How Do I Get Over What My Boyfriend Did While We Were Temporarily Not Together?

When you were not together he didn’t have a responsibility to be faithful to you. You’re going to have to deal with it.

You werent together at the time. I dont see why either of you are supposed to abstain from sex with others during this time. Just because you chose to, doesnt mean he should as well. If that were the case, you’d still be together at the time no?

Because young men are horny all the time and don’t need a ‘connection’ to have sex with someone. You need to put less importance on the act.

You started dating a 23 year old when you were 15? That’s a) illegal and b) stupid. Your relationship is and has clearly been an unstable one. To me you seem REALLY dependent on a guy who isn’t interested much.

@vocalthoughts The questions reads “I was 18 and he was 26,” so let’s not jump to any conclusions. And whatever we might think of a relationship between a 15 year old and a 23 year old, it’s not illegal. Sex between them would be illegal in most places, but not just dating.

@Kdenn817 How do you think of all of your boyfriend’s previous partners? He had sex with them while the two of you weren’t together, but you seem to deal with that just fine. Well, add another to the list: the woman with whom you are so concerned is just someone else he had sex with while the two of you weren’t together.

It sounds to me like you have an idea of reality in your head that does not match with the version of reality outside your head. In your head, you were never really apart from your boyfriend. It seems like you thought he would make the same assumption. I suppose that being pregnant made it hard for you to believe you were really separate when you separated.

In his mind, you were done. Maybe you thought that because you had separated and gotten back together many times before, that it would be the same this time.

It worries me that you guys have such a stormy relationship. I don’t see how this can change unless you two do a lot of work. Counseling is absolutely necessary, I think. You guys have a lot of different issues to deal with—your feelings about him sleeping with someone else; your stormy relationship; and the fact that you have a child you have to bring up together or separately.

Getting over it? Same as above. Counseling. You need to rebuild your trust of him, and that takes so much work. You need to understand why you are going back and forth in your relationship so much. You each need to understand what the other person wants. You probably have to learn how to communicate with words and honesty instead of with looks and mind-reading.

You’ve got a lot to go up against, and you probably don’t have health insurance or access to mental health services. Which means you’re up against it alone. Perhaps you belong to a church and you can talk to a pastor you trust? Or maybe you can get access to Medicaid? If so, you can get counseling through them. If not, you can talk to several counselors and tell them your situation. Some will treat you for free.

Of course, none of this matters if your bf won’t go. If he’s not seriously interested in solving your problems, then this instability will continue. You’ll need to start thinking about being a single mother. You’re in a lot of trouble—more than you may be aware of. It’s going to be tough. I wish you well.

@SaviorFaire I see.

What? That sounds selfish to me. When a couple breaks up, each person is free to behave as they wish.

People view sex differently. People view “breaks” from a relationship differently. The way I personally am is similar to you. If I was on a “break” with someone I still loved, I would have no desire to have sex with someone else, because sex to me is something I enjoy with someone that I am not only physically but also emotionally and mentally connected to. Obviously this isn’t the same for everyone. I guess you just have to accept that and have to realize that he didn’t do it to hurt you. He did it for himself. Even though it might feel personal between you and him, it wasn’t because you guys weren’t together. I don’t know. Sorry you’re in this situation.

You are giving this roll in the hay much to much importance. Do not attach yourself to something out of your control. Water under the bridge. Time to put on your big girl panties and get ready for the child coming your way.

I say give it time. Once the baby is born, your hormones should go back to normal and you may feel differently. Of course there is the possibilities that it is not hormone related emotions.
In which case, it is time for you to realize that not all people react the same during a break up. What you are feeling is insecurity because you feel he was able to move on. If he was able to move on than he wouldn’t be back with you. People try to move forward, unless they find they left something behind that was more important. Let it go. Or like I said, wait at least till the kid is born.
When I was pregnant, I saw everything differently than I normally did. If someone said the sky was blue, I swore they were just trying to stir up a fight.

Talk about it?

Try to think of it biologically and less possessively. Sex isn’t exclusive to specific couples or the human species would have withered away years ago. Your attitude is fundamentally immature.

You weren’t together. What happened when you weren’t together is old news that’s not meant for you. Throw it out.

Are you worried because he still works with the girl?

It doesn’t matter that you were technically not together when he slept with her obviously, so I’m not even going to tell you that you have no right to be upset. Telling you to “just get over it” isn’t going to change your feelings.
You mentioned that your relationship is on/off again over the years, but you haven’t been together that long really, and most of that time should have been your honeymoon phase, so I have to ask, are you trying to make this work because you’re pregnant?

The lack of concern about previous partners a spouse has had, kind of helps explain why stds rates are so high.

@cheebdragon Lack of concern regarding the existence or number of previous partners does not imply lack of concern about the health of one’s current partner. Furthermore, STD rates are correlated more closely with amount and quality of sexual education than any other factor. Ironically enough, it’s prudishness that is most likely to lead to STDs.

@SavoirFaire The simplest and most effective way to avoid STDs is to keep yourself to yourself. That’s called “abstinence.”

@Nullo It’s the most effective, but it’s not the easiest. Just ask the droves of teenagers who break their abstinence pledges every year and then get an STD because no one bothered to teach them about safe sex.

@SavoirFaire Yeah! Because EVERYONE knows that condoms are 100% effective against STDs, right? Well, assuming your partner doesn’t have herpes, syphilis, hpv, crabs, or a few other diseases you can learn about here. How effective do you suppose a broken condom would be?

ironic, indeed.

@SavoirFaire It certainly is not easy; that’s one reason why it’s important that we instill in our young people the importance of self-discipline and good morals early on. It does no-one any good to cave on this matter.

@cheebdragon I will take you seriously when you point to where I said condoms were 100% effective or that safe sex meant using a condom.

@Nullo I live in the real world, so I look for realistic solutions. I’ll go in for idealistic ones when we live in an ideal world. I disagree, however, that a world without sex is an ideal one. I also disagree that a world without teenagers having sex is an ideal one.

@SavoirFaire Instilling good virtues is a perfectly realistic solution. It just remains to implement it. I speak from personal experience.

As @cheebdragon said, condoms aren’t a panacea, even though that’s the general perception. They have their uses, to be sure, but they should be used in conjunction with mature, responsible attitudes about sex.
I am not advocating a world without sex. I am advocating a world without promiscuous or else extramarital sex.

@Nullo I didn’t say that instilling good virtues was unrealistic. What I find unrealistic—and, for what it’s worth, not at all virtuous—is abstinence. Nor have I—or any realistic sexual education programs—ever said that condoms are a panacea. So again, I fail to see how @cheebdragon came anywhere close to saying something that I am to take seriously. Critiques of ineffective programs are quite beside the point as they are not what I am promoting.

As for promiscuous and extramarital sex, I’m afraid we must again disagree. Different people have different interests when it comes to sex. Those who wish to have many partners are certainly open to greater risks, but it is up to each individual to decide whether or not the risks are worth it. And I disagree even more strongly regarding extramarital sex. It is quite irresponsible to never have sex before marriage, even if it occasionally works out. Furthermore, I see no reason why a loving couple that is in to something like swinging is to be forbidden from doing so.

@SavoirFaire if both parties are consensual to a swinger lifestyle it’s their choice to make. But how the fuck did this get so off topic?

My point was that while the girl may not have the right to feel betrayed, she certainly does have a right to know what he was up to while they were broken up, considering she is pregnant, I highly doubt they were being safe.

@cheebdragon If that was your point, why address it to me? I said nothing to contradict it.