Secret loneliness and self-fulfilling prophecies. How can I overcome my anxiety?

It’s a great time in your life to make changes. Find a good therapist, and stick with it. Like a lot of things, it takes practice. I applaud your willingness to work for a better life for yourself.

Remember that it is ok
to be innocent. It’s ok to be nervous. But it’s not ok to never take risks. Talk to your friends, let them help you, otherwise why have friends?

You have the right to feel good about yourself. You weren’t rambling, don’t worry. And some nice boy will fancy you, just for who you are. Give yourself the chance to be loved.

PS it is not clear to me that anything is wrong with you, you’re shy, and generally speaking that’s rather attractive .

You try so hard to get out and be “normal” as others, that it cripples you.
You try so hard to meet guys yet you actually chases them

Stop trying to create opportunities and situations to meet guys.

In reality you do not have to do anything at all, Life has already put everything in place for you.

Did you beg your mommy to be born?

Allow Life to work out the situation and circumstance for you.

Stand back, observe and take each as they come.
If there is anything you need to do or say, you would know how,what and when, the moment is right.

That way you are in control…...

You are being yourself when, you look out for the best for others….

If it weren’t for a sudden burst of courage when I was 19, I would be in the exact same boat as you. True story. I think it has more to do with being able to calm the mind when you sense an opportunity to seize the moment. There is nothing wrong with you, the dating scene is messed up. One needs to shut out the noise for the seconds it takes to seize the moment. Remember who you are first. As some great sages of the ‘90’s used to say “Free your mind, and the rest will follow.” Granted, they might have been talking about something else with these lyrics, but it still fits. Kind of.

I’d definitely look into getting some therapy to help you overcome your fears and low self-esteem. There probably isn’t a thing in the world wrong with you except the anxiety. As someone who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks (though over different things), I can’t tell you how much of a difference therapy and medication has made in my life. I urge you to get the help you need so you can live your life to its fullest. Good luck!

I am a guy but I was very much like you with women until I was 28 and I met my wife so I don’t really have any answers. I am from the UK and we don’t go in for therapy nearly as much as people in the States do. Maybe we accept a broader range of what passes as ‘normal’ over here.

Having said that avoiding male cashiers in stores is taking it a bit far. That is one step you can take yourself. Don’t make a big deal out of it. If there is a male cashier available just go for it. This is a very controlled and formal situation designed to give you your purchase and your receipt.

You sound as if you lack confidence and have very low esteem. I can sympathise with that but you have as much right to be here and as much right to present your purchases to the cashier as any one else and I mean anyone, no matter how good looking, famous, rich or wealthy they may be. You accept that others have that right so you must accept it is your right as well.

I want to give you advice but I am not sure what to say. Don’t beat yourself up over this would be the first thing and I don’t think there is anything wrong with you would be the second. Maybe make a new Year Resolution to kiss someone in 2011. Don’t think of relationships, don’t worry about rejection just make that touching of lips an end in itself. From what you have said that will not be easy but good luck!

Are you anxious around men when you are with a girlfriend, or just when you are by yourself? Perhaps find a coffee shop or cafe where there are male waitstaff, baristas, etc., go with a friend several times, and get familiar with the surroundings and the staff. Then go by yourself. Make yourself comfortable in a particular public space where males are part of it.

It will be sort of like riding a roller coaster. The first time is a scary as hell. But if you immediately get back on a second time, it’s less scary because you know what to expect. The third time is even less scary.

Don’t worry about the dating part; you need baby steps first. Becoming comfortable talking with men in public is the first step to take.

Therapy would be of great help to you.

Lacking that, don’t think of all men as potential partners. Immerse yourself in places where there are men. Get to know male friends. Hang out with men. Get over your fear of them by surrounding yourself with them.

Also, consider the book Self Parenting. It is very good at making negative self talk conscious.

First off, just relax and don’t put so much focus on gender. Go out and watch males in social settings for a little bit. We don’t have a clue either. You avoid male cashiers, male waiters. etc. You’re putting way too much focus on gender. Therapy might not be a bad idea to find out why your focus is so intense.

You’re giving the idea of “men” power that it doesn’t deserve. what are you telling yourself that you’re scared of them? What do you think they’re going to do when you talk to them? What are you going to do when you work and your boss is a man? I’d fear that you’d give him too much authority over you because you are afraid.

It doesn’t matter where this low self-esteem started. What matters now is that it’s a bad habit, like smoking, and it has to be broken. Somehow, you have to learn to short circuit those thoughts that cause your anxiety. This is where therapy/meds come in.

Listen. Are you existing here on this earth at this moment? Then you are as much of a miracle of life as anyone else, male or female. Please know and remember that no matter what your mind tells you, NO ONE has it as together or is as perfect as you think they are just by looking at them. NO ONE.

Therapy is probably a good idea for you. What do you enjoy doing and could you join a group of friends were there are men and women and just sit together in a calm atmostphere and talk to everyone. If you can find yourself amoung just a few people and you can relax things will happen for you. And please know that you are as amazing as anyone and have so much to offer the world in general. We are very unique beings and very complicated and you have all of that going for you. If you truly want a relationship with a man you will and can find it but sometimes it takes not looking for it. Find someone online you can just talk back and forth with who is a man and doesn’t expect anything from you. I know there are plenty of men here that would enjoy getting to know you without any pressure to become an item. Good luck to you and if you wish I will talk with you I’m happily married but I can talk with you and allow you to discuss anything you wish.

Is there a cultural reason why you’re so uncomfortable around men? Are you from a middle eastern heritage where women are not allowed to socialize with men, so you’re in new territory here?

Thank you all so much for your responses. Thank you!
In the past I never thought therapy would be appropriate for me because there’s no incident or person that led to my fear, and maybe the therapist would think I’m exaggerating or something. I’m just at the point where I’m so frustrated with myself, and I never thought it would get this bad. So thank you for the idea. I may look into that.
Thank you all so much again. This isn’t a topic I like to think or talk about, and there’s something nice about getting it ‘out there’.

@BarnacleBill That’s an interesting idea. I’m definitely equally as uncomfortable around men when I’m with a girlfriend, but the anxiety is much much worse alone. And no, I’m from canada and don’t have any cultural or family background that would lend itself to issues like this. And the roller coaster image is craaaazy true. oh my!
@marinelife Thank you for the book recommendation – it looks incredibly helpful.
@flutherother Thank you so much for your advice! Despite that being my new years resolution for the past five years or so, I’ll really push it this year. Thank you.
@ZAGWRITER Thank you for your words, and I definitely thought about that quote a few times today. Gotta love that 90s wisdom!
@aprilsimnel Your answer was powerful and thought-provoking. The thought of a male boss completely terrifies me and is another reason why I need to smarten up and address this stuff sooner rather than later. Thank you!
@everephebe Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I was super down on myself last night and I was very thankful for them.