Flutherites, can you help me figure out why I am ruining a good relationship over this?

Oh, and I forgot to mention, the absolute scariest moment of her “everyone is innocent, don’t worry” attitude was when she left my daughter alone in her stroller across the store in the middle of New Orleans, because who would take a baby?

Part of me wants to say if you love each other, you should stand by each other no matter what. OTOH, if she’s that stupid and naive, you’re headed for financial and/or legal disaster down the line. But I think you already know this. Only you can decide what to do…

Probably because you find that you don’t respect this quality of hers, and it’s not fun to not respect your partner (nor is it fun for the partner that isn’t respected). It’s also a bit dangerous for your baby, and as a caring and protective parent, you’re trying to do right by your baby girl.

I don’t think this is actually that small a problem. If you can’t trust her with your daughter, and you don’t respect her, then there really isn’t much of a future for you two.

You’re ruining a good relationship because it isn’t a good relationship. I don’t know what you like about this woman, but it sounds like she was locked in the toilet the day they were giving brains out. It’s dangerous if she doesn’t think well enough to keep a child safe. Do you really want this woman in your life?

Sigh.

Besides her stupidity, she is a very loving and caring woman. She will do almost anything to please me, and she really loves my daughter. And I’ve been sort of changing her mind about the fact that everyone is good by calling her on her shit when her coworkers make fun of her and she says “They were just playing”, and showing her articles about people who kidnap babies to rape them then kill them (in particular, the recent article about the 3 year old girl who walked down the aisle next to the one her mom was in, and a pervert grabbed her and started raping her right in the store). And she hasn’t done anything completely stupid with the baby for a long time, because I’ve gotten it through her head that you don’t get second chances with a baby. Once a baby is seriously hurt or killed, that is all. The worst she’s done recently with my daughter is added sugar to her vegetables or let her walk around the house with her toothbrush… stuff that I can life with.

Her blissful ignorance of how the world works revolves mostly around buying the medicine for herself that says “ancient japanese remedy” on the box instead of looking at the amount of pain killer in the active ingredients, or buying the new brand of tampons just because the wrappers are colorful. These things are still really annoying, and waste money, but it’s never a huge amount of money and it’s still something I can fake a grin about a move on with my life.

I know you all know that you are only getting one side of the story here. I mean, this girl moved across the country to be with me (we knew each other off and on through visits to my family in New York, even though I live in Louisiana), dropped everything she had going for her to come be a part of my family. She was ignorant from the beginning; I told her that once the baby was born it was going to be hard, but she told me that if I look at things in a negative way, it was going to be negative. So she never read the baby books or learned about parenting in any way, and still to this day she barely picks up a piece of literature about child rearing – but I am sure to pass on all important information to her, which gets a bit old too. She sacrifices a lot for us – she is working while I am going to school, and of course, most of her paycheck goes to the baby and paying our bills. When we aren’t fighting, we’re usually having a good time, joking and laughing and cuddling and all that good stuff.

I guess I just feel annoyed that for most of the day I’m talking to a 1 year old, then she gets home and it’s like talking to a 7 year old sometimes.

@stemnyjones Yeah, but do you really want to wait until something really bad happens? I’m sorry, but love just isn’t always enough – you need trust and respect and some amount of common sense.

Sounds to me like you could stand by her for a while longer, urge her to make more intelligent choices, and lead by example. It might take some time, but if she did that for you, change her life for you, you should probably stand by her and help her grow…

This girl is a CSI episode waiting to happen. Forget about her, protect your daughter so she doesn’t end up in a co-starring role.
How does this qualify as a “good” relationship. It sounds like a distinct disparity if intelligence levels. An unequal relationship is doomed. If you are not able to respect her, and I can see that you are not, you have no solid foundation. This crap about “love will conquer all” is a load of horseshit.
You cannot change her and eventually this relationship is going to come to an end. Try to make a clean beak now before she is the unwitting cause of pain to one that you love. All her innocence will not protect her from your hatred then. And you will come to hate her.

