Would you feel awkward at a Christmas get together party like this ?

I would feel uncomfortable in a situation like this too. You can do what my husband and I started doing when our sons were little. We decided to have Christmas at our house so we don’t have to travel anywhere. We make lots of food and anyone is invited.

@jonsblond That is what I told her, exactly, she seemed ticked off at me and said they can’t make it. That they always go to debi’s house and I won’t see her!! It’s like a long-standing thing she always did when we lived out of state and she isn’t going to change.

I enjoy going to big family parties, we have several of them over the course of the year. Many times there are friends and other people who we don’t know, but everybody comes and has a great time. Sometimes they are potlucks and other times they are hosted by a particular family. But at our Xmas party we do the thing where you bring a gift and everybody draws for one gift and then you play funny games with trading the gift or guessing the gift. Nobody has the money to buy everyone a gift, so we make the one gift thing a rule.

It would be nerve-wracking to go to a party where you had no idea if, or how many gifts you were expected to bring.

Also, I’m a big believer of not going to events that you just don’t want to go to. I don’t care for fake social situations, so if I felt weird about a particular party or event I would just give my regards and not go. It’s totally fine to have your own, small intimate party at home without all of the hullabaloo.

@Aster I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you can work something out. Good luck. :)

Thanks. We went for Thanksgiving and ate in the garage off of styrofoam plates . It was ok; not fun for me. I enjoy bringing out the fancy stuff for holiday dinners. It makes them special, I think. Now, if they were all relatives of mine it would be a different story. But the only relative is my daughter and she, while being nice and all, likes to sit and talk with women her age who are relatives. It’s hard to explain how I feel. Sort of like an interloper.

That’s such a shame that your daughter tried to make you feel bad/guilty for not attending her huge party. You can just sweetly remind her that it makes you feel a little out of place and overwhelmed to go to such a big event where you don’t know a lot of people and are never sure about whom to give presents. Tell her that you don’t have the kind of money to spend like that and remind her that you actually prefer a smaller, more intimate gathering of family and/or friends. If she’s still mad and decides that she won’t come, then invite some people that you like to come over instead. You don’t need to dis-invite the daughter, you can invite her every year, even if she never comes. Just make sure that you do what you want (without hurting anybody) and enjoy the friends and family that want to come and visit with you. Or if noboby can or wants to come to your little party, then go to the movies, have a glass of wine and a nice meal and enjoy yourself.

Thank you. I do know all of them. I like all of them a lot. But to say, “I prefer a smaller party” she’d really be mad then. It’s not a party I’d have, really, it would be just a nice dinner, desserts and opening some presents. I had told her she would be invited of course but she just told me she’s busy. I don’t know what to do now. She is definitely a brat at times. I do not want to snub them or ditch them. Then if they or most of them did show up over here I would not have a gift for each one!! The dinner she’ll go to will not be at her house. It’s at her inlaw’s house as usual.

Oh, well now that you added that you went at Thanksgiving, this is a whole new question/answer. You went at Thanksgiving, so I would not go again at Christmas. Why should you put your self out for every holiday? I would feel awkward also. I do understand the styrophone plates since there were so many folks there, but I agree, I like to have real dinnerware for the special occasions that bring families together to eat.

Well, yes; but I wouldn’t be putting myself out if I went. Each person brings something . True ,she did volunteer me for a big turkey which I stuffed, baked and took over there, a fifteen mile drive. Now I feel like I’m whining. Oh, Lord.

Also, for the gift giving, I would hate to have to buy gifts for people I don’t know that well. I would either mention drawing names, or just dumping the whole gift giving altogether. Not everyone has unlimited money to buy gifts, let alone to buy gifts for people you don’t know that well.
You aren’t whining.

I’m not sure how to state how well I know them. I know they’ve always accepted me and invited me and been so nice. We are at the “hugging stage.” But to buy gifts for some of the husbands seems super weird. And I’ve already been told by her that her MIL is going to get me at least one nice present. I don’t even get to hear how many!! Her inlaws are wealthy if that means anything. So when I heard her MIL got me something I went and got her something too. But now I hear her HUSBAND will get me something. He’s a precious guy, but sheesh.

“Different from how I would do it” doesn’t translate to “awkward” for me. Apparently, you were the one who felt ‘awkward’ (which is not a judgment of you, by the way people seem to be getting prickly to my observations lately). So I’d go and have as good a time as I normally do at parties and large gatherings (which is not the best of times for me and you can judge me on that if you want to), and accept that it’s “different”.

As for the gift thing, I only get gifts for people I know pretty well, anyway. I wouldn’t be getting gifts for people in a child’s extended family. Something for the host, maybe. (How about some nice china, for example?)

The gift giving is contrived and silly. To me that would be more off-putting than eating off of paper plates with a bunch of folks in a garage.

If you don’t feel comfortable there, don’t go. You can explain to her or not, but it sounds like she’s not interested in the most compelling explanation. The fact that she cannot or will not attempt to understand your side makes her sound very self focused.

And of course, do have a spread at your own house where things are like you like them. Lots of follks have two thanksgivings with two families. How about something like that?

It seems to me that this is the kind of thing that depends on your attitude. If you get generic gifts that can fit anyone and don’t put tags on them, then you could reciprocate at will. Just join in the fun as much as possible. It sounds like a loving and happy group.

On the other hand, you can tell your daughter that you are uncomfortable in such a large crowd and you’d rather celebrate with her and her immediate family at a separate time.

It is a loving and happy group. I am not uncomfortable at all in a crowd of people. I wish I could explain this. It kind of makes me feel I’m trying to “be one of them” when I’m not. Not only that: each time one of her kids has a birthday she invites all of them over plus the kids’ friends and they all bring gifts. They line the walls. I think it’s crass. That’s just me. I’d feel very uncomfortable inviting hoards of adults and kids over each time a child of mine got a year older.
EVen if I served food I’d feel very odd. It has gone on since they were born.

