Do you think I am being crazy/unreasonable?

No, he is.

No. I think your idea is a good one to get to be alone for a day with your husband. What about your plan does he think is crazy? Does he think it will cost too much money? Is there an explanation for his reply?

@leezer30 who would watch the children if he accepted you plans? Perhaps, his plan combined with yours would work allowing his friend to watch the children and you could make the same plans in Arkansas. That way the children would feel part of the celebration of the uniting of the two families, which is what your marriage basically did.

He wouldnt even spend 2 minutes talking about my plan, I let him know my parents could watch the kids or his mom lives close or his cousin, to me it is about celebrating us with just us, our lives are enitrely consumed with children every single other day of the year.

No, his attitude seems out of proportion to your objection.

My first reaction is no, he is crazy, but then I thought about the date, is it January 2? Am I reading that right? I assume all of thie kids are off from school, is he talking about having a long weekend with the family over New Years weekend? Seems an ideal time to do something like that due to the school year. Maybe celebrate your anniversary a week or two later?

You need to talk more with each other about what feelings are being triggered by this issue. It sounds like there is something loaded on each side.

@janbb Very insightful.

That’s pretty lame. Maybe he doesn’t like your plan; that’s fine, no matter how nice it sounds to me; but flipping out the way he did cuz you didn’t like his idea? That’s pretty immature. Sitting down and exploring the ideas and all woulda been a little more productive. I think he’s being unreasonable.

@janbb It does not seem as if we can reasonably talk to eachother anymore, normally I try and just go along with the ideas he has because when I dont agree with what is going on he gets like this, we are not able to sit down and brainstorm ideas because he honestly believes his idea is the best idea and any other idea is just ridiculous and Im crazy for thinking other than that.

@leezer30 So there are much deeper problems besides where to go for your anniversary. I suggest counseling.

@janbb Its like he is a whole different person since we have been married, he has said many times, he is the best looking, the greatest, the smartest, his ideas and ways of doing things are always the best, and if you dont like it too bad. I cant simply tell him anything Im feeling whether it be about missing him and having alone time or wishing he would compliment me more without him going off on me, I am married to someone who I cant be myself and I have to try to be as unemotional as I can be unless he is in an emotional mood, that seems to be the problem.

@leezer30 It sounds like you need therapy for yourself to assess what you want to do about your relationship with this destructive person. If is not easy, I know, to detach from someone who can be damaging to you, but you need to assess what your stake in the relationship is and what you want to do about it. I wouldn’t worry about celebrating an anniversary while such hurtful behavior is going on.

I dont really feel much like celebrating, Im not even sure anymore what there is to celebrate. Im not even sure why it matters to me at all.

How long did you know him before you married him? Did he act like this before you got married? To me it sounds like he is acting the way a “traditional” man is supposed to act: controlling and like he has the right to run his wife’s life.

I’d also like to know how you had time to date before you got married. You still had all these kids, I assume? Is there any indication as to why he behaves this way? Did he do manly thing, like ordering your food for you?

What @janbb says is good advice. Counseling for yourself and couples counseling, if you have access to it. Otherwise, maybe a religious counselor could help, depending on your beliefs.

From what little you’ve said here—and it is very little—things don’t sound good. He does not sound like a guy who really fits you. I hope I’m wrong. But you aren’t telling a very optimistic story.

@leezer30 Yes, don’t worry about the anniversary – that is just a smokescreen. You need to deal with the underlying issues which sound very grave.

@wundayatta‘s advice is very good too. if you don’t have access to therapy, find a trusted counselor whom you can talk to.

The initial question raised some potential of ‘issues’ in this marriage, if this is his idea of how to celebrate the first anniversary with you. He wants to ‘hang out’ with his friend. (I don’t even know how far you are from Arkansas, and how much travel that entails.)

Then your further responses in the thread confirm my initial suspicion.

I think you already know, from the things you’ve said here and your question back in June, his heart isn’t really in this marriage, if it ever was.

The real question is: What are you going to do about that?