@HungryGuy That’s how I feel, except that like I said, it’s getting really hard for me to hold my tongue when she says stupid shit. I know that part of it is that I am supposed to be on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, but since I don’t have insurance, I’m medicine-free for the first time in a very long time. I’m working on fixing that, and I have a feeling that once my mood is stabilized, we will get along a lot better.

@papayalily For the time being, I make sure that nothing really bad is going to happen. If she is going to go out alone with the baby, which is rarely ever since I’m home most of the time, I go over everything she needs to remember with her. Don’t let the baby walk around, she needs to keep her in the stroller or shopping cart. Don’t let strange people touch her or hold her. Don’t leave her in the car while you run in somewhere. I do have enough trust in her that I don’t think she would leave the baby in the car, but I feel like, just to be sure, I should remind her.

Honestly, like I said to HungryGuy, I think a lot of it comes from the fact that I have been on anti-depressants and anxiety medication for years, but I don’t have insurance currently so I’m going without them. I feel like if I had the medication I need, I wouldn’t have such awful mood swings with her, and I could let it go when she leaves a diaper on top of the couch, or something else that doesn’t directly cause harm to anyone. And I know for a fact that its gotten to the point where she stresses herself out trying to think of everything that could possibly piss me off when I’m with her and the baby, so part of the reason that she makes stupid mistakes in front of me is because she’s trying too hard.

So a lot of the trust issues and disrespect comes from my lack of medication, I think. And she’s been through so much with me, I really want to help her rather than just abandon her with nowhere to go. I’m not so much worried about my daughter as much as I was when she was a baby, because most of the shit that my girlfriend never caught on to aren’t a factor anymore, and honestly, she is going into daycare in a couple of weeks and I will be the one dropping her off and picking her up.

I know she has intelligence hidden somewhere in there. When it comes to things she is passionate about, like food/cooking or astronomy, she knows shit that I don’t even know. Every once in a while something will pop out of her mouth that is highly intelligent. And a lot of times she has admitted that she knows someone is wrong (like the examples with her cousin and her mom), but she just really, really wants to believe that they are nice people. I have to admit, her caretakers who raised her were all really fucked up and manipulating people, so it’s not entirely her fault that she’s so naive and trusts everyone. She’s been told to trust everyone, no matter what they are doing, her entire life.

I really want to give it time and keep working through her problems, and she is very open to the idea and knows that she does stupid shit a lot, and knows on some level that it is wrong to just believe everything everyone tells you. She will admit it one day, but then when her friends are there telling her that Mcdonalds uses Grade A meat, she gets so sucked into trying to make everyone like her that she forgets that sometimes her friends are idiots.

I forgot to mention that. She stresses and stresses about trying to make everyone like her, to the point that she won’t stand up for herself if they are talking about her but instead just chooses to laugh it off, and she will agree to do things she doesn’t really want to do then just not answer the phone or the door because she wants so bad to never tell anyone no. She just got put on Prozac for shit like that, so hopefully that will stop soon.

Have you thought about couples counseling?

I can only see this getting worse. You might love her, but you don’t respect her. You look down on her because you really think she is stupid. Do you really want to be with someone that you have to tell every time she opens her mouth that she is wrong in her thinking, in her beliefs? This can’t be a good way to raise your child either. The child will not respect your partner either if she sees you talking down to your partner. You may think you are correcting her, but you are telling her how to think.

You are way smarter than her, what can I say. It will continue to drive you crazy. I am guessing it was cute at the beginning. She maybe seemed very innocent and trusting, and looked up to you and how smart you are. Might have given you an ego boost even. That is something you should think about. Do you frequently surround yourself with people who are less intelligent? Maybe you are accustomed to having to be the one to take care of things, instead of being able to rely on others,

@JLeslie There is a certain allure to be the “parent” in a relationship, but it gets tiring after a while (awhile?).

If it were me, I would rethink the relationship with the girlfriend. If not now, soon, one day you are going to want to dump her.

She is who she is. She is not going to change. Can you look into the future and see yourself dealing with her forever?

