One of my employee's son's has died. They are Muslim. I am a female lesbian without a single skirt in the house and no opportunity to purchase one. What is appropriate?

Are you comfortable asking your friend what you should wear? My dear friend lost her son also and didn’t mind taking calls about the memorial or any details. She said the hardest thing was people thinking they couldn’t ask her “normal” questions, as if every single thing had to be grief-related.

Can you maybe call the funeral home and ask? Or, maybe a mosque? Did you try to google to see what is typically expected? I have a feeling trousers are ok. Probably most important is to be covered below the knee, and your shoulders. Just guessing though.

Oh, and if you are going to a service in a mosque, you might need a head scarf? Or maybe they provide something for you? Possibly bring a shawl just in case.

It sounds o.k. to me although I don’t know for sure. There are many students at my college who wear headcoverings and jeans – but of course, that is not a funeral. I think calling the funeral home is a good idea.

General etiquette seems to be: wear any loose-fitting clothing that doesn’t show your shape, cover your hair with a scarf and follow the example of your female Muslim friends. I was just reading a few etiquette sites and it appears that US Muslims are very accepting of Western dress as long as you are doing your best to be respectful.

I can do the headscarf, but are slacks ok?

Why is your sexual ordination relevant?

@Kayak8 I just noticed you said it was difficult to google right now, sorry I missed that originally.

I just sent a message to someone I know who is Muslim, hopefully I will hear back.

I honestly think its okay. I would just politely say “I’m sorry I wasn’t sure what to wear.”

My Googling found me this site, which has a section on dress code and other etiquette for non-Muslims attending a Muslim funeral. It suggests a long skirt for women.

There’s also this site, which lists funeral customs of different cultures, and says that your arms and legs must be covered.
Here‘s another site that simply says you must be covered.

I’d go with trousers; I really don’t think a skirt is absolutely necessary, especially for a non-Muslim. Take a scarf to cover your head, and make sure to wear clean socks/stockings, because you’ll have to take your shoes off.

What I have in my mind is when I went to the vatican, I purposely wore a skirt out of respect, and I almost did not get in, because it was not below the knee, it was to my knee, not short or mini, but they felt it inappropriate. Slacks would have been no problem.

My Muslim friend just responded. Loose fitting trousers and long non-tucked blouse in a solid color are fine for a non-Muslim attending a funeral. Scarf recommended but not mandatory.

Here you go from the Muslim person I know:

Yeah. Slacks are fine. The idea is modesty. If she will be attending the services at the mosque before heading to the burial site, she should wear a shawl around her hair, loosely over the hair is fine.

Just a quick rundown of what is going to take place at the mosque. It is very simple and quick. They will bring the casket in and everyone will line up in rows, similar to how you’ve seen Muslims pray on TV before, if you have. The leader of the prayer will say ‘Allahu Akbar’ 4 times (God is Great). In between each Allahu Akbar he and all attending will silently say the prayers that are required during this time. Thats it for the services at the mosque.

At the burial site it is simple as well. The casket is usually lowered while everyone is there. A member of the family will be the first to toss dirt on the casket. A quick prayer will occur here as well.

Thats pretty much it. Muslim funerals are rather uniform but sometimes families toss cultural practices in there as well, not often but sometimes. Depends on how religious the family is.

Asked my Muslim best friend, he said as long as you’re covered (no ankles, elbows, etc.) and have a head covering, it should be fine. He is reminding you that you won’t be allowed to go to the grave site as women are not allowed there. He also gives his condolences.

@Afos22 The sexual orientation is relevant vis a vis my lack of skirts and dresses (it was for context). It is also relevant as many lesbians are fairly ardent feminists and the notion of a divided house of worship and head covering pushes many of my buttons.

To all, thanks for the information. I did bring a head scarf out of respect for my employee. It was curious because the first thing I noticed was the carpet which was all wonky to the room. I was in the women only room and the men and, presumably the body, were in a different room. The carpet made sense when the women started to pray as it seems that the design was aimed at Mecca and helped people stay lined up. There were about 20 women from work attending and about 5 Muslim women along with my friend.

It was a very interesting thing to have done and I am glad that I went. My friend really seemed to appreciate all the support.

@Kayak8 Thanks for the follow up.

@Kayak8 you are a good person and a loyal friend, I think the segregation and head covering and having to conform with regard to dress would probably have turned me off!