We have been together on and off for 3 yrs, when we were dating he cheated on me alot and I always took him back because when he was with me he was so sweet and attentive and fun and sensitive, we got married a year ago and had to go to counseling about 4 months into the relationship to deal with trust issues from the cheating, he gets very upset when it is brought up because its in the past and I should be over it and trust him already. He never was controlling before and I did feel as If I could talk to him about things and as if i was a worthwhile person to him, he does make all the plans and want things done his way and pick at me for the way I do things. He doesnt seem to want to work on us, and any time I do bring up any emotional subject he throws a fit and says I need to fix myself because he has no problems and the only problems we have are the problems I create for us, and he says things like if you dont like my plans I will just go celebrate our anniversary with the kids. I mean who says that?? What man that loves his wife does this stuff?? I have even tried to tell him Im not happy with how our relationship is going and he has said thats too bad I should work on that and he is happy so its ok. Im so frustrated and hurt, thank you everyone for listening, its so appreciated.

Uh oh.

You are not crazy, but you made a bad choice in men.

Ok, I have more to say. Cheating men are very good at making their SO feel crazy, this is a classic scenerio sorry to say. It does not mean he is cheating at the moment, but it does mean he has symptoms of likely he is cheating or going to cheat. He seems to have a huge ego. If I am right, he will be impossible to change. I hate to be so negative, because I am sure this is very stressful and upsetting for you.

He sounds like, well, saying he’s an unstable schmuck would be being nice. If he doesn’t want to change, then it’s time for you to get out of this relationship.

I think Gary Neuman is very good on the topic.

Do you see the inequalities in your relationship?

I hate to say it, but there is this tendency among men to put all their energy into the wooing, and then as soon as they have “captured” their woman, they sit back, and expect the woman to serve them. Again, it’s a kind of traditional male behavior. It happens most in places where the culture tends to support the idea of traditional male prerogatives. This is often more prevalent in areas with a lot of fundamentalist churches.

If you live near Arkansas or in Arkansas, you may live in an area where the culture supports this notion of male prerogative. In any case, your husband’s behavior follows a fairly standard behavioral pattern. Women often put up with this for any number of reasons. Some believe that is their role, and it is right. Some have low self-esteem, and don’t believe they deserve any better. It could be other things as well.

I would encourage you to believe in your own right to control your life, if you don’t already believe that. I don’t think it is right for your husband to treat you that way. You may want to start asking some very serious questions about whether this man is still the right one for you. It sounds like you want more than he is giving. Can he give you what you want? If too many of these questions are answered the wrong way, you might need to start figuring out how to get out of the relationship.

@wundayatta I think it is more than the wooing. He is into the chase. Macho bullshit going on. Needs constant reassurance he can keep getting women, or women back.

Could it possibly be he already made secret arrangements and doesn’t want to give the surprise away, and now he is hoping to bully you into going so he can surprise you?
Now if, that isn’t the case than maybe he’s lost a marble or two. LOL
It certainly sounds unreasonable but I had that be the case one time. My husband was trying to surprise me and I wouldn’t budge until the kids begged me to go with him. They knew the deal.
Then I knew something was up. He had already paid for a hotel honeymoon suite and arranged my stuff to be there when we got there and my favorite sexy outfit for dancing. I thought we were simply going out to dinner.
He arranged for my brother to spend the night with the kids.

when you said he was really sweet to get you back, it makes me think cynically. some men are into having a relationship for whatever reason. security, finances, to show the world how wonderful they are having a solid relationship, or because it’s a challenge and they like to be victorious. so when you said he was sweet to get you back after the breakup, i thought of those reasons and perhaps that was more what he was into.

if i were you i would assess my feelings more, and do some real decision making for the future. it’s not good for the children to see fighting, and it’s not good for the children to see their mom taking a lot of bullshit – it may lead your daughters to accept the same from their future husbands, and it may lead your sons to treat their S.O.‘s the same way.

I do feel like that could be one of the main reason’s, he is very big into being married, having a family, he likes to talk all the time about how much our family means to him and how much our marriage means to him, i think that in part is due to him not growing up in a typical family, his dad was never there for him and his mom was more of a friend.

@leezer30 But is he into your marriage, because if he’s not then being into the concept of marriage is useless.

