Do you think men that actually pay child support deserve a pat on the back?

They should get as much of a pat on the back for paying child support as the mother who feeds their child every day does.

@Facade Fair enough. None then.

Nope. Meeting obligations does not warrant praise.

No one should get congratulations for doing something they’re expected to do.

I mostly agree with @Seelix – if you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, then thats your job. On the other hand fathers have no rights so I do hope that the man is getting what he is paying for… unless he has made it very clear he doesn’t want anything to do with the kids.

@mrlaconic ”I do hope that the man is getting what he is paying for”

What do you mean by that exactly?

No. They are simply fulfilling their responsibility for the child they brought into the world.

@JustJessica there are a lot of men (I am not one of these I have no kids and dont plan on having any) who DONT pay child support. So I guess my point is that if you share custody (equally) then the man he is getting what he is paying for. If you dont share custody equally or if the man doesn’t want anything to do with the kids the yes he deserves a thank you for paying because he could just as well skip the country.

On one hand, I would say no they don’t. Like everyone has said, they are simply taking care of the child like they should.

On the other, since I was raised by a single mom who didn’t receive child support, I am kinda on the fence. I don’t think that they should necessarily be given a pat on the back. More of an acknowledgement that they’re being responsible and at least trying. Just like when a single mother is acknowledge for her hard work. Not so much like a ‘good job for doing what you’re suppose to’. More of a ‘there are so many guys who just split, you’re doing the right thing.’ And vice versa.

I agree with most of the answers above. Sometimes families break apart, and each parent doing their part is what should be expected with or without praise. That’s like asking if women that actually spend the child support money on the child instead of themselves deserve a pat on the back.

Nah, not a pat on the back – just that they not be treated like total shit by the family court system, for a change.

No because that is a parents responsibility. I don’t pat all decent mothers on their back for being a good mom. I will pat a parent on the back for being an excellant parent. I wont give praise for doing what is expected though. That is just me though. I can understand you being bitter. I hate deadbeat dads. I have met some deadbeat moms too. Most women keep the kids and a father should take care of his kids no matter if they are married to the mother or not.

I’m in agreement. Not a pat on the back.

But, I notice when a man takes interest in their child. I do find it deplorable when the mother tries to prevent a relationship.

@Taciturnu Some mothers do try to prevent a relationship and they are just a much garbage as the deadbeat dads. If not worse. Usually they are bad people in more ways than one.

@Mikewlf337 I had a friend whose ex was a sorry excuse for a… well, for a human being. She tried to twist some chafing on his daughter’s thighs from a pool party to my friend being sexually abusive. She had both her children lie in court about his “abuse” until his son broke down crying (on the stand) and said his mom was going to punish him if he didn’t lie. He now has full custody of both kids. Thank God!

@Taciturnu Finaaaaallllll Justice (in Captain America voice)!

I find it incredibly sad that stories like @Taciturnu‘s are not uncommon, but stuff like that doesn’t receive the media attention and negativity that “deadbeat dads” do.

@Blackberry lol

@TheOnlyNeffie I totally agree. There really aren’t enough Dads who want to be a part of their children’s lives. Why would anyone want to limit the ones who do? And you’re right- that story wasn’t even covered locally.

I can understand how the courts make it tough and custodial parent has an advantage, especially in this day of financial turmoil.
I still don’t think a pat on the back, head or elsewhere is needed for doing something that one is responsible for. I dont do my job well at work because I expect a pat on the back. I do it because it is rewarding and furthers my worth. I paid support for my children because they needed it and deserved it. I am glad they came out the way they did after what others have turmoil in

I know that for a while they were putting the faces of men who were delinquent in their child support on pizza boxes. Not that I’m saying I think it is alright not to pay your child support, you helped make that child, you should do your part to take care of that child.
However, I have NEVER heard someone suggest having the faces of mothers who are guilty of parental alienation or falsely accusing an ex of abuse, plastered on a pizza box. Personally, I can’t see how stopping a child from seeing a loving parent or knowingly falsely accusing that parent of abuse isn’t child abuse in itself.

I have to stop talking about this, I have zero control over my temper when it comes to this subject.

I think so. What parent, single mom or not, doesn’t appreciate a pat on the back for doing their parenting job? And it does happen. Ever heard, “You’re such a great mom ________.”

(fill in the blank)
“you sure do spend a lot of time with your kids.”
“your daughter is so polite!”
“you haven’t missed a game yet!”

There are so many more and they don’t even need the beginning of the sentence. Every time your child or something you do related to your children is complimented, that is a pat on the back. It doesn’t take any time or effort to do it and it makes people feel good about themselves.

I can understand the point of @TheOnlyNeffie . I had my bitterness towards attempted alienation of my children towards me. It is difficult and harse and hurtful and to the original post, can make one extreemly bitter of the courts and process. I know the damage that was attempted and in some ways done. Justice in many states is still old school and one sided.
I would have had such delight in my ex’s face or my children’s step fathers face on that pizza box cover.
In the end however my joy and reward come from the bond that I do have with my sons and that their mothers true colors were flown and they know it.
@Supacase , yes those pats do come in those forms agreed. My point was that you don’t do something just because you expect a reward. You do it as good parenting period. No matter the situation and not because of making payments. They take time to gather, but when they come, they are worth it all. When my son graduated college and got hired as a teacher after one month of substituting. When he told me could never repay the lessons and values I showed in being there for him and through it all was payment that will be remembered my whole life.

