Awkward, unsociable or just plain rude (see details)

It’s just plain rude. I hope this is not common and not becoming the norm. Your BF must be okay with him acting that way though since she is engaged to him, so why bother saying anything to her.

I’m thinking he was just rude or didn’t want to be with you and your family that day.

+1 for your name, too.

It is rude. However I would not feel slighted or take it personally. He obviously needs a little lesson in etiquette. I saw on a show recently a host said, “when family or friends bring along an additional guest to my Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, I want to know what they are going to bring to the table. Not food, I am not talking food, I mean are they going to make me laugh, be interesting, or be withdrawn and barely participate in the event? If they are a bump on a log, I’m annoyed.” I thought that was funny and true.

I don’t know if I would say anything after the fact. I probably would say something if I was inviting them again, kind of the rules up front.

Forgive me, I don’t know what BFF means! However, I have been in her position, and it’s a horrid one to be in. She loves her fiance, and she presumably loves your (her?) family too if she’s spent thanksgiving with them… She will be aware that he’s being rude, and I have the feeling she does not feel able to tell him. He sounds like a “go-getter” and someone who may therefore be quite controlling. She may well not be all that happy, but not know what to do about it. (At least, that was the case when I was in her place.)

Time to let her know you’re there for her I would say, in a way that doesn’t b*tch about her fella (because she won’t want – or be in a position – to hear that)...

@harple BFF – Best Friend Forever.

I think it’s bordering on being rude. It’s fair enough that he wants to spend time with her alone, etc, but given the circumstances, I think he should’ve been more gracious. There could’ve been more of a balance there. I agree with @harple in that you should bring it to your friends attention in a most tactful way.

Rude. Loser. It’s Thanksgiving day for heaven’s sake. BFF might be a litttle desperate.

Bringing your laptop to someone’s house when your a dinner guest? Totally rude.
Scheduling meditation classes without checking with your hosts to see what the plans were?

BFF may be smitten with this guy, but he’s certainly not smitten with her. If he were, he would not act in a way that would be embarrassing or rude. It sounds as if he never expected to see you all again.

I think the fact that you and your bf were shocked and appalled by the behavior yourselves is an indication that courtesy is alive and well – and that behavior is not to be expected nor accepted.

To be honest, I’m surprised that you all even let him sit down and have dinner with you after all that. You and your BF are owed an apology, and your family is owed a written apology note, along with a nice gift, in order for you to treat this person anything but civilly from this point on.

One of my friends had a husband that did the exact same type of thing at our house after we had spent hours preparing a surprise birthday dinner for his wife. We were insulted and embarrassed for her, and did not mince words later with her about our feelings (we refrained for a bit considering that it was her birthday – but she apologized during the event for it, which was atrocious for her to have to do).

I’m not with @harple on the totally supportive point. If your BFF is engaged to a douchebag…well, voice your opinion now before it’s too late. What she decides to do in the future is up to her, but there’s nothing wrong with letting her know you don’t like the guy…we all can gracefully navigate situations with people we don’t like, and your feelings about him shouldn’t prevent you being able to show grace in the future while interacting with him despite the fact he failed to show it to you.

Just Plain Rude

I agree with others, I think it was rude. My question is why the fiancee agreed to go with your bff to your house in the first place?

He is rude.

Rude. (Being ingored really hurts too!!! Kind like being gored by a bull, see.)

He sounds controlling, mentally unbalanced, and passive-aggressive. If she stays with him, be there to pick up the pieces. Some of these guys can be dangerous.

I bet he is a player and a jag wad for his rude behavior as a guest.

@stardust, I understand him wanting to be with my friend, they’re engaged after all BUT it’s one day we all get to see my friend and we also wanted to welcome the fiancee and tried to give him a chance to know our family. I don’t want to mention it to my friend, somehow I know she’s very aware of our feelings and maybe not sure what to say. I can forgive that but I don’t think any of us are anymore interested in the fiancee. Sucks.

@iamthemob, I went as far as texting my friend and telling her I had hoped to spend the day with her/them since it was my only day off and I never got a response to it which makes me feel it’s not the time to bring this up yet.

@snowberry, my sibling agrees with you on the passive-aggressiveness. The thing about the guy making sure my friend wouldn’t be able to have any meals with us other than the official Tday meal didn’t go over well. My friend did all the driving, more than 10hrs each way and the guy was bizarre to schedule a meditation class for them upon arrival. I figure if my friend tolerates and enjoys this then it’s my time as friend to step aside and accept I won’t have her company much anymore. I’m sad.