@Aster – It’s funny but I can feel that party and I don’t like the sound of it. I can’t explain why but the whole thing seems awkward.

Something that I’m trying to learn is that it’s okay to say “No, thank you” to various invitations. When asked why, to simply reply, “I’m really not interested. Thank you for inviting me, though” It is difficult.

Its really not awkward although I very much appreciate your reading the posts. The guys sit around in the living room watching tv and talking, drinking. That’s ok. The women are in the kitchen and sunroom arranging the platters of food, some drinking. She has Oodles to drink, most of it is never consumed. There is a toddler they coo over. Then we all get a paper plate , put what we want on it, sit down either in the garage or on a chair and eat. Then we help clean up and leave. At some point we do the dreaded “gift opening” scenario. During this nightmare, her MIL and FIL shower my daughter’s kids with expensive presents. I mean, the girl has diamond earrings, for Godssake. And she’s eight. I can’t relate. Or compete, or at least I would never try as much as my daughter would like me to. Then I give her husband a couple things and I have never heard one single word back from him. In fact, he refuses to darken our door. But I still buy for him to keep my daughter content. Somewhat.
I’m trying to figure out why I don’t want to go. I am not one of them. I don’t want them to give me presents. They feel obligated or something because my daughter IS one of them. Most of them have the same last name. Really. Then we drive fifteen miles home.
I am used to having just the 2 of us with a nice table setting and maybe my daughter who used to drive 200 miles to see us. But now we’ve moved back so she doesn’t have to make that drive. So since we’re back it was understood, I guess, that we would go over there for each major holiday dinner which I do not wish to do. If these were my friends from school or even my old friends from where my ex used to teach here in town it would be wonderful. I am going to see 2 of these ladies this month sometime who I’ve not seen in…... eleven years!! And that I’m looking forward to! Besides, the day after Christmas his family are coming to spend the night with a five yr old and a two yr old and that is about enough, I think, for me for this year. It has been one stress filled year.

Well, now it’s beginning to sound more like one of my mother-in-law’s parties, minus the paper plates and ‘extravagant’ gifts. And to tell the truth, I was never very comfortable there, because the men would all gather to talk about huntin’ and fishin’, and I’m neither of those things, and if not, then the things they were building or tearing down, and I don’t do that, either, and then later the “labor vs. management” issues that they all felt a victim of. And since I’m in management and they’re all in labor, then that was the least comfortable of all.

That, and Bingo. I will never in my life understand what leads adults with supposedly functioning brains to play “Bingo”. I never went to those gatherings unless there was a football or baseball game to retreat into. But the food was always great, and the plates were solid, if not fine china.

But, but , you could always chat with the women about babies and boots and purses? ha. maybe I’m onto something now?
First time we played Bingo we won $500. So we played 3 more times. lol I like it. You can eat a hot dog or something bad for the arteries while you play and you don’t have to get dressed up. And you can win cash while you eat. haha

“Then I give her husband a couple things and I have never heard one single word back from him. In fact, he refuses to darken our door.” But I still buy for him to
keep my daughter content.

I think this is key. That, and a few others, like you are expected to have an assortment of gifts to satisfy their criteria. It’s just a lot of work, you are not appreciated, or needed other than to bring your warm body. I really don’t think you’d even be missed, although as you said, they do expect you show up and participate. If you don’t care about seeing your grandchildren, can you avoid it and come another time?

Somehow it sounds all very controlling to me. I don’t do control very well. Have you ever been able to discover why son-in-law won’t darken your door? What’s his relationship like with you when you DO see him?

Declare Christmas as your “couples only” day. Let your immediate family know they are welcome to stop buy before a certain hour of the day but the rest is for you and your SO.

@snowberry A am keeping them for New Years’ Eve so she can go to Vegas with her family. So at the latest I’ll see them at that time. I agree; I’ll have food on Christmas Eve but if she is tied up I can live with it. If I cave, and go, it’ll give her power. She does have a controlling side to her personality, especially with me. She is a perfectionist and if I do it my way it surely can’t be perfect. She actually treats me more like my mother than like my daughter; she learned it from her stupid father, my ex.
Her husband won’t come over because, we’re pretty sure, he disapproves of any type of decent or helpful things we’ve done for my other daughter who is a total mess. He works very, very hard and he does not respect anyone who doesn’t. He actually admitted to me, when I asked, that he’d prefer his mother be sweeping floors somewhere other than living her leisurely lifestyle since they struck it rich. The woman had been a full time teacher to retarded children even changing diapers on pre teens but it wasn’t enough for him. He still wants her working. I’m surprised he doesnt expect his 86 year old grandmother to work. I really am .
He is very nice to her and quite generous. But for us to do all we did for my other daughter was too much for him to stomach. I think there’s also a hidden aspect to it that is I am not one of them, and I had better not get any ideas that I am one because it isn’t going to happen . Or, he doesn’t want his wife, my daughter, to get too cozy with my H’s family like he’s insecure or something. No worries. She hasn’t seen any of them in 23 years. I rarely see him but, when I do , it’s always at one of the birthday parties and he’ll smile and say how are you? like we’re just normal and hug me. But it’s major fake. I can’t wait until december is over.

If you don’t enjoy it, don’t go. I love the opportunity to get together with family and friends of my sons, but that’s just me. I also wouldn’t even think of complaining about the disposable dishes, but again, that’s just me. I love big gatherings, the more the merrier.

My husband’s mother is controlling like that. About 12 years ago, she was complaining to me about her sister in law who lives across the country. She finally summed it up when she said, “I just can’t control her!” I had to leave the room because I started to laugh.