My father's house is really messy.. He is 72... Is it normal ?? He has perfect health?

Has he always been messy? If so, he’s just a messy person. If this only started happening in the last few years, it could be a sign of dementia or something. Maybe you could hire a cleaning woman for him before you go?

Get your own motel room and enjoy your visit. Alternately, hire a cleaning service.

@Dutchess_III A cleaning man could do the job just as good

I agree with @Dutchess_III. Offer to hire a cleaning person for your father under the guise of not wanting your visit to cause him extra work.

While you are there evaluate him carefully. Consider talking with his doctor about any changes in his behavior that you notice.

@YARNLADY Not!

I don’t think your boyfriend should mind this and if does, I’d pissed off at him. BTW, it’s not about ‘not having a wife’ – perhaps your father likes the way his own home is, just as messy as it is.

I’m more concerned about you and your opinions and prejudices here.

What does “a messy house” have to do with “poor”? I know poor people who keep a spotless house.

And what does his level of housekeeping have to do with his ability or inclination to be hospitable?

For you to presume to be embarrassed for what your father does is pretty arrogant on your part. I’m not surprised that the two of you argue a lot.

How about granting your father the right to be who and as he wants to be, to allow him the leeway to present himself and his house and hospitality as he sees fit, and to back off of things that don’t concern you? It’s not as if “messy housekeeper” is genetic, and your boyfriend is going to think you have that gene. Let go of things that don’t concern you directly and try to enjoy the visit.

Define messy.

Sometimes, people do get into that “cat-woman” syndrome as they get older. It’s actually a mental illness. They really don’t see the mess that they live with. If so, he won’t want the cleaning service in his house. He won’t want his stuff touched or moved because he “won’t be able to find it” afterwards. I’d be very surprised if he accepted this offer.

I’m not sure how mess we’re talking about, but if it’s cockroaches and smelly messy, then you really don’t want your boyfriend to be exposed to that, and you really do want social services or some kind of medical service to come out and help.

Of course, it could be normal, and he just doesn’t want to be bothered. But even so, that feels a bit like depression to me if you don’t take care of your surroundings. Maybe he has stopped caring. Maybe he’s depressed about being alone.

I would definitely be concerned. I would try to find some service that could evaluate him, just in case something pathological is going on. Also, it will be interesting to see what he says when you say you won’t stay with him. If he doesn’t protest at all, or not very hard, that would worry me.

I don’t get the impression that this is a pathological sort of messiness, but as an older guy with a “high tolerance for dog hair and dust,” myself—and a darn neat and clean kitchen—I would be offended if someone presumed that I couldn’t socialize or even care for myself on the basis of the dog hair and the three-day junk mail pile on the living room rug. But, yeah, as @wundayatta has said, if this is “pathological messiness” and not just “can’t be bothered” or “has better things to do” messiness, then that’s a different story.

Hotel room.

Is the house dirty or just messy? Are food bits and trash everywhere or is it simply piles so clean laundry.in the living room and tools in the kitchen?
If he has been living alone for many years you can be sure he has worked out a system that works for him. That would be hard to change.
If this is a recent, sudden change then maybe you can talk with him and do an informal evaluation. The messiness might be caused by depression, minor stroke, physical ailment.
Stay at a hotel but make sure to visit with him. You can meet at a restaurant.
Remember, while family is a factor, your boyfriend is interested in you, not your dad.

If your father has been gracious enough to invite you to stay in his home, then I wouldn’t be concerned about the house being messy. You could always clean the kitchen/bathroom yourself before you used it.

I would let your boyfriend know the situation ahead of time though. If he really cares about you then the cleanliness of your father’s house shouldn’t really matter.

It is your father’s house, and if he is happy with the clutter then that is his choice, and you should be able to accept this. We all have different standards and maybe your father feels comfortable living this way.

I have a friend whose home is littered with books… absolutely everywhere, but I am able to see beyond the clutter because he is so very welcoming towards me whenever I visit.

@CyanoticWasp Gosh..the OP DID equate ‘messy’ with ‘poor,’ didn’t she. I agree, that is totally offensive, along with every other stereotype pinned on poor people.

I agree with all those who are asking you to define “messy.” As in ‘unsanitary messy,’ or just ‘cluttered messy’?

Well hopefully if you and your boyfriend are at the “meeting the parents stage” you two are close enough to not judge you because of the condition of your fathers house. And I say if you’re father’s healthy let him enjoy his messy house. He’s 72 and he probably doesn’t have the energy or motivation to clean it. Either way, good luck.

S’ok. Sometimes I try to read carefully what is right there. We can forgive the occasional bad presumption, but it’s harder to forgive TYPING IN ALL CAPS.