Getting remarried. Would you tell kids before or after you proposed?

I would definitely tell my children before getting remarried if I were in that situation. That’s what my mother did for me, and I thought it was appropriate. I don’t think that their reaction would change how you I felt about my partner, however, so I wouldn’t feel the same need to tell my children about an upcoming proposal. Might as well see if it’s a live issue before taking the next step.

One caveat, though: if my children reacted to the news in an extremely negative way, I would want to investigate why. You don’t want to find out your spouse-to-be has been abusing your children while you’re not around.

Omg, yea, I would DEFINITELY tell my kids before I proposed, to see if they were on board. Because if they didn’t like the idea, I wouldn’t get married. Because I love my kids too much to do that to them, they’d be in major shock. They would already be in recovery about the divorce before the remarrying, so I would ask them first. I wouldn’t want to scare them.

The children shouldn’t be allowed to dictate whether or not you get married, but they should be made aware that the proposal was going to happen, so they could get used to the idea. I looked on my mother getting remarried as a relief that I was not going to have to worry about her. My father’s remarriage was an after-the-fact communication, and it put a lot of strain on the relationship, both with our stepmother and with our father. Basically, we felt like our father ditched us, and his new life with his wife was the only important thing to him. He went from being a parent to part of this couple relationship only.

@BarnacleBill , I think that the kids should get a say in whether or not you should get married, because if they say they don’t want you to get married either to the specific person or at all, then if you ignore them and get married you are messing up your relationship with them. And I wouldn’t want to do that. So they should be allowed to dictate whether or not you get married.

@BarnacleBill: He doesn’t believe the kids should dictate but that’s not why I was taken aback they didn’t know. I just wanted them to know ahead of time so they could think on it and come to it on their own terms. He called them after the fact and asked them what they thought about him proposing. They are happy for him but I took it personal that he had some reason for not being proud enough of me/us to have a talk with them ahead of time. I know I would have wanted that much from my parents.

My mom has had a boyfriend for 10 years that none of us can figure why she’s dating. He is unpleasant, cold, mean, narrow minded, racist, hateful…...my mom is the most wonderful, nice, creative, generous person on the planet. We have no idea why she’s with him. He has hated every boyfriend I’ve ever had, is straight up rude to them, and unpleasant all the time around everyone. Up until the day I moved out last year I never hung out at my house because I hated being around him 99% of the time. And when he was around I didn’t feel comfortable talking to my mom about whatever I wanted because he doesn’t accept anything. Anyhow, maybe 5 Christmases ago I think he proposed to her. She has a ring and she refers to him as her husband. I couldn’t give a fuck less what they “are” to each other. He’s still THERE and that’s what matters.

Honestly, though, I know this is a really extreme situation, but it makes my relationship with my mother not what it could be if he wasn’t there. I think she should take into consideration what me and my brothers think of him, because it really does affect us, even though we are all older and moved out now. It makes for a really unpleasant atmosphere. Every holiday dinner ends with talks about the government and taxes. I fucking hate it. I can’t understand for the life of me why she is still with him. It confuses me more than anything else in the world.

Anyhow, I think taking your kids opinions into consideration is important. Yes, it’s not them getting married, but it still really does affect them. Sorry if this was no help. I tend to rant when it comes to him.

@Neizvestnaya, it’s probably more of a gender and perhaps a parenting style thing. Depending on their relationship with their dad and the extent of his involvement in their daily life, their attachment to him may be different than your attachment to your parents. Sensitivity to their feelings is going to make you a great stepmom! Congratulations on your engagement.

I can’t be the only ninny who wants a “happy family”. In my eyes, while we’ve been dating then the kids’ thoughts on our dating hasn’t been a huge issue. When we got serious and moved in together then I wanted the kids to be able to feel comfortable here and to watch and learn their dad more.

An engagement means I’m not going away, dad isn’t just passing time with fancy, blah blah. I wanted the kids to have a say (good or bad) with their father beforehand with no pressures to “put on a good face” or whatever. I’m terrified of any fears they may have we’ll not know about that could hurt my fiancee’s feelings down the road. I don’t want my feelings hurt either but these are his children and they came before me. Gah, I’m confused. I’ll add these are 3 teens in emotional years.

