Has anyone got a Christmas Joke?

The economy.

that is all.

Three men die on Christmas eve, to get into heaven St Peter says “you must each of you have in your possession something that represents Christmas”..

The English man quick as a flash, wipes out his lighter, flicks it on & say’s “it’s a Christmas candle”!

St Peter says “let him pass”. so the Englishman enters heaven.

The Welshman pulls out a set of keys & starts to jingle & jangle them about & says “ these are Christmas bells ringing”.

St Peter says “let him pass”. so the Welshman enters heaven.

The Irishman, looking a little lost for a minute, wipes out his 10” penis.

St Peter, glaring at Paddy says “how the fuck does that represent Christmas”?

Paddy replies indignantly “it’s a fucking cracker isn’t it”!! :-/.....

Sorry for any upsets! :-/ Lol……..

What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite of course :¬) Just about the only “clean” joke I know.

@iamthemob GA now what about an amusing Christmas joke LOL
@Scooby Naughty, naughty, but very amusing, thanks
@ucme Come on I just know you can do better than that :))

@partyparty

Lol…;-0

ya welcome!!.....

@partyparty touche…;-)

Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any kids?

Cause he only comes once a year!

How does King Wenceslas like his pizza…?

Deep and crisp and even!!!

A little boy visited Santa at at the department store, who asked him, “What would you like for Christmas?” The boy said, “A $*#%@#$ swing set!” Santa replied, “You’ll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you any presents. Let’s try again. What else would you like?”

The boy responded, “A $*#%@#$ sandbox for the side yard!” Santa said, “That’s no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?”

The boy thought for a minute, and then said, “I want a $*#%@#$ trampoline in the front yard!” Santa had had enough, and lifted the boy off his lap. He went to talk to the boy’s parents. After telling them what he said, he told them, “I know how to stop it. Don’t get him anything for Christmas except dog poop. Put a pile in the backyard where he wants the swing set, put another pile where he wants the sandbox, and another pile where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune.”

On Christmas morning, the boy went open his presents, but didn’t find any under the tree. He went out the back door, looked around, then the side door, looked around, and then the front door and looked around. He finally came back in, shaking his head, stumped.

His father asked him, “What’s wrong, son?” The boy replied, “Santa brought me a $*#%@#$ dog, but I can’t find him!”

What do a priest & a xmas tree have in common?
They’re balls are just for decoration

What do female reindeer do when santa takes out the male reindeer on christmas eve?
They go into town & blow a few bucks

An elderly woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”

A boy sends a Christmas letter telling Santa Claus ‘Send me a Brother’. Santa Cluas replies: ‘SEND ME YOUR MOTHER.’ ;)

Three blondes were walking home crying telling their moms Santa called them ‘Hoe hoe hoe.’

“The Story of How the Angel Got On Top of the Christmas Tree”

One morning close to Christmas, Santa woke up late, with a bit of a hangover and in a bad mood. He went down to breakfast to find that Mrs. Claus had left him lukewarm, bitter coffee, a sour grapefruit and burned toast before she went off shopping. He decided that things had to be better in the barn, so off he went.

Upon entering the barn, he found that half the reindeer had the trots and the other half were talking to a therapist about their fear of flying. So off Santa goes to the workshop.

In the workshop he finds broken toys, leftover beer bongs from the previous night’s party and a bunch of the elves talking about forming a union.

Discouraged, he decides he’s going to go back to bed for a while and start over. As he went back to the house, a perky, happy, smiley angel comes running up to him, dragging behind her a Christmas tree. She asks ever so brightly, “Santa! Santa! Look at the beeeeeyouutiful Christmas tree I found! Where should I put it?”

So he told her.

A man, wearing only a bathrobe, bends over the Christmas tree to pick up a present.

His young son looks up the robe and asks, “Hey Dad! Who’s getting the bagpipes?”

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.

“That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

@sakura Love it, thanks!!
@aprilsimnel LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
@ucme That’s more like it :))
@sunny2 Ha ha ha!!
@Luiveton Great joke thanks
@tedibear Lovely thanks!!
@AmWiser Thanks so very much for those. Put a smile on my face :))))))

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn’t for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation’s capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

http://www.indecisionforever.com/2010/12/20/snl-christmastime-in-washington-d-c/

@BoBo1946 Love them, thanks so much :)))))

Glad you enjoyed them MsP!

Santa Claus is doing a rural delivery. Suddenly the reindeer veer and land on a small outbuilding. Santa Claus exclaims: “Whoa, I said the Schmidt house”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8LmMtScH3g