For those of you whose partner is dealing with mental illness, how do you cope?

I want to know, also. Would you like me to ask my husband to get on and answer? ;)

My wife was strong while I was at my sickest, and when I got better, she collapsed and got depressed herself. She is more fragile now, and I have to take care of her more, and also, I’m not allowed to get sick any more—because it scares her and because she doesn’t think she can stand it.

So when I get depressed, like right now, I try to hide it.

@wundayatta You were doing so well for awhile.

endure it and learn the invaluable lesson of patience and understanding.

You do whatever you can—talk to others, see a therapist, cry, scream, etc. Coping with problems, of any kind, is not the same as choosing to stay someone. What makes someone stay is love and commitment.

I left him. But to be fair, he wasn’t “dealing” with it other than to self medicate with oxycontin.

@Trillian That was probably a good move. Using that stuff only endangers you both.

I have been through the “stand by him and fix him and help him recover” ordeal more than once and I have come to the conclusion that my primary duty is to take care of me. No one else is going to do that. But I was dealing with people with addictions which I feel is different than a mental illness. Addiction involves a certain amount of personal choice whereas a true illness cannot be walked away from. So it is a hard call. But still I would no longer endanger my own health or well being for anyone, I owe no one my own sanity or health.

@mama_cakes I think it depends on the personal strength of the partner trying to help the ill partner. It is going to take a very strong person to help the other cope. If they aren’t strong, it’s pretty likely it’s going to take them down as well.

No partners of mine but I did know a man whose ex wife was bi polar and though he did everything he could to study, support and be active with her, they eventually divorced because she was dangerous at some times and very emotionally destructive most of the rest of the time. She kept taking up in affairs and then blaming her disease which the cause or not totally tore her husband down over time. The fact they had kids made every incident of her unstable behavior all the more destructive and he felt he had to leave her for the kids’ sake and his own.

(This response is from my husband. I have type one bipolar.) First of all you have to look at what you want out of the relationship and if you truly LOVE this person. Life can be very hard with someone with a mental illness when you don’t have it. You have to be very patient (which I’m not at times). And the hard part is wanting to be able to help them through different episodes and not be able to do anything. I have had scary moments with her, one was fairly recent that had me mad at her for a long time. It can be hard to let someone you love with a mental illness do their own thing, even when they say they’re fine, especially when they might be a danger to themselves or others. All I can say is to really search your soul and heart and decide if you have what it takes, or if this HARD work and patience is worth it for you. If my wife has a depressive episode or a manic episode, I know that they will end and she’ll either swing again or stabilize. I don’t know what your situation is exactly, but I hope this helps. For myself, despite the hard times it has been more than worth it.

@dubsrayboo You are lucky to have the husband you have. I know of so many people who will simply walk away from people like us. In fact, that is often the advice given here when people ask if they should stay with their bipolar significant other.

@wundayatta: There a big difference in bipolars who are emotionally reactive more than destructively active. When you’ve got one who frightens their own kids, rages out at them, physicallly bullies them (and the spouse), cheats and risks or actually does bring STD’s or infections home and subjects the household to cheating lovers’ phone calls, drive bys, etc. then it’s fair to say the spouse and kids deserve to be let go without guilt so they can save themselves from longterm mental trauma that will weigh on their own future relationships.

@Neizvestnaya Very good points. I never really thought about it like that, probably because I don’t have experience with bipolar I types.

@wundayatta: I briefly dated a man whose ex wife scoped us out in a neighborhood restaurant one night. She followed us back to his house where his kids were inside, she got into the backyard and walked around trying all the slider doors and windows, pounded on them and threatened to come back with her pistol. The kids didn’t panic, they just drew the blinds, curtains, turned off their cellys and turned up the TV. My date called the police, apologized to me and offered to pay for any damages if she made out which car on the street was mine. We didn’t date after that.

why do I stay? I ask myself that often. At times I worry that I stay because I want to be needed. My “who the hell knows what’s wrong with him but he sure is crazy” boyfriend has had severe psychosis, major depression, suicidal ideation, cuts himself etc. He has tried to convince me to kill myself with him, he is manipulative and can be cruel at times. He has broken up with me more times than I can count and I have, and always will take him back because I love him.
When he’s good, he’s great, best relationship I’ve ever had. When he’s bad, its really difficult, I would never let someone use mental illness as an excuse for anything they do to me, but I do give him some leeway in that sense. When he says nasty things, or actively tries to find someone new, I remind myself how amazing he is when he’s stable, which is most of the time.
A lot of people would argue that I should’ve left him a long time ago… Luckily for him, I see enough good in him to stick around. That’s why I stay.

In solidarity with other mentally ill people, @imgr8, let me say thank you for being so loyal to your boyfriend. It takes a special person to put up with the kind of shit we can dish out. My wife put up with me. She shouldn’t have, but she did, and I am grateful. She has helped keep me alive. I really appreciate it. And I appreciate what you do for your man, too.