When Alex and I decided to get married, I just told Alexey that we’re doing so and that he will bring us rings – he was around 2 and therefore it’s a different kind of conversation than if he were 15 or something.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir: Yes, your child was a baby who was gaining a real father. These kids already have a mother they live fulltime with. I’m just afraid of rejection, not as a stepmom but just as a person.

Are you sensing anything that gives you an indication that there might be issues about the relationship that are lurking under the surface? Is their mother remarried?

My sister married a man with two teenagers. They are very integrated into their lives and my sister is both supportive and kind about their mother. That seemed to make it easier on the kids. Her stepdaughter was her maid of honor, and stepson was the best man.

@deni Man..that’s sad….

Well…how well do you get along with his kids? And how old are they?

@Neizvestnaya That’s normal – and yes, they might reject you – will he or you let that stand between the two of you?

When I got remarried, my son was 5. I talked to him a little bit about it in a way that he would understand, but honestly, by the time my husband and I talked about getting married, I already knew how my son felt about him (my husband) in general. When my husband asked me to marry him, I already knew my son would be fine with things when we were all living together as a family. (My son also doesn’t remember his biological father).

Perhaps your fiance already has a feeling that the kids will be ok with it and that he didn’t need to address it specifically. If it’s really something you are concerned about, perhaps your fiance could take the kids out alone the next time he has them to tell them the news so he can deal with their reactions alone before the two of you deal with it as a couple. If not that, then perhaps all of you could go out to share the good news with them as a “family”.

I hope it all goes well for you! Congratulations on the engagement. I read your post about how he proposed and it made me get all teary. :-)

Oh way before, no question. We’re a team see, all for one & one for all :¬)

@m0r60n so the kids run your life, and do not want you to be happy?

I introduced my kids to my girlfriend very casually and slowly. And I told them she is my special friend and I am happy when I am with them and with her. I also reassured them that she is not a “new mom”.

If you have a good relationship with your kids, letting them know what is important to you helps them support you. But my children do not make the decisions in the family, and do not hold veto power over important issues like relationships.

Maybe the two of you need to sit down with the kids and talk about what this marriage will mean for them. What parental powers will you have – the ability to pick them up from school? Take them to a concert on a school night without their dad’s ok? Ground them? Are you going to be a new parent (aka stepmom) or the new spouse of their dad and new roomie to them? If a situation comes up with them, and the two of you disagree on how to handle it, will he take your opinion into consideration as their parent, or is it more of a “Well, I’m their dad, so what you think really doesn’t matter (but nicer)” situation? Are you going to be along for every adventure, or is he willing to set aside some time for just him and his kids – maybe a meal every week just the 4 of them (3 kids, right?) or at least a camping trip/spa vacation once a year that’s special for just them?

I think the kids might be soooo much better with you if they knew exactly what to expect – kids especially (although most humans in general) really hate unstable, uncertain environments, and that can end up as being hatred towards you (as you are the new “environment”.) Eliminate that, and that will probably help quite a lot.

@BarnacleBill: Their mother has a live in partner, the same once since the divorce. The kids have always been kind to me but this is just a way bigger thing than, hey kids, let’s all go out of town together. I dunno.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir: He specificallys says he wouldn’t let what kids think stand between us. He says he didn’t tell them ahead of time because he was sure they’d be all right with it and he didn’t want to chance letting the cat out of the bag. I just think as old as they are, they would’ve felt more positive being in on the proposal instead of having it pitched after the fact.

@Seaofclouds: That’s exactly what he said, thought it was no big deal and that he was so nervous planning with his folks that he let it go. I don’t have kids of my own but I know myself, I would tell my kids. It would be me coming to propose to my love with no secrets, no hesitations. That kind of thing. I’m old fashioned, I think.

@papayalily: I think it’s super important now for us to talk to the kids. I fear now there will be awkwardness where there wasn’t before and that means I will have to wait longer for them to feel comfortable to be open around me. I’m not one to push right away “to be friends”, I want to show them consistency, respect and the confidence to speak their minds and hearts even if and when it’s stuff their dad and I might not like. I just feel the icebreaker would’ve made this come easier for them because I want that very much, just don’t want to push or seem too eager.