Your husband doesn’t know the difference between a vacation and a wedding anniversary. Tell him to go ahead and take all five kids for a few days. You win!

No I simply think he is into the concept of marriage, the idea of having a family and a wife, because when it actually comes down to it his actions speak louder than his words. If he was into our marriage he would actually put some work into it, instead of being so unwilling to even talk about things

@perspicacious EXACTLY!! BINGO!! Wow I cant believe someone get it. Its not a vacation its a wedding anniversary, its our time. I was called crazy for pointing that out to him.

@perspicacious LOL and I was told this train is leaving the station with or without me on it and I need to fix my sh** because he is tired of waiting on me.

@leezer30, WTF? First wedding anniversary, and he’s doing that? Not a good sign.

@leezer30 Like I said—send him on his way; just be sure he takes all five kids.

@leezer30 He is into the idea of marriage, but has no concept of what it takes to make it happen, and I would go as far to say it feels unusual to him to be in a committed relationship. Did he know his dad? Was his dad out with bunches of women? Or just absent? Every guy I know who cheats as a habit, had a dad who cheated too, in the same type of way. This is not to be confused people who cheat after many years in a strong relationship, and something begins to go wrong.

I really hope @Pandora is right.

I agree with @perspicacious. Let that train leave without you, then relax and pamper yourself. Spend a little time on your anniversary reflecting on your marriage, because these aren’t problems that will go away, but mostly just enjoy a couple days of peace and quiet.

@JLeslie No he did not know his dad, he had very little contact with him growing up, only recently has he looked him up and started talking to him. I totally agree with you though, I dont believe he knows what it takes to make it work and I dont really think that he wants to put the time and energy into making it be a good strong marriage. He is willing to put time into the kids and working but when it comes to us there is no effort.

@leezer30 In his defense, can you believe I am going to defend him, he probably does not think it should be work, he probably thinks a relationship should be fun and happiness. Since children obviously need to be taught things, adults typically accept that kids might act up, or might need special attention, etx. But many adults have no clue how to function in adult relationships. Communications skills probably were not very good in his family. Also, if his childhood was pretty sucky in his view, then he might be a little needy, or have intense feelings of abandonment, which in my experience causes people to be very controlling. Very. They seek the control they never felt as a kid. It does not mean he is a bad person though. They also tend to be very self centered, once those uncomfortable feelings are triggered in them, it becomes very difficult for them to care about anyone elses feelings during that moment. He would need to become aware of his feelings, why he reacts as he does, and how it effects others. Not easy. Can I ask how old you both are?

@JLeslie He is 31 and I am 30, after talking to him today again I think I have pretty much decided I am going to make myself stop caring so much, I cant be the only one in this relationship that actually cares if it is a good relationship, here is an example of how it goes when we talk, I tried explaining to him that we should put the same amount of energy that we put into working and kids and finances into us and I let him know that right now as his wife I am feeling neglected and I feel like our relationship is not in a good place and he responds with Im tired of hearing about this, your the only person in my life I have a problem with, the only reason this is an issue is because you make it an issue. I have come to realize what he wants is someone who will happily work 120 hrs in 2 weeks, clean the house, take care of kids, do what he wants when he wants and be unopinionated just agree totally with his every plan. He does not want a wife, he does not care about my happiness or about spending any time working on us, I will just keep my mouth shut and not care either.

@leezer30 There is more to life than keeping your trap shut and putting up with that kind of abuse. And yes, it is abuse, mentally. You deserve more and so do your kids. If you aren’t happy, then they can’t be happy and you will be giving them the idea that this kind of marriage or relationship is okay. It’s not okay. If he does go away without you this weekend, this is the time to sort through your life, your emotions, your needs and figure out if this man fits into what you want your life to be, where you want your life to go.

@leezer30 I think get out now, while the transition will be less difficult. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I know you are dissappointed. Have you been in other relationships like this, where your partner doesn’t give a shit about how you feel? Or maybe you felt your parents did not care about your feelings? If this is a pattern, I urge you to break it. If it is not a pattern for you, I understand how when it is happening it is very confusing and hard to believe people are like this.