Do men still ask for their girlfriend's parents' permission to marry her?

I think people still do it, but rather than asking for permission (which really doesn’t have any bearing on whether you will marry or not) they will go to the parents and ask for their blessing or approval.

I think it’s a beautiful thing for the man to do! My ex husband did, and it earned him kudos all round. It SHOULD only be a formality though – my friend’s boyfriend asked her father, and he was so taken aback that he said “er, I don’t think it’s a good idea right now”... that was 3 years ago! They’re still not engaged now. An extreme situation, and admittedly very old fashioned parents in their case, but crikey!

I do think some people do it and some parents expect it. I wouldn’t, as a parent, expect it and would have thought my husband ridiculous if he asked my father before me. Now that he proposed, I don’t believe in that, either.

I was nowhere near asking, but I had planned to ask my most recent x’s father at some point (when things progressed that far). I still think I’ll ask the father of whoever it ends up being. But to be honest I’ve only ever been with maybe 2 girls I’d have honestly married…. so I haven’t got a lot of thought into it.

Some guys still do it. Especially in foreign cultures, but it is not mainstream.

I think it’s a lovely tradition. If I ever marry again, it will be a mandatory condition.

My daughters husbands asked my husband, but it is so strange these days. When I was young I never heard of planning when you will get engaged. It seems to me that the act of “planning” to get engaged is no different than being engaged. The only difference is that there is more preassure on the poor guys to come up with a spectacular proposal.

What a quaint custom that dates to when women were property and a man (potential groom) had to ask another man (the father) if he could take the piece of property. We seem to cherry pick (pun intended) from the assortment of customs available to us without regard for their historical implications.. I am amazed that any independent, adult woman would think it appropriate for her groom to ask her father’s permission.

Asking for her parent’s blessing is another matter altogether. I can get behind that, but the whole “permission” bit leaves me cold. Now that people (purportedly) marry for love rather than to combine fortunes and since most parents don’t have a dowry (now that women are allowed to work and all), it seems the permission-tradition could die a sweet death and I wouldn’t mourn it for a minute.

I have no idea how common it really is – but I know that I don’t want it. My father is an abusive, negligent fuck not really world’s greatest dad, so by asking for his approval/blessing, the guy would be saying that his opinion matters, which it doesn’t. Hopefully, by the time we got to that stage in our relationship, the guy would know that about me, though.
Plus, I find it insulting to me as a woman who isn’t property, so unless you’re going to ask both my parents, and I’m going to ask both your parents, you’re really just saying I’m a little woman who can’t think for herself…

In this part of the World, it’s a requirement. It’s an unwritten thing, but expected.

I know my parents would greatly appreciate it! My sister’s husband ask permission. I just feel it is a nice tradition and have no problem with it. I don’t see it as taking another man’s property as @Kayak8 mentioned (I know that was the initial sentiment), I see it now more of a courtesy to the parents that this man thinks enough of me to marry me and is letting that be known to my parents.

@BoBo1946 Which part of the world is that?

Deep South USA!

I don’t see it as an exchange of “property” either. It’s a way for the men in your life to bond and express their approval for each other (if you are fortunate to have a father you love). Males don’t often have an opportunity for emotional moments together.

I like the idea because I’m a bit old fashioned. :) But I don’t think it happens as much as I would like to see it.

My husband spoke to both of my parents. He didn’t ask permission, but he did want to make them aware of his intentions and, I’m sure, hoped for their approval.

Do any of you recall the Everyone Loves Raymond series where Rob asks for Amy’s hand from her parents and they just said NO. LOL You don’t have to have permission but it makes things much better.

It’s still fairly common practice among the families around here (a subrurb in Los Angeles County). I think it is, at least in part, due to cultural tradition.

My dad proposed to my mum. He didn’t ask her parents for their permission or blessing. He didn’t really need to though since they adored him.

My brother in law asked my dad. I feel like if I ask my bf to ask my parents about it first before asking me it’s putting double the pressure! LOL…but I’d feel like it’s a big relief that my parents would already know rather than me giving the big news. I hate announcing some news haha

nonono.

I can’t remember if my husband talked to my parents before he proposed. My sister’s fiance did ask for my parents’ blessing before proposing.

If you were to ask them and they said no, would it really stop you proposing? I doubt it. I personally won’t be asking permission if I ever propose.

My ex asked told my mom his intentions.
I was 16.
lolololololololololololol.

My husband and I eloped so he never did ask at least for my moms blessing. It took a long time before we were forgiven (actually may still not be forgiven. Just accepted as a matter of fact that nothing can change what was already done.). Nah, knowing my mom, she still keeps in in the file of unforgiveable crimes against her.
But she loves us none the less. Probably more upset at me than him.
I know I would like a heads up but it isn’t required. My daughter bought her boyfriend over the other day for the first time. She’s only done this once before. I think she thinks this is the one.
If he came and asked for our blessing, I would give it to him but honestly it really doesn’t matter.
The choice would be hers. He seems like a nice enough guy but only she and he know if its something that can work out.
Knowing my daughter she would find it romantic and he would just win more cool points.

