How can a friend of mine get her son to get a job?

Motivation comes from within. If the son isn’t motivated to get a job, then it is up to his mother to ‘inspire’ him to do so. Her inspiration to the son be to charge him rent or ask him to move out. She may not need the money, but her son needs to learn to be self-sufficient.

She can’t. You can’t change someone else. She can, however, kick him out and not enable him. He might go live on someone else’s couch, but he doesn’t have to live on her couch.

I agree with the above. Give him an ultimatum and stick to it.

Basically, your friend is an enabler. She is not helping her son by not showing ‘tough love’, which is not very easy for a lot of mother’s to do.

As long as his Mother enables him to be not motivated, he will continue the way he is going. If he has no shame now, it will not come from an external source. And make no mistake, his mother is a big part of the problem. She may complain a lot, but has she given him the boot? Does she nag him while at the same time bringing him his breakfast? Does she gripe while doing his laundry? Do you see a pattern emerging here Scully?

She needs to get serious about making him look. She needs to say, “Son, you have 30 days to get a job. At the end of 30 days, you have to move out.”

She is enabling him to stay at home not working.

She can’t make him do anything. He’s an adult, technically. She can refuse to let him keep mooching off her though. If it were me, I’d give him an ultimatum. Get a job in 1 month, or he’s on his own. Seriously, at 25, this situation is really pathetic.

Does he want to get a job? Is it possible he’s depressed?

As an alternative to laying down the law, perhaps she could ask him what he wants out of life. Not as an accusation but presented as an “I’d like to help you get past this stage” sort of way.

Maybe he wants to be an architect but has no idea how to even start, maybe he’d like to move away and start fresh but just doesn’t know what options are available.

His instruction manual ran out at some point (probably when he got fired at 20-something) and she has the life experience to help him get back on track. If it needs to be laid out as “you have 30 days” then at least they both know what the goal is for that time.

A 90 day plan is probably more realistic, if he found a job today, he might have a check in 30 days, he might not. It would be difficult to find a place to live and put a deposit down within 30 days if he’s starting from $0. She’d essentially be obligated by her own ultimatum to help and that’s probably not the best way to start his road to independence and rebuilding her trust in him.

btw, not saying tough love isn’t called for here, just that I don’t know either party and this may be a more digestible alternative, with a greater possible reward for all involved

It’s understandable that she doesn’t want to just kick him to the curb; that’s got to be a hell of a tough thing for any mother to do… even the ones who have done it.

But she can turn up the heat with more subtlety than that.

She should start by giving him a list of chores: taking out the trash, vacuuming, dusting, laundry, shopping and meal planning, cooking and cleaning up afterward, lawn and driveway maintenance, routine mechanical maintenance around the house (she should have a long list prepared for each weekend), running out for a quart of milk at odd times of the day or night (whether she really needs the errand run or not). You get the idea. She will, too.

He might end up so terribly unmotivated that he accedes to everything without complaint. She may learn to enjoy the live-in cheap maid service. Either way, things will change, and probably for the better. Because he may get tired of doing all of this “for mom”, and decide to do it for “a girlfriend” instead.

I’m with @CyanoticWasp! Give him a list of things needed done around the house and tell him aloud that those things are fairly expected in lieu of rent and contribution to grocery bills. This is great experience for him to learn and get used and appreciate what it takes to keep up a household, be it for himself, he and a partner or right there with mom and brother. Forever more he’ll have empathy for homemakers and probably feel his life was simpler when he had a job outside the home.

He could always be a house-husband…or be kept… or maybe he’s disabled in some way… its his choice and life to ruin.

Start be removing the gaming system and televisons from the house for awhile. Put them in storage. Remove the data plan from his cell phone, and change the internet password.

I like @BarnacleBill‘s idea. I wouldn’t go so far as to remove the TV’s or computers but I’d put passwords on them and not give them to the slacker son. As far as I know, password required access can be set for cable TV, internet, Xbox, Netflix, etc. We don’t have cable TV at our house so if you try to watch “free” TV then you’re pretty sol. What else would a slacker be doing if not working? I imagine he’d get pretty damn bored quickly. I sure hope your friend isn’t giving her son cash for anything like cigarettes, his own celly service, his car’s insurance, gas, etc. grrr.
In my opinion, any adult child should be helping their parents if at all possible and not the other way around.

Do not allow him any privileges outside of food and a bed. No computer, no telephone, no visitors. I even suggest no privacy, such as take the door off the bedroom, or make him sleep on a cot in the living room or similar.

Make him leave the house during job hunting hours, from 8 to 5 every day.

Make him do as much of the housework/yard work as possible.

@most sounding a little vindictive how many of you have ever had a slump in life…. would you make a person in a coma work his fair share? how would you feel in this other side of the situation.. seeing the economy the way it is?

@talljasperman, My old department laid off 100 of 150 people. Within 6 months, all but 3 have found positions. Most have better jobs than what they had before, but almost all are doing something new, in a different field. Several people went into business for themselves; others had to reassess the marketability of what they had been doing and reinvent themselves.

The scenery does not change if you sit still.

@BarnacleBill Did they have work experience and marketable skills, or were they looking for entry-level jobs?

@talljasperman: I was laid off with no permanent job for exactly 12 mos. and in that time I took two on-call “entry level” jobs, worked an average of 70hrs a week and made do. It can be done. I’m sorry but in America if you’re a male under 40yrs old and physically mobile then there’s no excuse not to be able to find a job or two or three, no degree necessary.