Do you give positive reinforcement to your SO, friends, children, staff, etc. when they are simply doing what they are expected to do?

Well, there’s a balance. You can’t reward people for everything to do, because they will come to expect a reward for everything, and if they don’t get it, they’ll stop doing it. And you can’t never speak a positive word.

I’m a little confused, though, as to whether you are talking about appreciation (thank you) which acknowledges what they have done, or are talking about something more (oh, what a good job—you’re such a good child/person/whatever). Appreciation is always appropriate in my mind. Praise is not. Praise is reserved for special occasions when they’ve really done something exceptional for them.

For expected behavior: appreciation, yes. Praise, no.

I agree wholeheartedly with you. If I’m doing something I don’t want to do, why on earth should I do it? A kind word or pat on the back are often my only motivation. My workplace is an excellent example of this. At my store I work at a retail chain my managers treat us very well and will often cook up incentives so that we all get some kind of reward for promoting a certain sale or new product. As a result, our store is the most organized, the cleanest and we have a pretty low turnover rate in comparison to other stores.

If I am trying to get them to do something regularly, sure…I’ll do that. Otherwise, for grown ups – no. If it’s something your expected to do…well, I’ll expect you to do it. I’m not going to notice it generally unless you don’t do it. Then I’ll probably be like “What the fuck, man?” I expect you to go to the toilet when you need to take a deuce. I’m not going to pat you on the back for not doing it in your pants.

For kids, it all depends. I tend to call them awesome for doing things that really aren’t all that awesome.

@wundayatta Interesting distinction. Praise vs. appreciation; I had not thought of separating the two. I have to think about it more. I also had not thought of your point about people getting conditioned to need praise to do something. Since I don’t have children I thought of it more regarding my husband, and staff when I was a manager. I told them thank you all of the time, and acknowledged when they did a great job, or in the case of my husband tell him how proud I am of his accomplishments, and that I appreciate what he does. It’s not daily, but often enough. I think I will wait for more answers, and maybe get back to you on whether I agree with your ditstinction and if I handle them differently, or think it should be handled differently. Thanks for your answer. :)

I try to compliment my SO, especially to notice when he does something out of the ordinary or special.

@KatawaGrey That’s interesting that your reaction is similar to my initial feelings considering I worked in retail. Sales, management, as a buyer, and for vendors.

As a manager of creative people (writers, graphic designers), I believe in acknowledging a job well done, whether in the line of duty or over and beyond. Never hurts to make people feel good about their efforts.

Absolutely.

By definition, positive reinforcement is any action, conducted after a behavior, that strengthens or increases the future likelihood of that behavior. So if it’s a behavior that I want to see, it would be silly not to reinforce it!

Unreinforced behaviors go extinct. So, especially if the behavior has no intrinsic reinforcement value, the positive reinforcement is vital to keep the behavior going.

But- remember- reinforcement value is what works for the organism being reinforced, not the one doing the reinforcement! If what is done after the behavior doesn’t result in increased behavioral strength, it isn’t a reinforcer- no matter whether we think it should be or not.

@iamthemob My husband is more like what you describe. When I fail to do something he is sure to point it out, but when everything is running smoothly he just thinks that is how it is supposed to be, says nothing. With the exception that he regularly thanks me for preparing his lunch or dinner. Honestly, it isn’t enough for me if I am really honest. Every so often a recognition of a clean house, or money I earn would be nice. Help balance him picking on the few times I left a pile of mail for three days on the kitchen counter, or didn’t get the trash can from the edge of our driveway before he arrived home.

My ex-husband once said something that has stuck with me for a long time. He didn’t realize I was trying because I was just doing what he thought I should be doing anyway. It wasn’t until I stopped that he noticed and by then it was too late.

@JLeslie – Totally understandable – but I think this all depends on what you two have learned to expect from each other, rather than what should be expected in general. I don’t care if it’s what generally happens – if you’re cleaning up after that man, and he’s not thanking you, and it’s getting on your nerves, he might need to be read a little bit.

@iamthemob We have the same expectations, I don’t feel like slave labor in any way shape or form. I don’t clean up after him. Currently, I do all of the cleaning, laundry and cooking, because I am not working. When I work he takes over half the chores, he is completely reasonable.

@JLeslie – Alright, that sounds better.

I would say then just that if it’s bothering you…I would just tell him that you need a little more recognition. So often when we incorporate people into our homes, things that need to get done as part of the routine are done by one or the other, and when the other does it it’s much like when you do it yourself. So…it’s just difficult to notice.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a little more appreciation, I think. It’s just that if your husband really is like me – well, my boyfriend definitely needs to tell me “I need you to express X.” I don’t get why, but I know that it’s something he would like – so I try to do it. (note: he may, like me, also need to be reminded several times ;-)).

@iamthemob I have, and he does. This Q was to just gauge what others think.

@JLeslie – sorry. Derail. If that’s the case…then I think just like your husband. He sounds like a good man to me. ;-)

@iamthemob He is :)

I do agree in that it doing what is expected can be a thankless grind and an “atta-boy/girl” “nice going” can help keep even the most independent workers motivated to keep doing what is expected. Personally for me praise is the greatest form of compensation for doing anything.

@Cruiser But praise is so easy. It’s just about worthless unless you think it is truly sincere. It seems to me that if you add in money, you’re kind of proving you mean the praise. I’ve been praised a lot over the years. No one ever gave me money for it until this job.

@wundayatta I think you are partly right. We all need money. Not once in my awfully long time in business have I seen ANYONE work any harder when you pay them more money. IMO money is a payment for services rendered and it is praise that almost always seems to help to get a job done better, quicker and happier.

@wundayatta @Cruiser I think money talks the best at work. I think for a long time HR wanted to sell the idea that company awards, recognition, and pats on the back were as good as money, but that is bullshit. What I think is when you are getting paid fairly, adding the positive reinforcement makes things all the better, makes you feel appreciated, secure, creates loyalty, but it is not a substitute for money.

But, when it comes to famly and friends, cash is not part of the equation.

@Cruiser That’s what the research says, too. You pay to reward what someone has done. Not to get them to work harder. If you want them to work harder, the only way you can get that is with….. well, “love” for lack of a better word.

Money shows appreciation. Just as thanks shows appreciation in the family. Praise (when deserved) keeps folks excited about what they are doing. Money shows that the boss noticed what you did. Thanks show the family members you noticed what they did and appreciate it.

Praise tells people they are on the right track. It should not be, in my opinion, handed out lightly. It is very serious, and because of that, it is a good motivator. People know you truly like what they have done and that should keep them very excited about doing some more of it, whatever it is.

Ok, I’m inventing this on the spot, so I don’t know if there are obvious things I’m overlooking, but I trust you all to let me know.

@wundayatta I love that you wrote praise tells people they are on the right track. That is a great line, I so agree. I like to know I am on the right track.

@JLeslie I think you’re doing very well! Love your contributions here!

@wundayatta Thank you :) <giggle out loud.>