@Neizvestnaya If he really thinks the kids will be fine with it, he may be right. Perhaps taking them out for a nice dinner and making it a nice celebration together (that you said yes, not just that he asked) would help and be a good way to share the news without them feeling left out that they didn’t kow about it before hand. Honestly, if they’ve been around enough, I’m sure they’ve had the idea before that it might happen at some time. I hope it goes well!

@Neizvestnaya Then let them know that. My dad left my mom when I was 18, and got remarried a couple years later, and I honestly hate that bitch. So much. However, most of what I hate about her is that either I don’t matter and she couldn’t possibly be bothered to even change the TV channel when I’m invited over for dinner to something we all enjoy, or she’s trying to force me to like her via some very shady means (like bashing my mom because she thinks then I’ll think that she “gets it” and we’ll be BFFs or whatever). When she’s not pulling that shit, I really just dislike her in a sort of “you’re over there and I’m over here, and I make an effort to be civil towards you when we’re in the same room but otherwise I don’t really think about you” kinda way.

@papayalily: We’ve got 12, 15 and 17 kids, basically a powder keg. Yay.

@Dutchess_III awful.

@Neizvestnaya If it helps (and I know this is a strange thing to say), my dad is a really, truly, completely horrible father. He basically did every single thing you aren’t supposed to do with the new s/o in your life. If none of the kids has approached you and said “you know that he abuses us and our mom, right?”, then the likelihood that he’s creating the awful situation I described above really lowers quite drastically.

Thanks Jelly bretheren, I want to keep thinking everything is all right with them. I don’t want to tell my fiancee he didn’t do the right thing. I DO want things to go smoother from here though as to what we communicate to his kids and their reactions. This is the year he says he will stop being such a bitter man towards his ex and try to talk to her and SO congenially rather than so standoffish and dismissive in order for the kids to be more comfortable. Maybe our little tiff will yield something better.

(((Hugs))) and ♣♣luck!♣♣

The fact that you care about the kid’s feelings is highly commendable and speaks really well of you. Of course it should matter what they think. The difference between make or break though, should be if they dislike you for a valid reason (abusive, mean, etc.) or because they have issues relating to their parents divorce. If it’s a) he probably wouldn’t be asking you to marry him. If it’s b) you should still tell the kids first because that shows respect toward them and concern for their feelings on your part. It’s good for them to know that you care about their feelings because, whether they appreciate it now or not, they might down the road when they are older. Also, you will know that you did the right thing – you have the moral high ground. Don’t let them dictate the decision on the marriage happening or not, but telling them in advance allows them to prepare themselves for it, whether they are wholeheartedly behind the idea or not.

My ex-husband remarried less than 3 months after our divorce to a woman he’d just met who had two small kids of her own. Our children, though very young, were mature enough to beg him not to do right away, but to give them a little time to get to know her and get used to the idea. (They were only 9 and 11). Our divorce, though amicable, was really traumatic for them and they’d barely gotten used to us being apart and the whole two households thing when he abruptly moved this stranger and her two kids in. He refused to listen and told me he would just marry her on a weekend when he didn’t have the kids. Fortunately, I was able to persuade him that if he was determined to do this, he should at least prepare them for it by talking to them more about it and include them in the event. (If he’d done it behind their back I don’t think they’d ever have forgiven him). Anyway, they accepted it very maturely, poor things, even though it was so hard on them. Harder even when they divorced in less than a year.

Obviously you can see why I salute you for caring about his kids feelings, even if he’s being a little less than sensitive about them.

I would definitely tell the kids first. That doesn’t mean they have a say in the matter, but it is respectful of them, considering they came first.

I personally don’t like my step-father. My mom went on vacation and met him and I had no time whatsoever to adjust to her dating, much less jumping into a committed relationship with a man I didn’t know. I was an adult (19), but ever since she met him, she went from putting me first and having my back, to putting me behind him and coming to his defense, instead. Quite a rude awakening, especially since he can be a real dick.