I didn’t, because my partner isn’t chattel.

My husband asked my mom (because he knew I didn’t have a relationship with my dad). I thought it was sweet. I would have never told him that he should ask her. I think if a guy wants to do it, that’s up to them. If not, that is okay too. It’s definitely not something that everyone should have to do, in my opinion.

Yes, cultured men with class do. My daughter’s boyfriend came to me early in their relationship and told me he intended to marry her one day. Then before he asked her to marry, he talked to me. They may be rare, but they are still out there.

@perspicacious What makes it classy?

@perspicacious “cultured men with class do.” – there’s a value-laden statement if I’ve ever seen one, better go to tell my husband he’s an uncultured neanderthal who should have asked my ragey sexist racist abusive excuse for a dad for my hand in marriage ‘cause dad was a real man.

I asked my first wife’s parents for her hand in marriage… You’ll note, by my use of “first wife” that we’re still happily married and so that obviously worked out great.~

@JeanPaulSartre But was it the asking her parents for her hand in marriage that ended the two of you?

@papayalily He said they were still married.

@perspicacious No, he used the sarcasm tilde.

@papayalily Of course not, but it didn’t positively effect the relationship either – basically a response to the classy comment – if I were so ‘classy,’ wouldn’t I still be with the lady?

@papayalily Custom and tradition have defined those things. It’s called good manners and etiquette. Some people ignore. I live in an area that still appreciates most of that.
********
Oh, I didn’t know about the sarcasm thing.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Sorry you had such a dad.

@perspicacious Eh, what are you gonna do – he asked my mom’s parents for her hand in marriage and he was only fake classy.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I don’t know what you are talking about. You described your father as “agey sexist racist abusive excuse for a dad.” Perhaps that’s why you are so angered by my response.

@JeanPaulSartre Well, sure – who would take her dowry then run?
@perspicacious So it’s tradition that makes something classy? I guess I’m still not understanding, since many things that were once proper are now considered rude, and the entire reason behind manners is to show respect for others, but if the manners don’t change with the times the underlying respect fades away. Where do you live?

@perspicacious I’m not angered, more like amused – obviously whether one asks for the hand in marriage of the parents doesn’t indicate whether they’re classy or cultured.

@papayalily Asking parents for a daughter’s hand in marriage is purely a showing of respect for the parents. That hasn’t changed over time.

@perspicacious Except that it places the power to wed in the hands of the parents, not the bride. By showing respect for the parents, you are disrespecting your intended. Especially since it’s not exactly uncommon to find that a woman’s parents have been abusive or absent or otherwise bad parents who really shouldn’t have any say or approval in what their kid does now that said kid is an adult.

@papayalily I disagree with you. It doesn’t take the power away from the bride-to-be. It’s respectful and asking for a blessing, so to speak. The man is asking to become part of the girls family as well.

I don’t find abusive, absent, bad parents to be common, thank God. I do find it common among people on these QnA sites. Many here have stories of poor childhood experiences and abusive parents. That’s unfortunate. But, I don’t see it as common. And, I work in family court. I see the worst of the worst.

@perspicacious Well, I’ve found that Fluther has a pretty accurate representation of how many are really abused.
But… What if they say no? I mean, if they say no, and you go ahead, then you’ve just disrespected them and shown that you don’t really give a crap what they have to say. If they say no and you then don’t marry her, then yeah, that’s definitely taking the power out of her hands (and letting her know that you care about her parents more than her).

@papayalily That wasn’t meant to insult you if you happen to have suffered abuse. Not at all.

@perspicacious I wasn’t insulted, I just think abuse is actually really quite common (although I have found the CPS is very rarely involved…)

I think some people seem to think that asking a parent for their blessings is like buying a wife. The girl still has to say yes and I think it is a sign of respect and regard. Marriages do a lot better when the whole family appoves of the union. Marriage comes with its own set of problems, and disapproving in-laws can add unnecessary strain to the marriage. It would be good to find out ahead of time if they have any objections and maybe they can be resolved before the actual proposal so that it is a joyous occasion for all.
Now, if she has abusive parents than I don’t believe it necessary to show them any regard what so ever. But if you know she loves her parents and respects them a great deal than it will only enhance their relationship for her to know that you also care about her parents feelings as well.
If she is distant from them, then she probably wouldn’t like it at all and think that the guy is undermining her feelings about her parents.

@Pandora No, the blessing is fine – it’s the permission part I have an issue with.

I informed my inlaws of my intentions to be courteous and respectful. I certainly wasn’t asking permission, just looking to start off on the right foot.

My MIL cried. My FIL said, “Eh, I don’t care.”

I would have a talk with them and ask them, or see how they felt about it, but I wouldn’t necessarily listen to them if they said no.

I did twelve years ago.