You’ve been with her how long? And you see these few moments of brilliance and then the rest. You have to remind her not to leave your daughter in the car???? She’s a seven-year-old?

It feels to me like you think you’ve got two children, and you make the older one sound like she’s born with some kind of mental problem. I don’t like it. Are you doing a rescue operation here? This does not feel like an equal relationship. There could be many reasons for that but they all suggest issues from childhood that have left an indelible print on your present.

You’ve brought her to NOLA from somewhere far away and feel responsible for her. This is a noble thing. And you get companionship and sweet acceptance, and she makes your life comfortable and in some ways, you trust her—probably to not screw you over like so many others have. And so you don’t want to be like one of those people who screw over others, and yet she is driving you batty.

Sounds like she’s got deep issues, too. Fear of being abandoned. Fear of disaster if she crosses anyone. The world is a dangerous place for her (I’d hate to hear what she’s been through) and so her way of protecting herself is to like everyone and part of liking everyone is not thinking anyone is mean and never contradicting anyone.

I really admire your loyalty. I worry that you may not be able to stand her for the long term. At some point, it’ll just get too much for you, and you’ll blow up, and hurt her feelings so badly she won’t trust you again. She’ll excuse you, but I don’t know if she’ll trust you after that.

I think I agree that counseling for both of you could help. Perhaps couples counseling as well. Or maybe a support group. If you really want to make it with her a long time, you have a lot of work to do. You can blame it on being unmedicated and surely some of your reaction has to do with that, but just because you’re depressed or anxious or whatever, doesn’t mean that what you are reacting to isn’t real.

I did a lot of shit when I was manic, but there was a lot of shit in our relationship, too. It wasn’t just me. We had a lot of work to do. We still do. But that’s the way it is. If we’re both trying, it means a lot. We know we might not make it, but we know for sure we won’t make it if we make excuses and sweep it under the carpet. You guys have to be able to talk about this stuff. If you can’t, then I’ll buy a bunch of put options on your relationship.

That is pretty much exactly the way my ex wife was. She is now my ex wife.

@wundayatta You said it all.
My heart is in two minds here. I can see the sweetness of somebody who really wants to believe that the world is a beautiful place and the frustration of the one who has to constantly live with constantly being the wet blanket.

Unlike some of the other jellies here, I don’t read your question as disrespect for her. I can see you trying to be fair in showing her perspective, but of course you can’t entirely. If she were really a dumb-bunny you wouldn’t have entered the relationship and taken it where you have. I read love and concern in your words and if that’s true, it is worth the work. Maybe she came into your life to give you an opposing and more positive viewpoint. Hers might be off the chart of what you consider reasonable but maybe you worry too much and you need that to balance you?

I hope you can meet in the middle. There are many worse things I’ve seen as relationship foundations than “joking and laughing and cuddling and all that good stuff”,

Am I correct that you’re not the baby daddy? The timing seemed a bit off. Your lady friend seems a bit immature. You picked her, why?

If your’e not the father and you’re not married to this woman. I would suggest that you leave now and find someone more suitable to you and not give this poor child the impression that youare actually the daddy. Wish the mother good luck.

@Kardamom How did you get that impression? Everywhere, the OP refers to “my daughter”

That woman sounds stupid and annoying, but no one deserves to be in a relationship with someone who thinks s/he’s stupid and annoying. Even if you’re right, and she IS stupid and annoying.

Do her a favor and move on.

@Kardamom , @stemnyjones is female. The baby is her daughter.

Other than that, I think I’m with @Blueroses here. You love her or you wouldn’t have had her around this long. Also, I think she’s able to be helped and taught. It sounds like her background is kind of screwy, too. Only you can decide how much time and effort you want to put into helping her to grow.

I think some of this is a natural consequence of three factors: first, your relationship has hit the 18 month mark, and at that point in a lot of relationships it becomes “fish or cut bait.” The newness of the relationship has worn off, and you’re down to the day-to-day of life. The drastically different approaches to life that you have to life are apparent.