Now, imagine she came to me one day and said, “I’m moving to Italy”—out of the blue. That was jarring, confusing, and a bit hurtful. Not having some preparation in advance made me way more resentful of both of them than I would have been otherwise.

Having had that experience, I definitely would break it to my kids gently and give them some time to get used to the idea before taking such a life-changing action.

Before. kids want to be part of the process. Their family is changing. I wouldnt make them feel like they are being dragged into a new life.
My Mom was remarried twice.

I made sure my 12 year old son knew and liked my future husband before we ever talked about marriage.

The main thing is that the information is presented as just that – not information. Otherwise the child mya feel they can influence you negatively or positvely. I would never marry if either of us had small children but this would be my approach.

IMO, kids should always have first veto power. It’s their lives, their future.

Always wonder how you would feel about it.

It seems unbelievable that he wouldn’t have asked them first, and now, he’s defending not even telling them. That tells volumes about his relationships with his children…father vs. dad. He must not value their opinions at all.

Will you be advised of things on a need to know basis?

Tread lightly.

@zenvelo, they do want me to be happy, but if they don’t like the person I’m with, I won’t go ahead, ignore them and marry him. I don’t want my kids to be miserable with a stepfather they don’t like.

@MissA, EXACTLY!

I’ve been musing on this question….I’ve never been in a situation where I didn’t have my children living with me. They were a major part of my life and for me to consider marrying someone….well, they’d have to see it coming, or at least I’d ask what they thought of it if they didn’t see it coming. I go with @YARNLADY on this one. Kids have the first veto power….and you can only hope they don’t use it to just play games.

@MissA I don’t know – I don’t think our relationships after a divorce are about the kids first – my relationships are always about love in my life, not theirs but they’re a huge part of whether I would like the person I am with. Using the ‘kids come first and I feel so guilty’ mentality keeps people away from genuine happiness, often.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir

I didn’t say a thing about guilt.

I’m saying flat out that the kids should come first…non-debatable. After the kids leave home and have been given the best possible chance at leaving the nest intact, then the parents can marry and re-marry until they can’t utter another vow.

Why should the kids suffer further from the poor and disasterous decisions that parents have made the first time around. IMO, the parents only get more chances at ‘love’ after their children are grown.

A broken home is bad enough, without following with the possibility of yet another bad marriage.

@MissA I suppose I look at this from my own personal experience – to me, my divorce never meant a broken home for myself and my baby – I don’t believe in the structure of the nuclear family and because I have always remained with my own relatives, it didn’t matter whether I left my ex-husband or married Alex – our home was always intact. Additionally, when I married the first time around, nobody felt it was a poor or disastrous decision and I have no regrets – the man that fathered my first child and I spent 7 years of our lives together and we were happy once. Just because we entered a different phase of our own relationship doesn’t mean either of us have to punish ourselves for the next 18 years, that’s ludicrous. It’s all about how civil and smart you are after the break up in terms of keeping your child psychologically whole and I’ve done all that I could in terms of that. Finally, with every possibility of a bad marriage comes a possibility of a good marriage and that’s what I have now, making the parenting of my oldest child and now my youngest child stronger.

I’m surprised at how many people would give children a full-fledged veto power over a proposal. In retrospect, I am quite happy with my stepfather, and I quite like my stepbrother; but I definitely would have vetoed my mother’s remarriage at the time. In fact, I may have tried to do just that. I was eight years old and incapable of fully understanding the situation. My mother did a fine job of explaining things, such as how my stepfather was not a replacement for my father and that I’d still see my father three times a week. But all I knew was that it meant my father wasn’t coming back to live with us—ever. I also thought that my father wasn’t particularly happy about it, and my father was not a man I crossed at eight years old.

