I think it’s pretty bad and if I were to open a book and read this I would probably put the book down or, in lieu of that, continue to read for a laugh.
sticky, sweltering vast, rocky, cedar-lined northern northwestern atmospheric wild energetic red and green dance of orgasmic release dark waters tiny travelers from the Sun make love to the outermost inhabitants of the Earth in glorious auroral ecstasy I’m done
Neither ‘sticky’ nor ‘sweltering’ nor their nearly redundant combination describes August in an original way.
‘Vast… expanse’ is also redundant. Who would mistake ‘expanse of beach’ for something narrow or limited?
One does not gaze downward into the sky. One pretty much always gazes upward when one is looking at the sky. So ‘upward’ is also unnecessary.
How can atoms ‘smash with’ electrons and also ‘collide with’ electrons? (What does it mean to ‘smash with’ something? Did the author mean ‘smash into’? If so, why say ‘smash into’ when ‘collide with’ is already there?)
@bob_ is very right about ‘energetic electrons’. This is where I kind of laughed and where it became manifest that the author simply attached adjectives almost thoughtlessly to nouns that didn’t need adjectival description in the first place. Similarly with ‘wild’: are electrons ever tame? How does ‘electrons’ benefit from these modifiers?
So we have atoms and electrons ‘smashing with’ and ‘colliding with’ and now ‘erupting’ into a ‘dance of red and green orgasmic release,’ which to be honest sounds like a hell of a Christmas party and not at all like something a reader is supposed to take seriously.
It’s all over once the author writes ‘tiny travelers from the Sun,’ mostly because the overblown scene she’s just attempted to paint is immediately diminished. Undermined. Rendered kind of laughable. To call electrons ‘tiny travelers’ is just cloying. The same for ‘outermost inhabitants of the Earth,’ although less so, and even ‘make love’ is vapid compared to the cosmic and somewhat scientific language of the earlier part.
In general the use of adjectives is very amateurish. One cannot simply list them before their noun. It’s repetitive: ‘sticky, sweltering’ whatever; ‘vast, rocky, cedar-lined’ whatever; ‘wild energetic’ whatever; et cetera. This paragraph looks like an almost arbitrary list of adjectives, sterilely put in a series and separated with commas before having uninteresting nouns dropped in. It is allowable to say something like ‘The rocky expanse of beach was lined with cedars,’ instead of piling up modifiers in front of ‘beach’.
I think the author has just like thrown the prose onto the page. The method evident in this paragraph is tactless and overly direct and it kind of bludgeons me with curiously sexualized images. In the end I don’t know whether to laugh or to masturbate. Which for all we know is what the woman on the beach is doing, considering how she rather rudely and voyeuristically spectates this whole cosmic Christmas fuckfest thing.