Like Chris Rock said – “You’re supposed to take care of yo kids!” No pat on the back from me.

I would never alienate the children from him, he has free range, literally anytime he wants them he can have them.

@Blackberry I always hear men crying that same ole BS about how the mother isn’t spending the money on the child. The way I look at it is, I have sacrificed A LOT (not that I’m complaining) But you better believe I would go get my nails done with child support in a minute(of course only after all children necessities are met). Simply for the fact that those are extra things that I don’t get for myself because all my money supports my children, every penny I bring in that door is for them. I’m sure he has a great time skipping around with his whole paycheck, not having a worry in the world. He he he he not for long.

Nope, no pat on the back.

But women who worked and were not stay at home mothers to start with should not expect to be supported via alimony after the divorce. I think they should be out earning their own way in this world. If they were stay at home mothers, then it is a different situation, alimony should be paid but not to the point where the man has to live in poverty in order to support mom. It is a difficult one to resolve fairly and equitably.

@rooeytoo I don’t know how it is in your sate, I’m sure the laws differ from state to state. Here in Oklahoma even if the mother is unemployed they still calculate her as making minimum wage 40 hours per week so the amount is fair.

@JustJessica it isn’t your money to get your nails done with. Even if you literally spend every penny of your income on your children, that child support belongs to them. Even if that means that your children live a life of luxury while you have torn cuticles.

@JustJessica The support money is for the children to have the same standard of living that they had when you were together. Getting your nails done with support money deprives your children. The formula is whatever it is to help as a guideline. The support money is still for the children.

No. Any man or woman “worth the salt on their back,” should support their child…..even passed their obligations.

If the man never wanted the child, I don’t think that he should bear any financial responsibility for it. If he never knew about it, and found out (however he did so) I don’t think that he should bear any either. In either of these cases, I think that yeah, the father does deserve a pat on the back.

If the father promises or indicates an intent to help support the child, then not at all.

This question was asked a while back – I think it’s fairly relevant to this thread as well.

I don’t know if I would call it a pat on the back, but I see nothing wrong with acknowledging someones help and responsible behavior. Positive reinforcement, appreciation, all ok with me. At work when I do my job well, I like to hear every once and a while that I am doing a great job, even if it is just fully meeting expectations. I’m sure moms want to hear they are doing a good job, or that all of their efforts are appreciated, even if they are just doing what people expect moms to do. Men (sometimes it is women paying child support) who many times in their mind don’t get to see their children as much as they would like, sometimes resent paying the money to their exwives. I can see how it can be more complex than it seems on the surface. I have a girlfriend who has to pay her, wouldn’t get up off his ass and a get a fulltime job or help around the house or with his kid, husband, child support, and it pisses her off. They have equal custody.

@TheOnlyNeffie if she spends every penny she earns on her children right now and the children have what they need, then the child support money is not being spent on her nails. The thing is she is not supposed to have to spend every cent of her income on her children and basics. A portion of her income, and a portion of his income for the child, and hopefully if they earn enough, some money for luxuries, like anyone else. If she is wasting all sorts of money on frivolous things then I can see being critical, but married people all over the country have a wife that gets her nails done. I don’t, I think it is a waste of money, but I spend my money on other things others might not do.

It takes two people to make a child, and there should also be two people supporting that child, no question in my mind, so neither parent should expect a pat on the back.

@partyparty – Here’s the only problem I have with that argument – it takes two people to make a child, but only one of them gets to decide in the end whether the child is born or not.

If a mother wants to have an abortion, in the end it is her body and so she has the final say. I think this is an unfortunate imbalance – but one that’s completely about nature and therefore irremediable and not really subject to critique in my opinion. If a father wants the child and the mother doesn’t, the father has to deal with the emotional fallout from that. If the mother wants the child and the father doesn’t, she should expect to be able to support the child on her own.

I believe that any father that decides this, in order to be free from any child support obligations, should have to relinquish any parental claim on the child as well.

@iamthemob I agree to an extent.

In a perfect world, we’d all talk about how we’d handle a surprise pregnancy before we were ever intimately involved. Since that’s not the case, the issue usually does come up before the talk does.

Again, in my perfect world, a woman would carry a baby to term to give to the father and relinquish parental rights at birth, as could a man choose to relinquish those rights at birth.

BUT…
I think any parent should consider that before a child’s birth. To begin a bonding process and decide a year or two (or ten) down the road that they don’t want the responsibility is ridiculous. Taking responsibility for your actions is part of being a grown up, no?

@Taciturnu – I feel like we actually might be agreeing completely.

