Who is in the wrong?

I am guessing from your comments that this becomes an argument because your father agrees with his mother instead of with his wife. In other words, your grandmother is coming between your parents.

This is not right, and it is up to your father to deal with the situation.

Unfortunately that is his job and not yours. You can’t change any of the people in this awkward triangle. But you can tell your father how much this bothers you and ask him to settle it once and for all.

The traditional marriage ceremony includes the words “forsaking all others.” This means that when you marry you put your spouse first, and other relationships—including those with parents—come second. At least one person and maybe two in your family don’t appear to understand that.

@Jeruba You are completely right. Most of the time my father ends up leaving on Christmas day or Christmas eve to console my grandmother. I have tried to tell him how I feel. Just today I asked him to please stay with us because I am joining the military and do not know when I will have another Christmas with us all together, including my little sister. It infuriates me also because my grandmother is aware of this. When I first told him how I felt he said that I needed to ‘grow up’ since I’m joining the military. I honestly don’t know what to think!

Jeruba’s got this one covered. As for who needs to ‘grow up’, well… who’s still attached to their mother’s apron strings? Looks like your father could grow up a little and confront his mother about her unreasonable demands.

@augustlan is totally right about who needs to grow up here. You don’t have to take that in, @tigerlilly2. It belongs to him and not you.

I’m just wondering why your grandmother couldn’t be invited to come and join your family on Christmas and bring everyone together instead of tearing them apart.

The holidays sure seem to bring out the best in everyone. Where is the simple “Norman Rockwell” life?

There are so many questions. In years past did your grandmother host the event? Did you grandfather recently pass away and she is depressed? Why can’t she visit you? Does she life far away?

Throw in a divorce or two with extended families and long lived grudges.and the holidays turn in into horrors. What a sad waste. No one should travel for obligation. It should be for enjoyment.
Your whole family,including your dad, has my sympathy.

Why can’t your dad just invite his mom to spend Christmas with you?

We had a similar situation when my grandparents were still alive. My dad’s mom lived about 6 hours away and my mom’s parents lived about an hour away. We spent Christmas day with my mom’s parents, and went to my dad’s mom’s on Boxing Day. It wasn’t the best situation for everyone, but it was a compromise that we all could live with.

Your father needs help in understanding where his loyalties lie.

Unfortunately, nothing is going to make this better as long as he refuses to stand up to his mother.

It sounds as though this situation is fraught with drama. It is a lesson to you in how not to have holiday celebrations. Remember it well when you have your own family and do things differently.

First, remember that it is your dad’s choice to keep the drama going. What he should do is tell his mother that if she wants to spend time with him, she needs to come to his house.

There is nothing that you can do except resolve to make the most of the holidays without your dad there. Talk to your mother. Tell her that you and your siblings ? are there so that you should all enjoy the day.

You might call your Grandmother and tell her how her demands affect your holidays and that it is your sincere wish that she come and join you since it is your last holiday before deploying. But don’t expect a woman who has reached her age flexing her emotional muscles to come around.

Been there, done this. your mom comes first. that is, if there is to be harmony in the family.
Wife and i went through this situation for many years. her mother finally passed away and that helped to eliviate the problem.

We divided Christmas in half. one at home, the second at the parents house.

Forsaking all others. This is a tough one, especially for people remarrying, blending kids, putting a spouse before a parent who’s held the top spot for a very long time.

I would ask the grandmother to come to your house for this particular Xmas, then sit her down or write her a long loving letter saying that you guys all want to have a nice time, but it’s really hard and demanding if your Dad always leaves and goes to see her. Let her know that you guys are starting a new tradition and you hope that she will understand and grow to appreciate this new tradition too. Alternate houses each year. If she and/or your dad won’t go along with the new idea, then you are stuck. Then you should talk to your mom and let her give some kind of alternative suggestions. Would your mom be willing to give up cooking on Xmas day (so you can all go to grandmas) and then she could cook Xmas eve dinner with you, your sis and your dad at your house.

I get the feeling that there are some other issues going on here, besides the fact that your dad is giving in to his mother.

Does grandma not like your mom (or vise versa) for some reason?
Does your Dad just go over there so grandma won’t pitch a fit? Or does he prefer going over there to spending time with you guys?
Does grandma feel slighted that she’s not the hostess? Was she the hostess back a few years before and has that now changed?

Sorry for this whole situation. Just try to keep a smile on your face and go along to get along if you have to.

@worriedguy My grandmother doesn’t have a husband and she really dilikes my mother because she is so jealous of her marrying my father. She even told my father that when my parents where married, she wanted to be put first then. We have invited her to spend Christmas with us, but she refuses.

@Kardamom Those would be wonderful alternatives, but she doesn’t want my mom to come to her house with us so taking turns wouldn’t work. She has never hosted a Christmas dinner on Christmas day in the past so I don’t understand why she keeps trying to get my dad over there. Usually we just go to her house on Christmas eve but she is not satisfied with that.

@tigerlilly2 Now that you have clarified things a bit more, I can definitely say that Grandma has a huge problem. Her jealousy of your mother is tainting everything in her life. That your father gladly goes along with this scenario, and just leaves your mother sitting there at home, is kind of disgraceful.

Not sure what you can do to change Gram and Dad, but you can show your mom the best Christmas day ever, before, during and after the time that your dad runs out and leaves you all hanging. I’m so sorry that this is happening.

If I were you, I would consider writing Gram a letter telling her how hurtful it is (and has been all these years) to you and your sister and your mother that she treats your mom like an outcast. Tell her that you would love it if she would come to your house and make merry with your whole family and if she chooses not to, then it will be her loss, but let her know how painful it is for you. Then ask her politely what she thinks can be done to solve this problem? If she says nothing, or pitches a fit or tells you how much she dislikes your mother, then leave her alone and just make the best of your own Xmas celebration with your mom and sister. Let dad continue to do his own (albeit disrespectful) thing. Again, sorry.

This whole thing really hurts to read, because I have some family members who are feuding with each other (and have been for about 10 years). We see half of the fueders on a regular basis (they’ve called for a truce), but the other half left the state (and would prefer to continue to be angry at the other group) and we haven’t seen them for 4 years. There are kids involved and it permeates out to all of the relatives (who aren’t even part of the fued) because we know that we can never be ALL together. It stinks.