acting nice, and maybe she’ll feel better. Kindness is contagious, so are smiles. :P

No one on this site knows your mother better than you do. has she had a rough day? has she and your dad had an arguement? there has to be some underlining reason your mother is giving you the short answers. is she old enough to be having menopause? there are many reason she may have been short with you. you are her daughter, ask her.

Is your mom frequently like this with you? I mean, are you always at cross-purposes when trying to have a conversation, or is this just a stress reaction? My approach might be different depending on the answer.

The conversation in the question and your mom’s response reminds me of conversations with a teenager. Perhaps your mom felt like you weren’t having a conversation, but that you were grilling her.

Or maybe Mom was acting like the teenager. Mom doesn’t sound right. When’s the last time she saw a doctor?

I’ve known some women who, for whatever reason, don’t want to tell you what’s really on their minds, and what it is about ‘the neighbor’ that they don’t want to talk about, so they adopt this cold tone of voice to communicate that “I have a problem with the person you’re talking about… and if you ask the right question, then maybe I’ll talk about that.” But it’s up to you (has been up to me, when I know these women—and for some reason it’s always women that I see doing this) to decide, “start a conversation about something / someone else?” or “figure out the question to ask to draw her out about what she will say about the neighbor.”

But I usually end the conversation as soon as it’s politely possible, and watch the football game or pick up a book or talk to someone else.

I’m not expressing myself well here. You are not the arbitrator of how your mother speaks, or what she says, but you are in charge of how you choose to judge it. You can choose to be tolerant, or choose hear rudeness.

As I read this conversation, your mother was determined to take offense. She threw out the bait and you bit. You aren’t going to win in that case. Don’t try to changer her behavior. You can’t change her behavior. You can only change yours.

If I had been responsible for your script, I would have written you these lines:

Me: Is Mary seeing her son today?
Mom: (cold tone of voice) I don’t know. I don’t monitor her activities.
Me: All right. [Long pause] Want me to get the serving spoons?

@john65pennington and @augustlan : she is past menopause, she’s 68. she is frequently like that with both me and my stepfather, in that her answers can be short and snippy. I will point it out to her when she does it, to make her aware of it. My sister told me later yesterday that my mother was stressed out over the holiday dinner, but as I said, she is frequently like that anyway. It’s for this reason that although we see each other often, a lot of the time we sit together with minimal conversation.

just to clarify what brought the topic up (the topic of what the neighbor was doing), she brought it up as we saw the neighbor drive by. My mom said “I don’t invite Mary for Thanksgiving because I feel her son should be inviting her.” Then I said “Is Mary seeing her son today?” She brought it up, but I guess further questions were not supposed to take place.

It is bad parenting, not to mention bad behavior during any conversation, to set verbal land mines.

@jca: I hope that you will arm yourself now in order to avoid being hurt the next time

Do you think your mom was testy because of the question or because she might have gotten bugged by something earlier and was still stewing? I ask because my own mother will act like that usually after I’ve ticked her off about something completely unrelated.

Since she’s frequently like this, and it is affecting your relationship with her, you might want to talk to her about it before it happens again. Use your best judgment though… she’s pretty unlikely to change her ways at this point. If I did it, I would tell her how it makes me feel, and ask her to please consider her words and tone of voice in the future. If that didn’t do the trick, I’d let her know that I love her, but will not put up with this behavior any longer. “The next time it happens, Mom, I’m going to leave the room.”

It’s Thanksgiving. It’s a very busy day. Your mom is setting the table. What are you doing? Asking questions about people in the neighborhood. Did it occur to you to offer to set the table for her? She may have been short with you because she was very occupied with getting the dinner on the table and all the details she needed to attend to and you weren’t offering to help. If you were indeed helping her, I apologize for this reply.

She probably just had a lot on her mind. It’s Thanksgiving. (cooking, how the day is going to go, the family members, etc.)

It’s possible she’s mad at the neighbor. She sounds very emotionally immature.

After her snotty comments, you could say, “What happened to you five minutes before I walked into the room?” That would firmly place her behavior on her shoulders.