Words you don't want to hear when your baby is about to be delivered?

The scariest words in the English language: “Uh oh.”

From father to mother: Could you hurry this up, the game starts in an hour.

Wow, I’ve never seen anything like that before!

If you give it one big push I will still be able to make my tee time!

“Hold on a second, I gotta tweet this.”

As I type my sister is in labor!

Father: See, that wasn’t as painful as people make it sound like it’s going to be.

@SuperMouse A happy coincidence if ever there was one. Good luck to her :¬)

“Anyone have any idea what this means?” (from a doctor looking at an indicator on one of the monitors).

@CyanoticWasp Why that’s the machine that goes ping! Naturally so.

Horrible joke ahead:

What did the Chinese man want to name his son when he came out with dark skin and frizzy hair?

Sum-Ting-Wong

Trampoline

“Honey, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” she said. “We need to talk.”

“Quick, go get Dr. Smith. He has got to see this!”

Dolphin-assisted-birth

Um… what the hell is that?
as spoken by Dr. Nick Riviera

“Are you sure you want me to take pictures? Your hair looks awful.” (BIL to sister.)

Speaking of “you’ve got to see this”, I found it quite amusing how quickly modesty went out the door after labor started. Generally women try to keep that part of their anatomy under wraps and husbands get a little annoyed at anybody even trying to sneak a peek. However, when you hit the delivery room you quickly find yourself calling down the hall for complete strangers to come in your room and stick their hand in in places previously jealously guarded as private and give their opinions on how things are going!

“Why does it have a tail?”

@mYcHeMiCaLrOmAnCe, the pediatrician did say that when our oldest daughter was born. She had a little piece of skin in her butt crack that was a vestage of a tail.

@BarnacleBill really?

Husband to wife: Guess what, honey, I’ve decided I don’t want to be a father.

That’s where Mickey Rooney’s hiding out & look, Danny Devito too. Those pesky little mites :¬)

‘The baby isn’t coming down for some reason….....we’re going to have to give you an IV drug to make your contractions harder and more painful’

(this happened to me… I delivered a ‘star gazer’) They had to cut me and put a suction cup on his head. The suction cup contraption was something Terry Guilliam drew with chains.

“Well, I guess we solved the whole Jimmy Hoffa thing . . .”

“Has anyone talked to you about herpes?”

Doctor to father : “Sheesh your wife has a big pussy….big pussy….pussy….pussy! Listen to that echo.”

“Man, I just loooove me some blow!! Alright, who’s ready to get this party started?!”

@mYcHeMiCaLrOmAnCe, really. It was a little bump of skin about 1” x ¼” at the top of her butt crack. You couldn’t see it unless you spread her butt cheeks apart. It never really grew, so it wasn’t like we had to worry about an actual tail developing, Your coccyx (“tailbone”) is the remnant of a vestigial tail.

“OH EM GEE, Where’s the head?”

“She has to come out now” while they’re holding a suction device.

And then when they’re out, hearing nothing, (no crying baby, no doctor’s exclamations.) Nothing but feet running away with the baby…

Happened with my sister. Her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck.
Now she’s fine though! : )

Honey, why isn’t he moving?

So, have you figured out who the father is yet?

After learning that his new born baby is missing all limbs, torso and much of its head the father looks down at his new born son who is just a large ear lying in the cot.

The doctor looks sorrowfully at the grief stricken father and says “I’m afraid it is even worse than it appears. Your son is unfortunately completely deaf”.

Here comes the head, and an arm… and another arm… and another head…

The wife of a friend of mine was quite upset when the doctor accidentally gave her an episiotomy on her rectum.

IN that circumstance you never want to hear “whoops” from anyone in the room.

“Whoa! A penis and a vagina.”

I’m leaving you… for the nurse; she doesn’t have stretch marks… you can get home on your own can you?

Isn’t that the cutest, furriest little puppy you’ve ever seen?

Why does the baby look like Denzel Washington, Kunal Nayyar or George Takei (when mom and “pop” both look like Uma Thurman)?

Why is my girlfriend calling my cellphone? (This is the dad asking this question)

Who da baby daddy?

You won’t be posting this footage on Facebook will you Mr. McPherson (asked by the mother of her father in law)?

How many does this make, 9?

Honey, I’m so glad I was able to make it back from Iraq for the birth. It seems like it’s been an eternity? What’s it been ? A year and a half?

Are those fins I see on the ultrasound?

Wereza best place fuh me ta set up the live video feed, doll? (Asked by the father in law to the mother).

Now dis ain’t nuttin’ any a duh boyz seen on skype afore, eh babe? (Asked by the husband)

Do you have insurance?

It’s coming out, but which end is that?

@filmfann How could an appeasomoty be an accident? Our doctor did the same thing to my wife, but it was quite deliberate. In fact, I have this little sarcastic voice in my head that I cant seem to get to shut the “F” up sometimes. When she went snip that little voice in my head said to me (I kid thee not):

“Hey, I’m not done with that yet!”

Quick, get the chainsaw.

@YoBob I wasn’t there, but as I understand it, she had it coming.

This reminds me of a vignette that I saw once. The doctor was holding the baby one minute and a bundle of towels the next. The audience is fed a series of indicators suggesting that the kid has made it out the door and is heading for the main entrance, but nobody can actually find her. Everybody is panicking.
The camera cuts to the parents, Waldo (of Where’s Waldo) and Carmen nee` Sandiego.