Why do people feel insulted? I agreed he was rude, but I don’t get insulted? He is the asshole, why is anyone taking it personally?

@JLeslie, my family is taking it personally because we invited them to participate in a gathering. It wasn’t mandatory, they’re not blood relatives so there’s no pressure of that sort to come together for family’s sake. We all made a good amount of effort to get ready for their arrival, plan things to do with them, whatever and we expected a little more since they made the trip at all. You’d have to know our history but my friend is usually very fun and engaging, sharing a lot of what we enjoy to do, or at least used to. We just missed out on the feeling of my friend wanting to spend time with us.

@Cruiser Jag wad? Dude, other than an obvious insult, what is that?:)

@alana_smithee To me that means you and your family are dissappointed.

@JLeslie, yeah dissapointed for sure. What we’re all really avoiding though is the squicky feeling my friend is at a point in life to have taken a new outlook of her friends and family, something strange we’re not familiar with but yet aware of. She’s a brilliant woman so if she sees something exceptional in this man to want to marry him and meld her lifestyle with his then, I dunno. I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet on this.

@alana_smithee I’m not sure I understand. Are you saying you feel your girlfriend is putting her fiance ahead of your friendship and her relationship with your family?

Unless she voluntarily leaves him, I think it will get worse before it gets better.

Unfortunately it’s very common these days, that doesn’t make it right or acceptable. Unless your BFF is also a boor (which I’m guessing she isn’t, or at least didn’t start out as one) she probably makes excuses for him all the time.

OP: I’m not sure what to make of this, but I find myself zeroing in on “scheduling meditation classes”. That’s really weird. Who schedules meditation classes in another city when they are visiting for a family for Thanksgiving? If not for that, I might give this guy the benefit of the doubt and suggest that he might just be incredibly shy, awkward, and insecure. I suppose it’s possible that there were some opportunities in the hosts’ city that are not available in their home city, but I’m leaning towards agreeing with those who say this guy is some sort of manipulator. It might be unduly speculative and unfair to point out that abusers find ways of isolating their victims from their friends and support systems—but, oh darn, I’ve gone ahead and pointed it out anyway.

I also agree that your name is darn clever (in a film geekette kind of way).

@Kardamom – I don’t think I’ve ever seen this happen with a guest at a function like that. I wouldn’t say it’s common at all.

@submariner – I focused on the exact same thing. I was like, “That sounds like a whole lot of weird, random and stressful planning to make sure you meditate.”

@iamthemob My cousin’s former (thankfully former) boyfriend did most of the same things at our family Xmas dinner last year. After he busied himself with his phone, in front of us, he actually went into the bedroom to watch TV by himself when all of my family was out in the living room. This was the first and last time we had ever met him.

And one of my friends that I used to be very close to, started doing the checking the phone thing and talking on the phone to her boyfriend at every time we got together with “just the girls” or a bunch of us “old friends” and she stopped being mentally present. This started happening when we were all together out to lunch or at her house or at any of our houses.

And everywhere I go, whether it’s a store or a restaurant there’s someone who should be conversing with either the cashier in front of them or their date at the table, but they’re too busy talking on the phone, texting or checking their e-mail. I see it every day.

And I’m sure that you and your family thought it was extremely rude – and as it was the first and last time you saw him, it appears that he was appropriately exorcised. And your friend sounds like the exception in your group. ;-)

I’m not saying that the cell phone checking thing isn’t common. But, it’s very different when it’s a special occasion than when you are simply checking out at the register (although that is still, I agree, just rude).

Clearly, his meditation classes aren’t helping. Rude.

If i were you I would have a hard time not telling my friend that her bf’s behavior was upsetting to the family. If you are going to continue your friendship and if this bothers you, even though she likes him and is smitten, you should still feel free to tell her what’s on your mind. I would tell her gently something like, “You know, when you guys were at my parents’ for Thanksgiving, your bf didn’t talk to them too much and they were kind of insulted.” then see what she says. I’m guessing she will probably make excuses but at least you told her.

If you wish, please post an update as to what you decided to do.

The Update Lady
JCA

About all you can say is that it was great to see you, and that you were sorry that the orginal purpose of spending time getting to know “Boyfriend” fell flat, and that if your parents had known that he had made arrangements that restricted his time, they would have rearranged dinner plans to accommodate his schedule. That should at least elevate the guy’s ridiculous behavior to eye level for BFF.