Secondly, having a child matures you when you accept the responsibility for a small person’s life. If you’re an analytical person, it’s innate to look ahead and see danger lurking all the places it can lurk. It’s not that she’s stupid, it’s that she just doesn’t see it.

Thirdly, having a child and the responsibility for a child has probably changed you, but she hasn’t changed along with you. Because this isn’t her child, the bonding is not the same, even though she loves your daughter. You see this in a lot of heterosexual couples as well; some men’s bonding with the baby sometimes takes longer, or doesn’t happen at all. Not to say that they don’t love their children, but the sense of responsibility is not the same.

she is a very loving and caring woman. She will do almost anything to please me, and she really loves my daughter. From this statement, it sounds like part of the attraction with the relationship is that she puts you first. This can be flattering, and in a relationship where it’s just the two of you, it’s easy to overlook, because you are focused on the relationship, and it comes first. Her caring that much about you is helpful to how you feel about yourself. You can manage/ignore her naivete when it’s just you.

It’s unfair and unreasonable to expect the other person in a relationship to change their core being. That leaves your choices to you re-learning how you managed the relationship before you had your daughter, or ending the relationship.

@Blueroses I thought the baby was his until I read this passage—Then, more recently, when we are looking into daycares, she goes without me one day, then comes back and says about one of them, “They said that they don’t release kids to the fathers no matter what, so we are safe!” I kindly explain to her that, by law, if he shows proof that the baby is his, since we do not have any specific custody arrangements or a restraining order, he can call the cops and they will be forced to give her over to her dad Then I figured that there must be a different baby daddy than the OP. I might be wrong about that though.

@Kardamom The OP is a woman. She has a girlfriend that the question is about.

@chyna Thank you for pointing that out to me. Did I miss that somewhere in the question itself? I’ve re-read it a few times and didn’t see any reference to the OP being a woman, and I couldn’t tell by the name or the avatar. sorry if I missed it in the question itself

I still think the OP should leave the girlfriend. The girlfriend sounds like a dunce and a danger to the child.

@Kardamom I only figured it out myself when she talked about the father being able to get the daughter from day care. I think it’s in her 7th paragraph down.

I get the impression that you think she’ll change. She won’t. It’ll get nothing but worse for you. Things that just annoy the crap out of you now will be utterly intolerable a few years from now. Honestly, I’d get out now. I have a theory that the younger a child is when parents split, the less traumatic it is. I could be wrong, but those are my thoughts.

This is so sad… Right now she is working and putting you through school, taking care of your child.
This difference can become more of a wedge than religious beliefs, spending habits or drug use. It will not get better. You will be come more and more resentful. Please don’t take advantage of her. If you are going to end it, do it respectufully.
So sad… I feel for both of you.

Another thing that comes to mind….when you call it “this,” as in “Why am I ruinining a good relationship over this” one would expect to see some little quirk, like never putting her dishes in the dishwasher or something. You can nag that out of a person! However, the “this,” in this case sounds to me like it’s her entire personality….if she’s not real bright, no amount of bitching and nagging can ever change it.

@stemnyjones “Besides her stupidity, she is a very loving and caring woman. She will do almost anything to please me, and she really loves my daughter.” – she sounds like a nice aunt, not your lover. You know what you need to do. It won’t be easy, but it must be done. You don’t respect her as your equal (which is fine) but it won’t get any better.

I’m confused over something….You have a one year old daughter, and you’ve been with this woman for 1½ years. Something does not compute….

@Dutchess_III They are both women, in a relationship. The OP isn’t the father, she’s the baby’s biological mother.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir True, but when did the male slip in? Daughter is one year old, the women have been dating 1 and a half years.

@chyna Um, not that it matters, but I suppose during the couple of months before they began dating. Baby is 1, yes, but pregnancy lasts 9+ months with conception occuring even earlier.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir You are right, it doesn’t matter, it just seemed foggy to me.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m aware that we’re talking about two women. The 1 year old baby and the 1½ year relationship still has me confused. If she got pg the same day they met, that would be right at 1.5 years years ago. And, having gone through the entire pregnancy together, as well as the birth, the baby would be considered “theirs” not just “hers” in many ways—if they’re in a serious relationship. There are a lot of things about this post that are foggy!

