Hah! You know when the Transporter on the Enterprise isn’t working right and the people sort of phase into and out of existence? Well, that’s how it is with me and the not caring stuff. Only mostly I do care.
I was a first-born (not any more, but that’s another story) and so I had to do everything. The burden of the expectations of my family were on me. All the expectations. Of course, I failed miserably.
For years after college, I tried to stay away from my parents because I had failed them so completely there wouldn’t have been any room for a sign on that edifice. After a half dozen years or so, I realized I was never going to get my father to see that my values were just as valid as his; that a life for living was just as good as a life for succeeding. So I gave up, and just decided to be ok with being me.
That lasted for a while. Not sure how long. Perhaps until I became a father, or perhaps until I became all balls-up in the brain. All of a sudden, all that sense of having failed came back, only being depressed, I couldn’t shake it. I took it seriously. Even though a few months before I remember thinking that I had become set in my ways and I no longer cared what anyone else thought of it. I was just going to do it (whatever it was) because that’s what I enjoyed.
The transporter started acting really wonky again. Often times I’d be left out there in never-never land, unsure if I existed or not. When I did come into existence I might have a healthy attitude about myself, but more likely I felt worthless; a failure; unable to do much of anything except waste time on fluther.
Of course, everyone else grew up a long time ago. Some came to know this at age 12 or so. Wow! My mind is totally boggled. When I fail, I really fail. An angst-ridden teenager in an old man’s body. If that ain’t reason to overdose on the happy pills, I don’t know what is.
So fuck me! I care what people think about me. Except the rules are that I have to be thought of well without changing who I am. Sisyphus move over. I have to convince people that black is grey and grey is white. And white is made of many colors. In other words, be as confusing as possible while trying to sound like I am saying something that actually makes sense.
So I never believe I’ve made a difference in the way people see things, even though a few people say I have. All I know is that I am this utterly fucked up person who insists that being fucked up is the right way to be. I’m not going to change. I can’t change. But I also don’t feel good about it because I need people to approve. That’s like asking people to drink from the waters of Old Faithful and pretend it’s really Evian. Aaaaagh! Sometimes it seems like putting an ice pick through my eye would be a pleasure cruise compared to trying to reconcile that mental pig’s wallow they call “Wundayatta.”