If either parent makes the other think that they’re going to be there to help raise the child, I think regardless of whether that ended up being a deciding factor (e.g., father says he will help raise child, but mother would have had child even if he would be absent) you’re on the hook financially. So if you’re saying that any parent who decides after being a part of the child’s life that they’re no longer game should SOL and on the hook for however long that child needs them, I completely agree, and in fact think that it should be even earlier that they get on the hook.

Are we on the same page?

@iamthemob I think we are. :)

@iamthemob Yes I do fully understand, and agree with you, about abortion, but of paramount importance, in my eyes, is the welfare of the child who should always have the support of both parents.

@partyparty – I agree – but that’s something I think that it is the responsibility of the parent who will be willing to take on the responsibility and care of the child to consider. If that parent knows the other one doesn’t want to take part, that parent should consider whether he or she is able to care for the child without the absent parent.

There’s nothing inherently negative about a single-parent household with sufficient care resources. There also shouldn’t be any reason to think that extended family support is outside the norm either (a multigenerational home would offer more support, for instance, than a two-parent one).

@iamthemob I totally agree with you about the parent who is taking responsibility for the child to consider how he or she is able to support the child. If the extended family is also able to help all the better.
Do you think an absent father should contribute financially?

I’m not really sure – absent is too broad. If the parent had no intent from the beginning to be present, and this was known from the beginning by both parents, then that’s a clear “no” for me.

In essence, a parent that declares, upon learning of a pregnancy, that he or she has no intent of raising the child, or being a part of the child’s life, is functionally not different than a sperm donor, egg donor, surrogate mother, or parent giving a child up for adoption. They have provided, and intended nothing other than to ever provide, the biological materials and necessities for the conception, pregnancy and birth.

In my opinion, I would think that if it were necessary to hold an ab initio absent parent financially responsible for the child then we really should be holding the above sperm donors etc. to potential financial liability.

@iamthemob Good point. I hadn’t thought about sperm donors, surrogate mothers etc :)

I think I got to that quickly because of the truly classic scene in “Legally Blonde” where Elle totally rocks out a crim law hypo about a sperm donor seeking visitation rights to a child born from his donation. ;-)

But it’s funny…the OP uses the term in the question in a derogatory fashion. I’m fairly certain that it’s a deserved derogatory attack – but in some cases, we’re not talking about someone who is no better than a sperm donor – the person literally is one, regardless of the fact that the donation was made through consensual sex as opposed to more scientific means.

@iamthemob great point on the perspective of how the donation went down. :)

@JLeslie My point exactly.

I would never deprive my children of what they need, so if I get a chance to do something for myself once in a while it’s okay, those are things I was never able to do before, I see nothing wrong with a pedi twice a year once I start getting the support owed by law.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and honesty, it’s greatly appreciated, I’m sure this is a sensitive subject with many people.

@JustJessica Have you ever filed a warrant for his arrest? Were you two married when you had the baby?

No I haven’t I figure if he’s in jail, he will lose his job and I’ll never get any support then. We were never married, we were VERY young, him 17 and I 15 when I got pregnant. I’m getting very close though to collecting. I can’t wait to be able to buy things they want instead of just needs, I’m excited for the kids.

@JustJessica How old are you now? Is he responsible in his life in other ways? You say he has a job, does he support himself?

@JustJessica question…..does he see his children and do the children have a relationship with him?

@JLeslie I’m now 32. He is VERY responsible in his daily life, the fact that he doesn’t pay baffles me everyday when I think about it, it’s actually his only flaw. He does have a job a damn good paying job too over 8k per month.

@blueiiznh yes and yes he both sees them and has a relationship with them.

@JustJessica Wow. WTF?! Makes no sense. Must be very frustrating for you. Hope you get at least some, if not all, of what is due to you. By any chance did he want you to abort when you got pregnant?

@JLeslie – should we get this guy? I think we should get this guy…

I hope the support money comes your way swiftly. The children certainly deserve this!

Heck no. If the guy is the father of the womans kids and they break up , you shouldn’t have to hunt him down for a payment. He should pay without complaining and shouldn’t be rewarded for something he should automatically do for his kids.

@JLeslie You have NO idea how frustrating it is!!! He’s about to have to pay big time, and he thinks it’s only going to be the little $100 a month from the old order from 1999, but after they do a wage assessment he will be paying much more.

I in no way want to sound like some money grubbing ex, There was a time when I was fine doing it myself but I have fallen onto hard times and now he needs to step up. As odd as it sounds I hope him and I can remain friends and settle this in a civil matter.

@JustJessica I only have one close friend who has to deal with her husband not paying child support. But, the guy is a fuckhead. A little drugs and alcohol, uses people, so it is a different situation. She filed to have him arrested once. She called him and warned him, because she just wanted him to pay something, anything, she dreaded him being sent to jail because of her. Dreaded it because she didn’t want to do it, dreaded it because she did not want her sons to have a dad that wound up in jail, but she did the paperwork out of desperation, and many people pushing her to do it. If he had come through with any amount of money, it didn’t have to be the whole amount, she would never had done it. Anyway, when she warned him about the warrant for his arrest, his reply was, “at least I’ll get three squares a day.”

@JLeslie I’ve known quite a few males like that.