@Dutchess_III I too, was somewhat confused about that too. Is the father in the picture at all or was the baby conceived through a sperm bank? If there is a father, that’s just one more picture to this whole puzzle. It still sounds like the girlfriend (not the baby’s mother) is not a good mother role model and it will just get worse. The girlfriend, although she may be sweet and nice, is just not at the same maturity level as the mother and they should probably end their romantic relationship before some harm comes to the child and/or the child becomes too attched to the girlfriend.

@Dutchess_III I don’t find any of that relevant and foggy if in the eyes of the beholder, I guess. The OP will share more details if she feels like it. I feel I was given enough to make a call about their relationship. Besides, a break up doesn’t mean her GF would be out of the baby’s life.

@Kardamom I agree with everything you said. Get her out of their lives ASAP. I wouldn’t let that GF watch my baby for 5 minutes alone.
From what I can glean from her ramblings, the father may actually be an issue, because the GF went to some daycare and swore that they told her ”....They said that they don’t release kids to the fathers no matter what, so we are safe!” ” Which is redonkerous, of course. Yeah, I see serious problems ahead.

@Dutchess_III I agree with you that the father may pose some type of problem too because the GF seemed worried about him possibly gaining access to the child.

Maybe the OP could shed some light on whether the father is in the child’s life and whether he could pose a potential problem.

And I agree with you that the GF should not be left alone to babysit the child. She sounds like she doesn’t have much of a clue about anything. Although, she does sound sweet, but sweetness alone does not make for being a good parent (or parent-like person).

If the OP really loves the GF, she could still break up with her, not have a romantic relationship, but keep her as a good friend, but not allow her to be in charge (in any way) of the child.

I don’t know that could really happen, being friends afterward. But…it depends on the people involved.
I seriously get the impression that the GF is a convenience for the OP, and that’s just not fair to anyone, especially the baby.

@Dutchess_III I think you’re right about the GF being a convenience. And that is definitely not right or fair to anyone, but it’s also a safety issue for the child.

Sorry guys. Life gets busy.

I kind of skimmed through everyone’s answers.

We are still together and working on things. She has matured in a lot of ways, and has been much more careful with the baby. I am also more careful about when and where she is alone with the baby in the meantime, but we are starting couples counseling soon, and i have been recommended a program called Family Tree that, as I understand, helps with problems just like this – communication, being aware of the baby’s needs, and learning to cooperate and coparent effectively.

As far as the question on the paternity of the child, I am a lesbian who was raped by someone I trusted. My current girlfriend entered the picture a few months before Alyssa was born. The father has moved to New Orleans and is as out of the picture as he will be at this time, as he doesn’t see her at all but texts me at least twice a week to ask how she is doing.

@stemnyjones Thanks for the update…

I thought this question and the one about the girlfriend with the thumbtacks and the blanket over the window sounded familiar.

I’m going to go with my original thought, that the girlfriend sounds like a dunce, and has no concept about how to properly care for a child. It doesn’t matter how much she claims to love you or the child, she’s a dunce and is a danger to your child. Break up with her now, before the poor child bonds with her too much. Either that, or get into extensive couples counseling and parenting classes. Anything short of that, and YOU are just as guilty of child endangerment as your dunce of a girlfriend.

What Q about the thumbtacks and the blanket over the window @Kardamom?

@Kardamom Trust me, that thought runs through my head a lot – that if she doesn’t get a grip, I am putting Alyssa in danger by letting her take care of her. This is the reason why she’s not allowed to bring Alyssa anywhere unless I’m there, unless it’s to the doctor or day care. She isn’t allowed to bring Alyssa to the park or to walk down the street, because I know she can be careless.

We have a couples counseling appointment made, and we have been referred to Family Tree, like I said. But I do appreciate the blunt “tough love” answer you gave. I would hate if I was oblivious to the situation and no one told me otherwise.

@Dutchess_III I asked another question recently.