How do I get my mom to back off?

Well, you can try telling her that you will be busy for an hour and not to call you.

Warm up her coffee and empty her ashtray? Wow. That sounds a little over the top. Why should you have to wait on her hand and foot like that. Usually I would recommend talking to her, but that seems so extreme, I have a feeling she is not very reasonable. Could it be she wants you to be with her maybe? Or, doesn’t like you locked up in your room. Might there be a reason that is not blatantly clear, that she is asking you to do stuff for her all of the time?

Have you tried pestering her with questions?

Does she have a reason to be worried about what you might be doing? For instance, is she checking to see that you’re not intoxicated? interrupting you frequently to make sure that you don’t have time to get into any kind of trouble?

I’m not defending her behavior, which sounds extreme to me too. I’m just raising the question of motive: it might be about something other than when it appears to be. What it appears to be is that she expects you to wait on her, and some adults do have a notion that the children ought to “do for” them just as they had to “do for” the adults in their lives when they were young. But it might be something more indirect and complicated than that.

How old are each of you? Is she infirm in any way?

When you get home, tell her you will be down as soon as you finish your homework. Then put your earbuds in and do your homework. But make sure you set aside at least some time just for her.

If she’s in a wheelchair or on crutches, then she’s probably not being unreasonable, BUT…..if not, then wow! Maybe you could sit down with her for several minutes and gab, and then say you have to do your homework or call a friend or you’d like to upstairs and do whatever it is you do up there. Is there anything she needs before you go? Or if that doesn’t work, there’s always overkill – like talking her arm off about anything and everything until she wishes you’d go upstairs!! lol!

@daytonamisticrip: Wow. I’m sitting here trying to think if I’ve ever done this to my children. Except I don’t drink coffee or smoke, but you know what I mean. I understand you want to approach this without using words, but ultimately, it may come to that – I know that is a difficult thought.

I think just telling her that you will need to work on something, for a set period of time, will be your only out; however, that won’t work, daily. This is why I’m thinking that you will need to approach this, but in a responsible manner.

I commend you on keeping up with things, but really, it is a bit much. I’m on board with the idea @WestRiverrat has, but still it’s gnawing at me that you will have to approach this, eventually. @marinelife has a good approach, too.

I’ll bite. Are you afraid to discuss this with her, or is it that maybe you’ve reached your boiling point and don’t know if you can handle the conversation. I’m really not passing judgment. I’m just trying to understand if a conversation could ever happen.

When you first get in the house, say “Mom, I have about ½ hour available, what do you need me to get you? I will be available again in about two hours or so, so write down what you need”

I use this with my grandson, only in reverse. He does work in exchange for his rent, so I say “I need you for an hour, let me know when you will be available.”.

Try getting out of the house every time she asks you to do something and go home really really late, like 11 p.m.

I recomend talking to her and if it escalates into a fight then go with it and stand your ground. I never did this and regret it. I hate confrontation and used to do anything for a bit of peace and quiet when I was younger but then when you get older you realize the people around you dont actually “know” you because you have never made them aware of your thoughts. People disagree and fight and thats life when you can fall out and make up then you will be closer to your family than if you just keep quiet and bubble with resentment. She might think your bored or lonely and she is making excuses to spend time with you…but if she is just bugging the hell out of you it will do you both a lot of good to know it…gotta make people aware of your boundries or they will keep crossing em. :) good luck.

ps I would advise against sahuleka546 method unless you actually hate her and are just biding time till you leave.

@noodle_poodle yeah, it was a joke…

She doesn’t do it to spend time with me, she does it because she’s lazy. I don’t want to talk to her about it because there is no way that would make her back off. It would just make her angry and have me do more pointless stuff.
@sahuleka546 she wouldn’t tolerate that. She’d probably send the police to go looking for me.
@All thank you. I’m going to try pestering her until her ears fall off. Wish me luck.

@daytonamisticrip: Good luck! Just ramble about completely random stuff…and draw it out. Painfully, long story!

@daytonamisticrip probably, but I don’t think she’d go as far as calling the police…
Oh yeah, even if she’d be angry if you talked to her, you should try it. If she’s pissed because you don’t want to do chores because you’re tired, etc I think you deserve to be pissed too. You’re her child, not her maid.

My mom done the SAME thing to my brother and I! There is no talking about it but at every chance you get, try to bring attention to how much she really does ask you to do and how annoying it can be, if this bothers her, say:” the truth hurts”, stand by it and move on, it should eventually slack off! My brother and I would just laugh and joke about it right in front of her “CASEY! bring me the 15th rag for today:)”.......beware this does add fuel to the fire but gets them to think!

Grow up.

I know in my case, it wasn’t a matter of growing up. When someone is constantly asking you to do everything for them, it wears on you mentally. You never have a moment to yourself. Standing up for yourself does not have to be disrespectful. Children should have chores but not doing things that are considered “helping yourself” or being made to do things several times in one day, everyday. If there is no handicap or punishment being imposed, it is uncalled for.

If you wait long enough the issue will resolve itself. My Mom passed away over 25 years ago.