Now, it turns out that my father had no real problem with my mother getting remarried, or even who she was remarrying. My mistaken impression was based entirely on an argument that my father and stepfather had, which it turned out was a fluke and which both of them now admit was stupid. But I didn’t know that then, and I don’t know if I’d have mentioned it as a reason for vetoing the marriage. I’d have just said “no” and left it at that. Luckily, my mother asked for my opinion primarily as a means to figure out how much I might need to adjust. If I had said I was being beaten while she wasn’t around, things might have been different (assuming I was telling the truth). But my mere disapproval doesn’t seem like a strong enough reason to call off the marriage, and I’m quite glad now that my mother didn’t think otherwise then.

@SavoirFaire and @Simone_De_Beauvoir
I’m quite happy for you both.

It would be myopic and foolish to think that it ‘never’ works out. I remain with the thought that a happy root parent family, until the children are grown, is best. Note, I said ‘happy’.

There’s way too much “me first” thinking to believe that it might ever be that way. By the way, I came from a broken x 4 family…and, I re-married while my daughter was young. So, I’m not saying that my judgement was always stellar!

I am venting on how I think it ‘should’ be. Children shouldn’t be subjected to a crap shoot…maybe the next time will be great, maybe it won’t.

A child is your child forever, but husbands often come and go. I choose the child.

@MissA I was only noting my surprise. People are free to make their marital decisions as they wish. Though it hardly seems to be “me first” what my mother did. She knew it would be better for all four of us—my stepfather, my stepbrother, herself, and me—to get remarried. But maybe you weren’t saying otherwise; maybe you were just saying that some people get married even when it is only good for themselves and not for their children.

@YARNLADY It’s a good slogan, but it’s also a false dilemma. You can choose both.

@SavoirFaire I agree completely.

I think this question should apply to having another man or women move into the house too….so many people just have boyfriend (or girlfriend) after boyfriend moving in with them for no reason other than financial help (or sex, or whatever,) and if can be just has hard on the kids as a marriage and divorce.

@Dutchess_III I completely agree with the moving someone in as well. I think it all really depends on the situation and should be looked at individually. My son had known my husband for years before we decided to get married (as a friend of the family and then as my boyfriend). They got along well and even spent time alone together before we even discussed marriage. My son’s father walked out when he was a baby and my son does not remember him at all. So my son only had one parent at that time that he actually knew and had a relationship with. So for my situation, the marriage was a win win for all of us. My husband and I got to be together (with all the moving around of his military career) and my son got a father (my husband is legally adopting him, just waiting for our court date now). I really don’t think a 5-year-old is capable of really saying yes or no to should mommy get married since they don’t understand what that even means. Instead, knowing that they got along and that my son enjoyed spending time with him was enough of an indicator for me of how things would be. When it happened, I explained it to my son in a way he would understand.

@Seaofclouds Exactly. Spot on. I agree, a five-year-old really can’t say yes or no (but might say “No” just to be a bugger) but you CAN tell if they get along well. If they do, then getting married could be an almost seamless transition. However, some parents are so damn selfish that they get married because of their own needs, and couldn’t care less about the impact it might have on the kids.

Hey @Neizvestnaya We’ve gotten off of your subject. I forgot if you answered this but…how well do your S/O’s kids know you and do you all get along?

@SavoirFaire and @Dutchess_III

We don’t disagree.

I am so glad I’m not the only adult who would want to give kids the heads up, not for any veto power but just because and with any luck, a blessing.

In my case all has turned out just fine. In a way I would like to say the kids and their dad have the type of relationship where they feel more tied into what goes on in his away-from-them life but I am at least happy they feel positive for us. This is a type of communication he and I might be able to make more a part of their lives as time goes.

Again, you all are priceless! Thank you.

Glad to hear it @Neizvestnaya. Honestly, I think women would tend to get input from the kids first, whereas men are more like to just say, “This is the way it’s going to be!”

@Dutchess_III: Thanks lady. With 3 teens then I’m trying to navigate slowly and carefully because they’re Jr. adults and I want them to see what actions we choose (not all the freaking out that goes into the choosing) are the best ones we come up with.

Didn’t read any of the posts yet…
I would DEFINITELY tell the kids ahead, but I’m a talker so…
I could see this possibly going two ways

@Neizvestnaya So much good luck coming your way!!
Oh…and congratulations on your engagement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@Dutchess_III: Thank you so much, there are a lot of happy people in both families now.