How do you deal with someone who just wants to mess with your mind, and can't step up or commit?

Ask him out when he arrives. Dont make too much of a deal out of it. If you were not on a formal relationship and you havent had things talked out you have no right over him. If you both like each other, just ask him out. You’ll have fun :)

You are living in limbo. You need to know if Neil likes you or not. So, since he hasn’t asked you out, you ask him out.

Where did he go during his time off? Can you contact him outside of work? If so, you could ask him to meet you for coffee so you know ahead of time.

@marinelife He went to New York to some public relations work for some friends of his. i can’t really contact him right now because of time differences and work and class schedules. My free time is super scattered and I’m not really sure he would appreciate a call at two in the morning. “Hey it’s 2 in the morning, care for some coffee?” probably wouldn’t go over so well. Expecially since he gets up pretty early…
If I’m gonna ask him out I’ll have to do it when he gets back, like @arturodiaz suggested.

Start having sex with all of his friends.

When he finally asks you what’s up, tell him, “We need to talk.”

It sounds promising to me. These relationships that begin by hating each other are often successful for some reason. He liked you, whether he still does you will soon find out.

I’m kind of confused. You say he wants to mess with your mind and he won’t commit or step up. What is there to step up to or commit to? How do you know he’s messing with your mind? Has he ever said to you that he might or might not want you?

As far as I can tell, it’s you making a lot out of things he hasn’t said and that other people haven’t said. His friend offered to do his shift so he could go out with you, but did he ask you out? He had two weeks before he went. You don’t know why he “seemed enthusiastic” to the other woman.

He could just be a flirt. Maybe he has fun with you, but doesn’t really see you as date material. Who knows what he thinks?

I’ll tell you one thing: you sure don’t, and if you think you do, you are deluding yourself.

What we call this is a full-fledged fantasy. It’s what happens to humans when they get a little information and then fill out a whole story based on that. You have created an enormous fantasy and you desperately want it to be real. You’ve convinced yourself that the misogynist with an inner darkness really wants you, or needs you. You are romantically believing you can turn him around—maybe show him that not all women are bad and help him learn he’s ok.

This is a fantasy, and I suspect that you know it. Otherwise you wouldn’t have asked the question. Let him go. I think you are fooling yourself if you think you can rescue him. The only person who can rescue him is he. You are letting your romantic fantasies go too far. It’s not real. Not right now. And maybe never.

Wait until he comes back. Get a better sense of who he is. See if there’s anything besides your fantasy when he comes back.

I wouldn’t even bother.

@wundayatta , I’ve had all those same thoughts. and I guess theres more to it then what I wrote above. Its hard to get it all out. I don’t know what he thinks. Thats what’s driving me crazy. And also, I used the wrong word up there. I meant misanthropic (whoops!), not misogynist. And you’re right. I do want to turn him around, I hate seeing people think little of themselves. I know I let my mind over analyze things and inevitably make more of them than I should. As to the whole step up and commit thing…I don’t feel like its right for him to expect me not to even flirt with other guys (even if the guy in question at that moment was my cousin, and I was not flirting…) if he’s not going to make a move.
he’s just…really hard to figure out.

Frankly,he sounds exhausting to know.He had two weeks to ask you out before he left and did not,then he is gone for three months and you have had no contact? It doesn’t sound good to me…
You describe him as a mysogynist that will “shock” you with a kind gesture? No thanks on that.
He even desrcibes himself as an asshole? Believe it.

I would say play it off. You know in the inside you are so happy to see him when he gets back but don’t over do his welcoming like you should let him know you missed him and all just don’t show to much excitement.

I’m with @YARNLADY and @lucillelucillelucille. Maybe Neil’s got something special about him but maybe not enough to ask you out before he left even if to set a future date/meet. If he talks himself down that much then it says to me he’s either truly disturbed or a player who talks it up so girls won’t expect much of him and he can indulge himself with minimal courtesey, forethought or effort.

I used to be one of those people who’d see the gleam beneath the much but I learned THE HARD WAY, cut your losses, save yourself to be open to meet a guy who can’t stand to not be around you, asking you questions about your life, your wants, your friends, etc. and then asks you out.

Count me in with @YARNLADY, @lucillelucillelucille, and @Neizvestnaya with all of @wundayatta‘s statements as supporting arguments. It probably isn’t a great idea to go sprinting up to him (literally or metaphorically) when he walks back in the door. You gotta get to know this guy before you can have a real relationship.

I gotta ask, how at the beginning of a relationship that sounds pretty platonic and maybe even strictly a work relationship, did you manage to get into fights so intense you ended up throwing things at each other? I have had some pretty doggone rough relationships in my time, but I can honestly say I have never thrown anything at a new friend, lover, or even an ex. As far as I’m concerned that kind of start does not bode well for any relationship.

@SuperMouse That is how some people fight, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. So long as it clears the air and everyone can let it go, it’s fine. If it leads to abuse and resentment, then it’s no good.

The word you used, mysogynist is the first, huge red flag. Never date anyone that even vaguely fits that description.

It sounds like you are very young and see things in a rather idealistic way. If he was interested in you then you guys would have already gone out on a date, or hung out or had coffee. The fact that he left for a very extended time without much of an explanation leads me to believe that there is more to this story than you know. And just because your time frames are different, doesn’t mean he can’t e-mail you. And I’m guessing he didn’t ask for your e-mail address, because if he did and he was interested in you, he would have e-mailed you.

All this intrigue and drama for a person with whom you aren’t even in a relationship with. I would play it very slow with him when he gets back. Ask him about his trip and what all he did very casually. You can learn a lot about a person from how they answer normal every day questions (is he defensive? is he open and eager to share the details with you? is he evasive or irritated?)

And I’ll remind you again of your own description of him: mysogonistic. That’s bad no matter how you slice it. Those kind of fellows can be super charming when they need to be. That’s how they hook you in. If I were you, I would find somebody else that is nicer, more available and more open and honest. And hopefully somebody that you don’t work with.

He sounds exhausting, and frustrating.

Kick him to the curb. If you ask nicely, @lucillelicillelucille might let you borrow her pointy stick. ;-)

Your description of him brings to mind the young high school or 20-something age boy with anger & domestic abuse issues from the afterschool specials – it’s that predictable story – he knows he’s bad & wonders why anyone digs him at all – when he realizes he’s liked he falls for the chic & then acts jealous & abusive until one day something results in bruises or worse for a girl who was innocently talking to a friend or relative. From there on out it’s one woman-hating comment after another & the young girl in the story gets caught up in the fantasy she told herself from the start until one day she looks up to find herself pregnant with a restraining order & single. No mysoginist (sp) should have the privilege of dating anyone with an ounce of self-esteem & no one lacking self-esteem should fantasize about dating a mysoginist. The guy seems exhausting & the drama you’ll endure with him isn’t even worth blessing him with a one night stand. Not to mention co-worker dating & how that all works. I heard a quote that describes a perfect co-worker dating policy “don’t sh*t where you eat”. Some things should always stay separate. (like co-workers & dating or mysoginists & women).