When a toddler is having a tantrum and loses it, what's going on?

Well, imagine how frustrating it would be not to be able to do something that you wanted to for yourself, and you didn’t have the language to convince someone to do it for you as needed.

I mean, I’d be seriously on the floor screaming about it in frustration a lot of the time too.

Imagine having all these emotions and frustrations and no way to handle them in the wonderfully adult way we all do now!

Toddlers have tantrums for a number of reasons, including being too tired, too hungry and overstimulated.

My pediatrician put forth a theory that at that age, there is a lot of neurological synapses going on because of brain development, with a lot of electrical activity going on in there, as developmental connections are made. Perhaps children feel it inside their head. I noticed that periods when my children were being difficult or tempramental were usually followed by a developmental change.

@janbb – well said, if I do say so myself. ;-)

I once heard a shrink say that a child rarely has a temper tantrum in an empty room (meaning without an audience). Makes you think doesn’t it…......

Yes, I think it’s a combo of all of the above mentioned.

Physical components, hunger, tiredness, possibly becoming sick etc. and also developmental leaps and frustrations at the gap between being able to get what they want with limited skills and ability.

Some kids are just more sensitive all around.

I think generally it is a power struggle, coupled with feeling frustrated, the toddler cannot clearly communicate what they want and why. They are finally aware ebough of their environment that they want things, but they have no control over being ale to have those things, other big people are controlling it.

Part of it is also testing adults. If they cry and get their way, then they learn crying helps them get their way. If it doesn’t work next time, they cry and scream more, and then if they finally do get their way, well you see the pattern.

I think part of the reason toddlers don’t have tantrums when they are alone, as @rooeytoo suggests, is partly because no one is there to witness it, but also because if they are left alone, they are probaby in a place that is safe for them, and they can have whatever they want in that space, because no one is stopping them from having what they want.

I agree hunger, and being tired adds to the probability of a tantrum happening.

Lastly, sometimes kids are prone to hyperventilating, and they upset themselves into a scary state, and then they really are freaked out, and feel physically awful.

I totally agree with @JLeslie regarding why children do not have tantrums when they are alone. A child does not experience the conflicts that cause tantrums unless there is another factor (i.e., person) present to create a conflict in reality or in the child’s mind.

As an aside, my grandson, who has Asperger’s and sees everything as either black or white, right or wrong, etc., can be helped before a tantrum becomes full blown if you immediately get down to his level (physically, face to face) and convince him that “everything is all right, calm down and tell me what’s wrong”. Of course, you must then actually listen to how he perceives the problem and help him understand what and why the tantrum has occurred.

@peggylou What you wrote about your grandson. I think that is true for all of us. We want to be heard. When we think something is important, even as adults, and are dismissed by the other person in the room like our feelings and needs mean nothing, we aren’t happy.

@JLeslie

Ain’t that the truth!

I still have a hard time when I am feeling misunderstood and I’m about 49 years past toddler. lol

It’s almost always an attempt to manipulate parents. You can choose to CONSISTENTLY ignore the behavior and it will go away… eventually. Whether your family and friends can stand to wait that long is another question. : )

When my youngest son was a baby, he used to experience emotions completely, 100%, including being happy, sad, or angry. When he was angry, he would even forget to breathe. This is not your standard holding his breath but literally getting so angry it took over his entire brain.

My sister had it, also, so when it first happened to my son, I wasn’t as scared as my mom had been. I just splashed a glass of cold water in his face, and he got over it.My sister never did fully get over her temper. She once tripped over a chair and kicked the chair in anger, breaking her foot. My son, however, did learn by age three to control himself.

@YARNLADY

Remind me to never tick anyone in your family off! : D

I am one who used to have tantrums by myself. I found it more effective to have them with people around, but when that wasn’t possible, I did a very nice job all by myself, thank you!

I realize there’s obviously exceptions (the old nature vs. nurture theory debate), but the only toddlers I’ve personally witnessed who scream at the top of their lungs over things that do not involve physical pain… are toddlers that learned that from Mom, Dad, or TV, or by trying it once on Mom and Dad, and finding out they respond to it.

@Kraigmo

Exactly! : )

I stopped trying to control my son’s tantrums. I started just walking away. I sooo agree with what @JLeslie and @CaptainHarley and @rooeytoo said. (someone write that on the calender hahaha) They have to learn that, regardless how they feel it’s how they control those feelings that is important. I tell my son, now that he’s a bit older, it’s ok to be mad/sad/angry/frustrated…. etc…. but it’s how you act when you have those feelings that are important.

I think maybe the tricky part, after thinking about this, is if the child in general feels he is not being heard and his opinions don’t matter, and he learns to control his outbursts, but also never learns to communicate calmly and reasonably what he wants and why, but rather learns to stifle…that might be a recipe for low self esteem, passive aggressive behavior, or at minimum poor communication skills. I don’t say that as something I learned in psychology or a magazine, it is just my own little theory. That is why I like @peggylou‘s answer. But, I can understand wanting to nip th tantrum in the bud by not giving any credence to that specific behavior.